FOXBORO, MASS. -- Acting boldly to fill the void left by the injury to perennial All-Pro Tom Brady, the New England Patriots announced that they had signed Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as the team's starting quarterback. "We're extremely excited," said team owner Robert Kraft. "In Sarah Palin, we have a proven leader with the grit, integrity, and fierce devotion to the common good that is exactly what we need in New England today.''
Emphasizing her experience as a high school basketball player, moose hunter and hockey mom, Kraft shrugged off suggestions that Gov. Palin's slender football resume would be a factor in the coming season. "We're accustomed to winning up here," said Kraft, "And her responsibilities as the head of Alaska's National Guard have certainly provided her with the background as a field general that any contender requires. Of course we'll make some adjustments. Given her lifetime membership in the NRA, we'd be foolish not to make more use of the shotgun. But let's not overlook the football experience she does have. She's from a state that's in between Russia and Canada.''
Asked if her relatively advanced age, relatively diminutive height, and total absence from the team's preseason training camp would affect her performance on the field, Gov. Palin dismissed the concerns. "Here's a little news flash for all the sports reporters and commentators and fantasy football experts: I'm not going to New England to seek their good opinion -- I'm going to New England to bring home the Lombardi Trophy." In response to questions about how she expects to fare in Sunday's contest against the New York Jets, Gov. Palin said "I know Bret Favre is a fine quarterback and he's won the Super Bowl and been the MVP a few times and has thrown for all those touchdowns, but let's face it -- Bret Favre is not the kind of leader who will upset the status quo."
Contrary to expectations, the Patriots will not require that the mother of five abandon her historic quest for the vice presidency. "I don't see potential for conflict," said Kraft. "She's a game-changer. When the people look at her, they see themselves. Besides, as Sen. McCain knows she's a maverick."
How will Trump’s administration impact you? Learn more