You Can Call Me Al

This has been such a confusing week. My brain throbs from the heavy questions rattling in my skull like so many particles in the supercollider.

Why will it be easier for Christopher to walk away from Tony and the Family than it is for me to cancel my AOL service? Slow on the uptake, I finally decided this week that Gmail provides me with all I need ISP-wise and that it was time for me to end my 11-year relationship with AOL. This proved difficult, like tracking down a girlfriend who knows the break-up is coming. Interestingly, the world's biggest internet provider does not have a one-click "cancel" button. Traitors are forced to call an 888 number or mail a letter to get emancipated. I chose the former...and got disconnected twice after 20-minute waits. So I simply decided to call my credit card company and tell them to stop paying my monthly bill. The disputed charges representative at First Bank immediately responded, "The same thing happened to me! I have the AOL fraud phone number right here." If you're the AOL CEO, are you just a little concerned that bank operators have your fraud number handy?

I'm more than a little concerned by the current fraud in women's apparel. Can someone please explain why women are wearing dresses on top of jeans?! This is the dumbest fashion trend since leg warmers in springtime. Men everywhere should get down on their knees daily and thank their higher power for Mariah Carey, the unintentional creator of the low-rider look. Think of what she inspired: short shirts, bare navels, visible thongs. On that platform, alone, Mariah should run for office. Yet, some fashionista, who should be burned at the mannequin, recently deemed it necessary to cover up those aforementioned advancements with dresses. Why, why, why, why, why? Ladies, this is not an ice cream parlor where you can have the vanilla and the chocolate when you can't make up your minds. Choose the dress or the jeans; not both. Psst; guys vote for the jeans.

Speaking of black and white, this whole Imus thing has me frothing with confusion.

When did "nappy" become such a flashpoint term? Have people forgotten that Shawn Fanning, the computer genius who invented music file sharing, named his service "Napster" as a nod to the nickname his friends gave him for his unruly hairstyle? I have a number of black friends who didn't seem to have a problem downloading tunes for free from such a racially insensitive site...I'm just saying.

But my bigger questions from Imusgate involve that jovial gentleman of good will, The Reverend Al Sharpton.

What's his actual job description? My parents and friends often ask me - a "writer" - what do you do all day? I'd like to ask Al the same thing. He seems to have a pretty good gig.

I don't know what the pre-reqs are to be "Voice of a Community," but maybe I'm qualified. We both like to hear ourselves talk; we've both lied to authority figures (Al to NYC police investigating the Tawanna Brawley fiasco, me to my bosses at Pfizer); we both have bad haircuts; and we both make up words on live television. Come to think of it, I might really have a shot at this.

But, I'd have so much to learn as Voice of A Community. Is there an Al Phone, manned 24/7 for reports of injustices and photo ops? Who pays Al's bills? Does he have to turn in receipts for less than $75?

I bet the Rev. Al doesn't have any trouble canceling his AOL service. Man, he might even be able to get this whole dress/jeans thing turned around. Anybody know his number?