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What We Are Experiencing, America, Is a GOP Hangover

10/12/2010 10:38 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

It's a bad time right now. The economy is bad, and it's not visibly improving. And even though less jobs have been lost during the Obama administration than the Bush administration, some angry Americans are thinking about voting for Republicans again. Really. Even though they caused the Great Recession in the first place. And, apparently, the gays.

What's really happening is this: We sat down and had a beer with George W. Bush for eight years and now, two years after he left, we have the hangover of a lifetime.

So we counteracted the alcohol with caffeine (aka "change"), the opposite substance to alcohol. Because, as we all learned in D.A.R.E., alcohol is a depressant and caffeine is a stimulant. So simple logic tells us that if you drink caffeine after drinking alcohol, they'll just cancel each other out.
But that doesn't work in real life, so we're still drunk. But people still want change and they have to shake this hangover, so now they're reaching for something stronger. Red Bull, 5-Hour Energy, crack/cocaine, anything that will make them feel less nauseous and sluggish than they do now. (What's your 2:30 feeling like?) The only problem is that when you take those things, you will inevitably crash.

The only thing that can cure a hangover is time. When you're hung over, and you have that piercing headache/gurgling nausea, the closest person to you is going to be the asshole. That asshole who turned on the lights, that asshole whose phone rang way too loud and way too early. But he's not the guy who poured you the drinks. He's the one getting you Tylenol and a glass of water while the real asshole who banged your girlfriend when you were too drunk to notice sneaks out the door.

You have to ride it out. And if you reach for the hair of the dog that bit you, guess what? You're going to get trashed again.