10/15/2013 04:50 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

An Open Letter to Nikki Finke

Dear Nicole,

Firstly, we would like to congratulate our very own Joshy Greenbaumberg on his "first look deal" (whatever that is) with the TBS television studio! We want the "industry" to know that he had a brilliant mind from just eight days old, when during his bris he looked so intensely at his mother's breasts, that the Rabbi himself had to exclaim "Ah, yes. He is very focused on what he wants in this life!"

Secondly, a giant MAZEL TOV to formerly unattractive Sarah Adelmanstein, who sold a pitch to a BIG movie studio -- one of the big ones -- SONY? (Gotta look it up.) We remember fondly how when she was stood up on junior prom night, she marched straight up to her room and rehearsed her Oscar acceptance speech for an hour longer than her typically allotted two-hour daily mirror rehearsal time.

We are so grateful for the opportunity to let you (and all the fancy Hollywood business people) know just how much these creative, hard working individuals are loved.

We the parents, grandparents, synagogue clergy, wedding planners and former orthodontists of all of the successful young Hollywood types you discuss on your blog, would like to THANK YOU, Nikki, for providing such a perfect forum for us to applaud them publicly.


Your blog seems to allow just about anyone to get "snarky" or "malicious" or "very transparently jealous and needlessly hyper critical" whenever someone has good news, so we want to make sure that YOU know WE ARE HERE to counteract the negativity.

We want you to know that WE shaped these minds, these people, this "subject matter" that fills your daily world wide web log. And as long as we are able to hire that nice Haitian kid down the street to come and "reboot" our computer when it "crashes" or "won't stop doing that rainbow spinning thing" or "somehow resets itself so that the font is TOO GODDAMNED SMALL AGAIN," we will leave our comments.

And we do not care if they are "mortified." We know best. We know them. And we know them best.

Nikki, could you please remind your stars and starlets, future award winners and future has-beens that we take such enormous pleasure in telling the world that OUR very own offspring MIGHT know someone who MIGHT be able to get us in for a taping of The Big Bang Theory? That we 100 percent relish in bragging to the bitches from the (slightly) nicer towns that no, OUR kids may not have gotten into Harvard or Northwestern, but who cares??

Our kids have shown up on a little website called "Deadline" and WE get to post our love out to the whole goddamn world. PLUS we get to maybe meet Sandy Bullock someday! Can your oncologist son or district attorney daughter do that? No? Aww. Too bad so sad.

In closing, Nikki -- daughter of Wellesley, activist, journalist, blogger, respected documentarian of (our own very special) Hollywood people -- hold your head up high. Don't let the critics ever break you. We love you unconditionally. You work hard, you put yourself out there, you report to the absolute best of your ability. We have loved you since you wrote your first word in crayon on the side of the bath tub: "Toldja!"

Most importantly, WE ARE PROUD OF YOU. Because when we comment on your blog, we get to be proud of ourselves.

XXXOOO and get that flu shot,

All the current parents and extended family and friends of all the working writers/producers in Hollywood. (Not as much the actors. Little goyishe.)

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