THE BLOG
01/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus von Staffenberg

The holiday movie season is upon us. No, I don't mean Four Christmases and Nothing Like the Holidays and the endless broadcasts of It's A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street. I'm talking about Valkyrie, the movie about the attempted assassination of Hitler, and The Spirit, Frank Miller's blood-saturated comic book adaptation, and of Gran Torino, in which Clint Eastwood teaches some Hmong immigrant gang members the true meaning of violence. Indeed, only a late rescheduling bumped The Road into the spring, which sadly prevented us from going over the river and through the woods, while at the same time going over the charred and mutilated bodies, and through a devastated, post-apocalyptic America. It's a weird way to mark the season of peace, but it must be said that Hollywood's willingness to spike the eggnog with a bit of blood has led to some interesting mash-ups.

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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of a .38 caliber slug ripping through Fredo Corleone's brain tissue danced in their heads. (The Godfather Part II, December 12, 1974)

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Good Christian men rejoice, with heart and soul and voice! Give ye heed to what we say -- Jesus Christ is born today! Ox and ass before Him bow, but not Jake LaMotta, who stands in the corner beating his head against the wall and insisting that he is not an animal. (Raging Bull, December 29, 1980)

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Said the night wind to the little lamb, "Do you see what I see? A star, a star, dancing in the night -- in fact, it's Malcolm McDowell, and the dance he's doing is a little soft shoe as he sings "Singin' in the Rain" and beats a woman to death with a golf club.'' (A Clockwork Orange, December 19, 1971)

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Good tidings we bring to you and your kin! So bring us a figgy pudding; bring us a figgy pudding; bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer: We won't go until we get some; we won't go until we get some; we won't go until we get some, and if you don't get moving, then we're going to get all Dustin Hoffman on you, and stick your head in a bear trap and beat your kin with an iron poker. (Straw Dogs, December 29, 1971)

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Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you haven't got a penny, then Joe Pesci is going to wonder what the hell you've been doing with all the money you've been skimming from the house, and he's going to put your head in a vise, and squeeze, and squeeze, and squeeze, until your skull caves in. What's that you're handing me? A ha'penny? Fuhgedaboutit -- it won't do. (Casino, November 26, 1995)

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Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum, I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum.
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum, that's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. But say hello to my little friend. It's an M16A1 assault rifle with an M203 underbarrel grenade launcher. Now take it, and go over and see if they can't find you some fucking room in the fucking inn. (Scarface, December 9, 1983)

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And so I'm offering this simple phrase to kids from one to ninety-two, although it's been said many times, many ways: go ahead, make my day. (Sudden Impact, December 8, 1983)