Donald Trump Lists 'F***ing Your Mom' as Only New Year's Resolution

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Claiming to be in a "festive and happy" mood, Donald J. Trump -- the billionaire real estate mogul and former reality-TV star that is currently the Republican presidential front-runner -- gave reporters outside the building where he lives in New York City his list of New Year's Resolutions for 2016.

"Like all winners," Trump said, "I know that keeping things short, sweet, and concise is the only way to win. Also, as a winner, I know that sophomoric insults and using words like 'schlonged' in campaign rhetoric is the best way to whip up support and seem very presidentish." Mr. Trump then took a piece of paper out of his pocket and held it up, pronouncing, "And with that in mind, I have here a very simple list of resolutions for myself in the New Year. Very short, this list."

Unfolding the list, Trump turned it around and showed the reporters gathered there that it contained just one resolution. It was written in bright red crayon in very large letters. Trump said that "crayons are for winners because you can use any number of colors," and "when you're making resolutions, you gotta only make the ones you can accomplish, even if it means you gotta have a smaller list of resolutions."

"Next year, I plan to accomplish one, single goal," Mr. Trump said with satisfaction in his voice. A reporter asked if Trump's single resolution was to win the presidential election in November, and Trump simply shrugged his shoulders. "What? No. My resolution is to fuck your mother. See, look?"

He passed the paper around and every reporter could verify that on top of the list, entitled "Donny's Yoogest Year," was a big numeral "1" and next to it was written very simply, "Fucking your mom."

Reporters asked Trump if there was one person's mom in particular that the resolution applied to, and he laughed. "It applies to every mother in the country," he said, "because I figured if I'm going to be called a motherfucker by everyone under their breath, I might as well fuck somebodies' mothers and earn that title, like a winner." Trump was asked by a reporter if he felt that this list of resolutions would be so offensive that people would stop supporting him, to which he laughed yet again.

"I suggested we keep all Muslims out of the country, and my numbers didn't go down, they went up," Trump said, "and when I said that Hillary got schlonged, do you know how many right-wing Hillary haters jumped on my bandwagon? I can do no wrong as far as the base is concerned because a) I'm running against the Democrats; and b) they love hearing xenophobic, Islamaphobic, homophobic and misogynistic rhetoric because that's what they've been conditioned for 25 years to accept as legitimate conservative ideology. In fact, I bet you my numbers will go up after everyone learns that I want to fuck their mothers next year."

A flash poll conducted by CNN showed that Trump's numbers went up 22 percent among likely Republican voters, with 67 percent of those polled saying they "Strongly Agree" with Trump's "plan to fornicate with all the mothers in the United States in 2016."