What if famous, talented people mated with other famous, talented people, thus creating soon-to-be-famous, super-talented offspring? Voila, "celebrigenics"!
This concept may reek of Germany circa 1939, but I am not supporting the creation of a master race. Rather, I am pushing for the creation of a master person.
Celebrigenics doesn't care about race or religion or riches - just talent.
For my purposes, "talent" is defined as extraordinary ability or intelligence in one's field. Physical attractiveness - supermodels please take note - is a bonus, not a skill.
Celebrigenically speaking, the most desirable couples are the Pure-Breeders: people whose talents lie within the same field. Cross-Breeders are people with talents in different areas.
The operative term here is "breed." Both parties must be able to produce a child. Unfortunately, then, age discrimination will play a big role in celebrigenics. Men must be under 60, women younger than 45.
Sadly, this rules out the literary King's. Tabitha Spruce and her husband Steven (she has published seven novels, while he is the scariest, most prolific guy ever) would be ranked #3 among Pure-Breeders. If their kid ever publishes a book, I'm buying it. Oh wait; I already did. Joe Hill's Heart Shaped Box went to #8 on the NY Times best seller list earlier in 2007. Damn this age requirement! Mary Matalin and James Carville (She helped get George H.W. Bush elected, and he did the same for Bill Clinton) would have been ranked #5. Something tells me their daughters will be able to get what they want in life, too.
On the other side of the tracks in Cross-Breeder Town, Jane Pauley and Garry Trudeau (One of the most successful television journalists of all time and a Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist who's syndicated in 1400 newspapers) would have claimed the top spot, if not for the age maximum. You may be right. I may be crazy. But Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel would've made the Top-10.
So let's get to it. Which is the ultimate celebrigenic couple?
I know what you're thinking: Brangelina. And, yes, Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt make quite an impressive pair of gene donors, especially considering their global activism. And then there's their physical attractiveness. I mean, even if their children can't act, they certainly will be nice to look at. But Brad is holding his wife back from the celebregenics top spot. He has only been nominated for an Academy Award (though he deserved a statue for 12 MONKEYS), whereas Angelina has an Oscar on her mantle. Hello 2nd place on the list.
Actually, picking the celebrigenics top seed was as easy as Game, Set, Match.
1. Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi. The greatest female tennis player ever (with extra credit for her Playboy pictorial) married one of only five men to win a career Grand Slam. Odds are their son Jaden's gonna be able to hit a decent backhand.
***Olympic gold medal sprinters Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery would've been candidates for a top-5 ranking, except their child's umbilical cord tested positive for BALCO flaxseed oil.
2. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.
3. Trisha Yearwood (43) and Garth Brooks. She has 3 Grammy's and he is the second-best selling recording artist in American history, behind Elvis. Their kids might be able to talk their way onto a honky tonk stage someday. (This was a close decision over Faith Hill and Tim McGraw; but we can only have one couple per both kinds of music, country and western.)
4. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. These two Grammy winners are sure to be a controversial pick. However, the points deducted for addiction, bad television and poor child-naming were far outweighed by the odds that daughter Bobbi makes it her prerogative to be a star.
5. Robin Penn Wright and Sean Penn. One of the most beautiful actresses in the world married to a guy who played Spicoli and has an Oscar on his mantle. Their kids won't have any trouble getting agents to return their calls.
6. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe. An Oscar winner and a guy who has acted in an Oscar winner. Their children will compete for roles with the Penn children.
7. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy. Both have won Emmy's and been nominated for Academy Awards. Something tells me their offspring could nab a line or two in the school play.
8. Phoebe Cates and Kevin Kline (59). Ask any man who was a teenager in the 80s, and they will swear by Phoebe's acting ability. Kevin has won a Tony and an Oscar. Their k-k-kid has already acted in movies.
9. Jada Pinkett and Will Smith. She sings, acts and produces. He raps, acts and produces. What's not to like about these two? I want to be their kid.
10. Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony. She sings, dances and acts, and so does he. Their kids will probably make rhythms that are gonna get ya.
Others receiving votes: Cammi Granato and Ray Ferarro; Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise; Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton; Jennie Finch and Casey Daigle; Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon; Julie Foudy and Ian Sawyers; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale; Christine Taylor and Ben Stiller; Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.
On to the Cross-Breeders.
1. Mia Hamm and Nomar Garciaparra. The greatest female soccer scorer ever and her perennial baseball All-Star husband provided their child with some amazing athletic DNA, but you don't get extra runs for kicking the baseball over the fence. Mia and Nomar, therefore, are Cross-Breeders.
*****Sheryl Crow could have locked up the silver medal AND the bronze medal by now - with Eric Clapton and Lance Armstrong. Would she have been the cockiest mom at high school honor night or what?
2. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. You know she won an Oscar, but did you also know she's got a killer singing voice? And despite what Chuck Klosterman says about Coldplay being the worst band ever, Chris is the lead singer of one of the biggest bands in the world. Apple and Moses better be talented; they're gonna take a ton of shit at recess for their names.
3. Janet Jones and Wayne Gretzky. This is a good reminder that had His Airness' wife been at all athletic or Jerry's wife at all funny, Mr. and Mrs. Michael Jordan and Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld would be high on this list. But Janet and Wayne take bronze because she was a delight in THE FLAMINGO KID and proved quite flexible in AMERICAN ANTHEM (anybody know if there's a director's cut?), while he was, uh, The Great One. Extra credit for the fact that their kid will clean up in Super Bowl pools.
4. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. An Oscar winner marries a crossover recording superstar. Their kid will definitely do something on stage, probably with a cool accent.
5. Phylicia Allen and Ahmad Rashad. Though she loses points for letting Cliff Huxtable wear those terrible sweaters, Phylicia is a Tony winner, whose sister is Debbie Allen (gotta love the genes in that family!). Ahmad was an All-Star wide receiver in the NFL and has won an Emmy for his TV "reporting." Something tells me their children might be quick on their feet.
6. Gabrielle Reece and Laird Hamilton. Gabby is a pro beach volleyball player turned model (I know I said looks don't count, but c'mon!) and Laird is the biggest of the big wave surfers. Their kids are gonna be great at something...and will kick the shit out of your kids while doing it.
7. Tabitha Soren and Michael Lewis. She was a reporter on MTV when they still did the rat-a-tat-tat news updates. He simply competes with Malcolm Gladwell for the title of Best American non-fiction writer. Their kids will probably be able to craft a decent topic sentence for a 5-paragraph essay.
8. Bridget Moynihan and Tom Brady. Bridget has graced a number of big films, but she is most notable for doing what few defensive coordinators have ever done: trap the Patriots' Hall-of-Fame bound quarterback. Assuming they only have one son - that'd be tough to explain to Giselle - he's probably going to demonstrate some grace under pressure
9. Mary Lou Retton and Shannon Kelley. America's Sweetheart was the first non-European woman to win an Olympic Gold Medal in the gymnastics all-around. Her husband used to be known as a University of Texas quarterback. Whether their children will be excellent athletes isn't the question; in what sport will they excel?
10. Heidi Klum and Seal. Supermodel turned mega-producer, Heidi landed herself an international recording star for a husband. Their kids will not be lacking self confidence.
Other Cross-Breeders receiving votes: Bridget Wilson and Pete Sampras; Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp; Amanda Peet and David Benioff; Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson; Holly Robinson and Rodney Peete; Brynn Cameron and Matt Leinart; Eva Longoria and Tony Parker; Rebecca Lobo and Steve Rushin; Christy Turlington and Ed Burns.
Waiting in the wings are other currently non-reproducing couples that would instantly vault onto the Celebrigenics Top-10 list:
Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel's child will be a laugh a minute. Beyonce and Jay Z's kid is gonna provide lots of musical entertainment. Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling's child will steal a scene someday. Do it to it, people!
Of course, there is a celebrigenics wish list:
Alicia Keys and Yo-Yo Ma
Scarlett Johannson and Leonardo DiCaprio
Tyra Banks and Derek Jeter
Sue Bird and Kirk Heinrich
Sarah Connor and John Rambo
Rachel Specter (The RGX Girl) and Jamie Reidy (Oh, sorry. That's just my wish list.)
Which celebrigenic couples have I overlooked?
Who would you wish for?