THE BLOG
10/15/2013 11:25 am ET | Updated Jan 23, 2014

What Your Halloween Costume Says About You

We play dress up to hide behind another persona, but chances are that choice of persona reveals volumes about who we are pretending to be. Here is a random sampling of new classics and perennial favorites, all of which contain nuggets of enhanced self-awareness to take with you as you trick or treat.

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Miley Cyrus

You have very few boundaries or limits, and would probably go around naked with the same mullet your father once had if it would get you more hits on YouTube.


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Walter White

You are either a mild-mannered person who is just waiting for the right catalyst (a cancer diagnosis, for example) to spur you onto a thrillingly violent criminal lifestyle, or a mild-mannered person who has nothing left to post on Twitter, let alone a reason to live, since Breaking Bad finally called it quits.


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Edward Cullen from Twilight

You have a nihilistic outlook on life, seeing our time on this planet as ultimately empty and pointless. This is stunningly ironic since you seem to wish you were someone who could live forever.


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Charlie Chaplin

You see yourself alternately as a tramp who is not worthy of love and a genius who was misunderstood just because of a couple of child brides. Perhaps much to your chagrin, neither is true.


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Barack Obama

You are so unfathomably tired of a bunch of lunatics trying to screw up everything you have been working on that you are this freaking close to going as Dexter instead.


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Lady Gaga

Your outrageous acting out is a shield to protect you from privately-held feelings of inadequacy, along with the nagging suspicion that you are the product of the one night when Madonna had sex with David Bowie.


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Princess Leia

You are a successful individual who has achieved much in life. Your immense inner confidence has been steadily bolstered from years of knowing how easily you can seduce geeks.


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Harry Potter

You are a devil worshiper. Get help.


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Spiderman

You walk around with the classic martyr complex, exacerbated by the way you have internalized your anxiety over indirectly causing the death of your uncle. Worse than this, however, is your inner conflict about having allowed someone to turn your life into a Broadway musical.


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Jesus

Overcompensating for your own bitterness about the state of the world, you want everyone to know how irreverent you can be about organized religion. Your cynicism becomes severely tested, however, when everybody at the party keeps asking you to heal them with the touch of your hands, or turn a loaf of bread into a fish hatchery.


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Zombie

You secretly want the future predicted by so many recent movies to come true, in which everyone is brain dead, ruled by their monstrous desires and willing to step over everybody just to stay alive. Oh, wait, no problem, your wish has already come true. Sweet.


More of James Napoli's comedy content for the Web can be found here.