After forty years of no contact, I recently re-connected with a close friend from my late teens. He commented on how much confidence I had now. When he used to know me, I was always seeking (and not getting) the approval of my parents. I laughed and said it only took me until I was in my 50s to realize that the only approval that really mattered was my own. Self-Approval -- now there's a concept.
They say that with age comes wisdom. Or is it that wisdom comes with maturity? Whichever it is, freedom came for me when I stopped feeling the need to prove myself to other people in order to gain validation. We all want to look good for our friends, families and even strangers. We all want to fit in and be accepted. But should we be willing to give up our freedom to do it?
Think back for a moment to Psych 1A. Remember Abraham Maslow and his famous needs pyramid? Down there at the bottom were the most basic survival needs -- food and shelter. Up on the top was that high sounding, utterly misunderstood, seemingly unrealistic goal of self-actualization. Well, it turns out that Maslow defined self-actualization as "being independent of the good opinion of others." And that doesn't seem so far out, at all. It's okay to listen to the opinions of others, as long as we make a conscious choice to adopt them. And as long as we remain "independent," it really is learning rather than conforming. It looks like freedom's just another word for nothing left to prove.
An important part of that freedom is being open to "try on" new behaviors in order to learn what fits and what doesn't. And in doing so, we ought not make judgments as to whether or not they will work based on where they come from. I think we all wish Congress would be more willing to openly discuss ideas, regardless of which side of the aisle they originated.
Instead of rejecting new approaches simply because they are new (or old ways simply because they are old), it would be great if we all could be open to something that works for us. We call that exercising judgment, which is not to be confused with being judgmental. And all of us want to use good judgment. But here's the rub: Good judgment comes mostly from experience. And experience usually comes from a willingness to participate, even if we make errors in judgment. When we do, we call them mistakes or learning experiences. Without them, we stagnate.
So it turns out that only by choosing and trying to find out what works for us can we learn how to make better decisions. In this way, life becomes one great big experiment, which we can elect to see as fun and exciting, or as cosmic revenge. The choice is ours.
But regardless of how we see it or how long it takes, we alone are the sole arbiters of who we are and how we choose to show it. It's not that we aren't influenced by everything that surrounds us in one way or another. And it's not that many of our behaviors and thinking patterns weren't formed in early childhood, long before we were capable of critical thinking and analysis. But as adults, as we mature, one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the freedom to be us, "independent of the good opinion of others."
Christine Hassler: Are 20-Somethings Naively Optimistic About Their Careers?
Jan Shepherd: The Good Advice of Others
Daniel Luzer: A Lot of Stress, Not a Lot of Learning
Self-actualization - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Please share this similar feature:
http://www.backyardmystic.com/2011/01/who-stole-my-energy/
against my issue's and now there is more internal freedom just to be me, and to love it all unconditionally.
Happy Sunday.
They couldn't survive a single day (or night) if agreement were possible as to what's the good or bad opinion of others that should be guiding us. But still, what they do may be among the safer ways of exploring the 'redeeming forces of sin'.
I think the biggest difference maker is whether a person is awake, or sleep walking through life. Sleep walkers aren't actually capable of fully-informed consent, and don't really make choices. Life happens to them, by and large. As a result, they think that's what life *is*, and do not (cannot?) learn from "mistakes," *or* be independent from the good opinion of others.
You said it took you till you were in your 50s to reach that point. Would you say that you were asleep prior to that, and that something woke you up to the reality that self-approval was the only approval that really mattered to you?
♥
A
Eli -- you're awake. You get that you took a chance, went all in, reached out to the end of the branch to grab the fruit, and didn't actually get it. There's learning there for you, and it will make you stronger and wiser and more ready when your next beloved arrives. *I* think you were being protected from something, and prepared for something better. Here's to the next part of your journey.
"Good judgment comes mostly from experience. And experience usually comes from a willingness to participate, even if we make errors in judgment. When we do, we call them mistakes or learning experiences."
For the first time in a decade, I fell in love. Since it had been so long...I fell hard. I got engaged...Since I was getting married, ( rings was purchased and the deposit was down on the venue etc.) and the wonderful fellow lived in a different city, I let go of a great deal of my independence to join him in my new life.
He woke up one morning and informed me that "he didn't know if he wanted a relationship...with anyone."
"So it turns out that only by choosing and trying to find out what works for us can we learn how to make better decisions. In this way, life becomes one great big experiment, which we can elect to see as fun and exciting, or as cosmic revenge. The choice is ours." I made a choice. Some could look at my current circumstances as cosmic revenge.
I choose to see the blessings of the joy and the disappointment, and am using this experience to grow as a deeper, more loving person. Having been through this experience, I certainly make a wide range of choices that work for me better the next time!
I adore you Jan!
"I choose to see the blessings of the joy and the disappointÂment, and am using this experience to grow as a deeper, more loving person. Having been through this experienceÂ, I certainly make a wide range of choices that work for me better the next time!"
See? You couldn't be more awake and aware... and it's beautiful! I suspect that you were being both protected from something, *and* prepared for what's next for you. Here's to finding a beloved who's deserving of your fabulousness!
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I find the distinction to be one of internal/external, of positive/negative: the first belief implies that self-actualization will supply an internal source of enabling energy; the second implies that self-actualization will remove an external source of repressing energy.
When considered in this light, such distinctions may say more about the person expressing the belief than the subject of the belief itself. In general, I've observed that people concerned with FREEDOM tend to voice the former motivation, people concerned with STABILITY worry about the latter.
As for myself: I ascribe to a strong theory of tools, the idea that any given implement or concept is intrinsically morally neutral; only when that tool is put to USE can moral judgment be brought to bear, and then only upon the use itself. I view self-actualization as a means by which a person can dispense with the faults of the society around them, in addition to gaining rational underpinnings for society's traditional strengths without resorting to a traditional mentality... but such mentalities require intellectual integrity... which CAN be rare.
I find that intrinsic motivation is critical for personal things, and the marrying of intrinsic motivation with mindfulness of extrinsic factors leads to a more balanced person. But again, as I mentioned to Jan and Eli, one has to be awake. You can't sleep walk through life and be even remotely self-actualized, from my point of view!
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In that view progress largely depends on whether the feedback given (by any of the two halves) is precise (while not being exaggerated) and whether the participants of the process aim at a responses that are in proportion to the scale of the 'noise' made by the two halves of people. In other words, progress requires that everybody continually re-values the track record of past feedbacks in the light of new evidence and maturity gained. That's an extremely tricky process, because it's near impossible to eliminate the bias coming from hindsight. We need to also keep track of the truly available alternatives along the whole process. Both for the actors and for the 'judges'.
The only reason it can work is probably because in these matters, failure and success or progress are certainly matters of degree, not of yes or no.
And while I hesitate to point out that science seems to be the only thought system currently available that possesses sufficient integrity to make this kind of cycle work... yeah, that's pretty much what I do. Because it WORKS, bitches.
http://www.xkcd.org/836/
Thanks much for your excellent response.