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Judith Regan: My Inferno, And Welcome To It

12/16/2006 06:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

So what will Judith Regan do for her next act, now that she's been fired from her publishing gig by Rupert Murdoch?

She's never been one go gently into anything. Moreover, she is totally on her own now, free to listen to her own inner muses--or inner whatevers. In fact, she's free to sell her own.... But I am getting ahead of myself. Since Murdoch neglected to drive a stake through her heart, I have no doubt she'll bounce back, with new financing and new authors.

So I imagine this scene, ripped--and I do mean ripped--from future headlines:

"I am here today because I, Judith Regan, editor of Re-Regan Books, am proud to debut my new list of authors and book titles. I have gathered some real 'gets,' I am sure you will agree. And I have one special guest from Down Under--and I don't mean Australia! More about him later, but first, let's meet some of the other authors.

"First, of course, I was lucky enough to lure O. J. Simpson to Re-Regan Books. Our new collaboration is called If I Did It, I Did It--And What Are You Going To Do About It? And I might add a personal note of my own to my ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends: 'Watch yourself! The Juice is loose. So you, too, could finally get what you deserve.'

"Our next author is Vladimir Putin, who has worked hard to get us What a Friend We Have in Polonium 210! on such a fast turnaround. Like O.J., Vlad denies everything, of course, but he wants Boris Berezovsky and all others to know that radioactive killers work fine, every time.

"Also in foreign affairs, we are proud that Osama Bin Laden has joined our lineup; he is coming to us from a cave somewhere, with his insightful and inciteful book targeted at the youth market: As Jihad-y as I Want to Be. And another title, Darfur: The Upside of Genocide, by a bunch of Sudanese whose names I can't pronounce, but whose oil-engorged check I was happy to cash. This particular Book Honey says you can never have enough blood money!

"Still looking overseas, I must mention a couple more titles. Let's start with A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Evil, by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. And we're excited about another title, The Kim Jong Il I Know, by Kim Jong Il. Who better to tell the story than the Dear Leader himself?

"Oh yes, we have Looking at the United States of America Fairly and Objectively, by Noam Chomsky.

"And we like to think that another title of ours, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Holocaust Deniers, by David Duke, straddles the line between current events and history. And speaking of history, we are today unveiling a newly discovered manuscript, The Purpose-Driven Evil Life, by the late Adolf Hitler. Yes, I know some will be skeptical about this acquisition, but please, everyone should be reassured that the provenance of this work has been authenticated by the Irvings--both Clifford and David!

"I want to get to our Special Guest, so I will run quickly through the rest of our titles: Grim Reaping, by Don Rumsfeld; Better Living Through Democracy, by Paul Wolfowitz; Planning for Success, by Doug Feith; and Profiles in Hypocrisy, by Rev. Ted Haggard.

"On the domesticity side of things, we've got some great titles: Eating Right, by Hannibal Lecter and Planning the Perfect Home Invasion, by Charles Manson, Squeaky Fromme, and the BTK Killer, with an afterward by John Wayne Gacy. Oh, and business books--we've got 'em! Starting with His Dark Materials, by Jeffrey Skilling.

"But now I want to introduce our Special Guest. I feel like I have known him all my life--worked closely with him, in fact--but now he's mine completely, just as I am his, totally.

"When he and I sealed our deal, for all time, and I took on the job as his mistress--I mean editor--we considered various titles for our first collaboration, including Deliver Us from Good and Paradise Lost--And Good Riddance! We also considered Blat Out of Hell, but we kept looking, under ever rock and slab, searching out just the right grub of a title. Finally, we found it, and We Both Just Knew.

"So let me welcome: He Who put the Fly in Lord of the Flies, Who put the Fist in Mephistopheles, Who put the Scarlett Letters into Baal, Who put the Devil into Prada, Who put the "Anti" in front of Christ.

"Yes, ladies and gentleman, please welcome our great new author, the one and only, Who will provide us with our anchor title for the new year. You all know Him, of course. Now give it up for the author of His first book--the first in a long series, I assure you--for Re-Regan Books. I am sure that you will agree our title works infernally perfectly: The Road to Hell Is Paved with Print Inventions."