I Have Figured Out the Tea Party

09/22/2010 12:32 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I have figured it all out. Formerly even-tempered Americans who have lost hope that reason may return to this country, I have figured it out. We don't have to worry for much longer. The teabaggers are the political equivalent of Justin Bieber. I'll explain.

Both of them rose to popularity as a result of "grassroots" efforts via the internet. Bieber was discovered on YouTube and then developed a huge following on Twitter. (Sarah Palin happens to speak the same language as Bieber's tweenage followers.) Teabaggers, however, have taken it a step further and through viral campaigns, likely in the form of emails sent by family members that go unchecked by Snopes, have successful spread their message like herpes. Angry, raging, flaming herpes. And man, is this a baaaaaaad case of herpes. They've got postules and sores all the hell over the place. I can only imagine that if Justin Bieber got the herp like this, the internet would actually break. But since the teabaggers are a political movement, the final result will be the government breaking. Which is what they want. So as logic goes, teabaggers love herpes.

Actually, I think I've got this all wrong. Justin Bieber is just a nice kid who likes singing for other nice kids. Totally harmless. (Mostly.)

You know what the teabaggers really are? Tamagotchis.

Tamagotchis, those electronic "pets" that you kept in your pockets and played with during social studies. (Or work. Or Barney. You may choose whatever is appropriate for your demographic.) If you stopped feeding them/started doing worthwhile things, they died. And America just can't look away from teabaggers. The teabaggers are angry, and they have whole entire days just filled with hours to be angry! Like the time spent on caring for and nurturing Tamagotchis, teabaggers spend their time writing angry, uninformed things, in blog comments, on colorful signs and t-shirts, in campaign talking points, anything to keep themselves alive. Because the Tamagotchi must be fed! A fat Tamagotchi is a happy Tamagotchi! Tamagotchi parents/teabaggers can't be bothered with the opinions of others, or stupid things like facts and reason. Rational arguments? Please! That's for boring people who have better things to do with their brains and time and no Tamagotchis to care for/insane campaign ads to make. Tamagotchis/tea party gatherings are the coolest! It's what everyone else is doing! And they're all about values! Good American family values and responsibility! Right?

It's pop culture peer pressure, politics-style. All the cool kids are doing it, so they have no choice. You don't talk about the History Channel at the water cooler and you don't want to hear about stupid, boring healthcare going into effect. It's about reality TV, US Weekly, and people getting hit in the balls. It's "just folks." (Just not the ones with attention spans.) It's the shit everyone's doing, that's easy to find and the cheapest to make...

I'm sorry, I've been totally wrong this whole time. Teabaggers are actually just meth. My mistake.