THE BLOG
02/24/2014 03:54 pm ET | Updated Apr 26, 2014

Newton's Third Law of Grieving

Newton's Third Law states, "for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction." Once upon a time, I felt whole and complete, and I suppose in control. That was then. Now, I feel fractured, scattered, shattered. Any hope of control is an illusion.

The feeling of being OK is now replaced with emptiness and longing. Where I was once able to stand on my own two feet, I succumbed to a cold and crawled into bed. My ability to feel competent has been swapped out with an inability to focus.

I am caught in suspended animation. That moment of zero gravity. Free floating, no direction, no choice. Everywhere I look I see evidence of my past life with Rob, of who I was and where I was going. I can not see beyond it.

I recognize I have been running and running and running. Apparently, I finally caught up with myself. Catching a cold was my unconscious forcing me to stop. This cold is the one I could not have had with Rob during his chemo. There was no way I could get sick. So I didn't. But now that it is just me here, the cold stopped me dead in my tracks. Words are so interesting, aren't they?

My answer to How are you? is Fine, except when I'm crying. And I seem to be doing a lot of that again. Imagery fills my head, of peeling layers of the onion, of spirals, of dropping a pebble in a pond and the concentric rings that emanate, of my faithful roller coaster or ferris wheel or carousel.

Each time I am here I think it is the first and only time. Or if I do acknowledge I might have been here before, then this time it is deeper or darker. And then I go back and reread my posts. And surprise! I have been here before.