When I woke up yesterday morning it took me the usual 15-minutes to shake off my Ambien-induced sleep hangover. Once clear headed, I read the news that prescription sleep aids can cause "sleep-driving." Immediately, I recognized a boon to slackers/failures/criminals everywhere. Holy free pass, Batman!
People, this is important. Remember Billy, the "Not me!" boy from the "Family Circus" comic strip? This sleep-driving bit is Billy's wet dream: a medical explanation for every muddy footprint and broken vase.
In the world of acceptable excuses, the only thing trumping a note from your mother is a note from your doctor. SD - can't pass up the chance to coin a new acronym, with my apologies to former WWF perennial runner-up, "Special Delivery" Jones - gives you an excuse not just for missing work but for screwing up at work!
Rep. Patrick Kennedy is the most famous victim of sleep-driving, though it clearly affected Phil Mickelson on the 18th hole of the 2006 U.S. Open.
What other famous people got a "Get out of Jail Free Card" this week?
Fittingly, former FDA bosses Jane Henney (Vioxx) and Mark McClellan (Ketek) can claim sleep-approving. Dr. Sandeep Kapoor isn't responsible for Anna-Nicole's death by methadone because he was sleep-prescribing. And Barry Bonds was just sleep-steroiding.
United States Supreme Court Justices Kennedy, O'Connor, Rehnquist, Scalia and Thomas? Sleep-ruling (Bush v. Gore).
Dick Cheney was sleep-shooting, Representative Mark Foley sleep-emailing.
Former Governor George Allen and "Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington? Sleep-slurring. Ann Coulter doesn't want an excuse.
K-Fed? Sleep-marrying.
Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman? Sleep-Super Bowling.
Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak? Sleep-stalking.
I only wish we had non-addicting, perfectly safe sleep aids-that-would-soon-turn-evil when I was in high school. "Mom, I did study for physics, I swear! I was just sleep-testing."
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