THE BLOG
11/22/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

So, You're Anti-American. Is There a Cure?

I thought that, according to the McCain-Palin campaign, there were lots and lots of valid reasons not to vote for the Obama-Biden ticket. But lately, I'm not sure the GOP even wants my vote. Why? Because they think I'm "anti-American."

I had no idea. Holy crap -- is there a cure??

But so are you! Yes, you -- the one with the Starbucks latte. And you -- with that God-forsaken New York Times. Even you -- the one daring to read US Weekly with all those elitist celebrities, wearing those blasphemous Obama shirts.

I was going to vote for Barack Obama because I believe in freedom of choice over my body, the availability of government assistance should I find myself in a desperate situation, and that those who make lots of money should be paying more taxes than those who make less. I also happen to disagree with my federal government lying my country into a war with a country that never attacked us and abandoning the mission to find the people who did. Maybe some people think I'm crazy for that, but it seems more likely that such thoughts are actually "anti-American"! And, according to Pat Buchanan and Rush Limbaugh, I might even be a reverse racist for supporting Obama! If that's the case, by proxy, I must also support terrorism, want to kill babies and am a traitor.

Is this because I'm not from a "pro-American" part of the country? My heart lies in New York City. I've worked there, I do sketch comedy there, and it's where I will ultimately be a resident. But for now, home is on Long Island, the home of the original "small town America" -- Levittown. A community created for returning veterans after World War II. But it's in New York, even considered by some as a suburb of New York City, so it must be "anti-American."

And forget New York City. Can't get much more "anti-American" than NYC, can you? It's the center of everything the GOP surrogates are railing against: community organizers, diversity, freedom of expression, information, the best and the brightest... that is, "community organizers," radicals and socialists and communists, the liberal media, and the elite. It's a little confusing, since they like to use NYC as their political pawn every time they mention 9/11. Though according to their present rhetoric, all 343 of those firefighters who ran into the Twin Towers must have been traitors to try to save all those "anti-Americans" who lived in "anti-America." Oops. Maybe they forgot about that.

I can't do anything about where I live to cure myself of being "anti-American." But what about my family and friends? Some of them are "anti-American," some of them actually are "pro-American." The bulk of them, however, are feminists, radicals, heathens, elitist, even sodomites, the gay mafia, if you will. Would the "pro-American" thing to do be to denounce them all? But the "pro-American" friends are still friends with me, an "anti-American." I guess that makes them "anti-American" too. And I guess we're all screwed.

So, what can I, Jamie Frevele, do to cure myself of being "anti-American"? I should definitely start by changing my name. My first name is sexually ambiguous, like some he-she abomination. And my last name is German and French, and therefore, definitely "anti-American." It also doesn't meet the "Pro-American" Pronounceability Quotient. From this point on, I will go by Ann Jones. That will totally work, because my middle name is Joan! Perfect!

I can also stop writing articles like this. Only some crazy feminist would think to express herself and cite the freedoms of the First Amendment. That's the "anti-American" amendment. The only "pro-American" amendment is clearly the Second Amendment, so I'll stop writing and buy myself a gun. Because I can, and apparently... should?

I'll also stop writing sketch comedy and screenplays, plus I'll stop acting. It's all smut anyway, and it's wrong -- wrong -- to make jokes about people who are different than we are, let alone those who represent "pro-American" views. Besides, unless a six-year old can see it without Mom and Dad having to talk about something uncomfortable, it's probably Hollywood/NYC elitist obscenity that's poisoning the fabric of "pro-America."

Now that I've gotten rid of writing, I can also get rid of thinking and the news. But I didn't need that anyway. I have my gut and GOP surrogates to tell me what to think. As a "pro-American," I can stand up for myself against the "anti-American" liberal elite by submitting to someone else! Edward R. Murrow once said that "We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty." But what did he know? He was just a commie member of the liberal elite!

So, now I have a thoroughly unethnic name, no opinions of my own, no creative ambitions and a gun -- net gain! I can now find a good, "pro-American" job as a plumber, teacher, struggling small business owner or Wal-Mart employee. But that's it. According to what I've heard on the campaign trail, those are the only "pro-American" choices. But no unions. That sucks, so I'm just going to get married and have babies. Because, for God-fearin' "pro-Americans," that's the only kind of "pro-American" sex that exists -- babymaking in wedlock. Probably missionary. And no birth control. Under this plan, I may end up with 24 children, so I hope the schools are back in shape by then. And if I run out of names, I'll ask Sarah Palin for suggestions.

The only logical step that follows would be taking a belt sander to my face and wrapping what's left of it in a "pro-American" flag, diminishing any sense of identity that I had left.

The rest of Murrow's quote goes "When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it." I mentioned my "pro-American" -- or rather, conservative friends and family members. We get along just fine. I asked one of my conservative friends what would happen if I scrapped all my beliefs became a conservative, and she said, "What other liberal could I safely hug?" (And I am big on hugs, so that meant a lot.) I don't think they're zealots, they don't think I'm a terrorist. In fact, aside from a few "winners" who don't deserve a mention here, I really find nothing horribly offensive about conservatives. Some of their beliefs? Sure. But we agree to disagree. My friend added, "If you were to become a conservative, I would lose the only liberal friend who can peaceably talk both sides. I'd have to resort to talking to the guy who can tie in debating politics with anything from my pregnancy to selling something online. It would be intolerable, all your fault, and I would never forgive you." So, let's all agree to disagree. It's OK.

We can go to church on Sunday or stay home to watch "Meet the Press." We can work as plumbers and teachers or as artists and lawyers. We can live in New York City or Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. We can get married and start families or stay single and take a pass on kids. We can vote Republican, Democrat or abstain. We can also work at Wal-Mart or Target. And we are still all American.

I wrote a piece after the second debate about how I may disagree with John McCain, but I still consider him a human being. I don't believe he buys what his campaign is selling -- I believe he wants to win this election, at any cost. But he's playing dirty now, and letting his surrogates, Sarah Palin included, try to tell Americans that some of us are not American enough, that Barack Obama isn't American enough, and somehow, since we have different views on the issues, that we're actually "anti-American," is a frightening turn of events. And now throwing the "socialist" and even "communist" things into the mix?

You guys really want to go there again?

This guy?

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You may seriously want to rethink this, Sen. McCain, and also remind yourself that you're trying to distance yourself from the most divisive president in recent history. Your strategy is to call those who don't agree with you "anti-American"? You have yet to say it yourself, but your surrogates are telling us that this is what you stand for -- dividing us further, turning us against each other. Do you really approve of this message? Making us think that some jobs, lifestyles or people in general are better or worse than others when we're all American? That, Sen. McCain, is anti-American. But I don't like to just throw that around like your campaign does, so I'm just going to say that you're being a dick.

And by the way -- something I can't change about myself is my heritage. Not the French, not the German, though they are just as permanent. But the Cherokee. That's right -- I have Native American blood in me. So, don't try calling this liberal "anti-American." My people were here waaaaaaay before yours were. (And I think you owe me some land.)

In the spirit of things, this picture, entitled "Flower Power," was taken by the late Bernie Boston on this date (October 22) in 1967:

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