09/17/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tom DeLay: Making the Saints Cry One Rumba at a Time

Tom DeLay is going to be on "Dancing With the Stars." Oh. My. Effing. God.

When I saw that, I reacted. Viscerally. I couldn't pinpoint why, nor could I fully identify what I was feeling about this, but the idea of that man in a spangly costume, shaking his hips...dear heaven. And it isn't even a political thing. I actually liked the idea of Tucker Carlson attempting to dance. He's cute. Infuriating, but cute. His turn on the show a few years ago was manageable. But Tom DeLay? Maybe I'm wrong about this, but aren't the styles of dance featured on this show generally stemmed from primitive mating rituals? Is Tom DeLay actually going to move his body parts around as if he were performing some version of a seductive act? Oh my fuck, are we going to see Tom DeLay's o-face? Every single tiny villi in my intestines just started crying. Tears of acid.

How are we, as a country, supposed to handle this? This has to be the most awkward, uncomfortable thing I have ever witnessed in my life. This is worse than picturing your parents having sex, because really, your very existence confirms that they have, so that somewhat alleviates the shock and disgust. But I guarantee, you've never once pictured Tom DeLay shimmying about, rose stem in teeth, to Michael Buble. And now you have. And it can't be unpictured. I'm sorry.

All I can think is that he must be in some dire straits. Like Ashley "Remind Me Who Am I Again, Shannen?" Hamilton like straits. On the bright side, maybe Tom DeLay is so in love with his wife that he can't bring himself to fill the GOP adultery quota. So he's doing this to humiliate the party instead.

Sweet Mary, that means he and his wife are totally doing it. I have to go. I've done enough damage.

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