A Hack Comedian's Guide to Super Tuesday

With George Bush out of office, the stand up comedy world is going to lose some hilariously awful "George Bush talks funny" and "George Bush choked on a pretzel" jokes. If you forgot those jokes still existed, just know that the Chuckle Hut in Boise didn't.

With bad '80s comics tripping over their props in a complete panic, here is a helpful guide for the years to come. Remember dude-from-A & E's-comedy-hour, vote on Super Tuesday for the direction your oddly long career is heading!

Hillary Clinton -- Remember that great closer you had about Clinton splooge on the dress of a chubby intern?! Well guess what?! You can bring that shit back! That's right! Just replace the words "our president" with "first lady Clinton"...and let the magic begin! In fact, now that O.J. is in back in the news, all you need is Michael Jackson to fuck another kid and you can have your hack '90s trifecta back!

Barack Obama -- (Done in the most patronizing black guy voice you can muster) You ever see a white guy run for president? White guys be all like, "I'm going to start an unjust war with a nation that was never a threat to us to further the military industrial complex." Let that be a BROTHER in the office! He be all like, "Where the party at bitchs?!!!" (Then proceed to dance.)

Mitt Romney -- Is Mitt going to have a first Lady? Or first LADIES?!!!! Boy are men and women different! Am I right fellas?! Mitt Romney knows this for a fact because his religion suppresses women SO MUCH that some will be forced into marriages at the age of 14! (Not very funny but rape jokes are very edgy and hip now a days.)

John McCain -- Just because you were a prisoner of war doesn't make you a good president. In fact it doesn't even make you a good solider...cause you got caught. McCain wants to keep bases in Iraq and boots on the ground for one hundred years because he is crazy! Because all that time in a cage he was plotting revenge against brown people. Just because he was on the goddamn Daily Show doesn't mean he isn't fucking crazy!...I mean... What's the deal with Starbucks?! They are everywhere!!

There ya go hacky comics! Happy Super Tuesday and please think about quitting comedy. You make everybody sad.