For most of my life, I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Fear of failure, fear of making mistakes and fear of expressing what I really felt and thought. So instead of participating in life, I built up and then hid behind 200 extra pounds. And to make certain I stayed stuck, I denied myself the permission to enjoy learning.
I thought I had to know the subject perfectly even before I studied it. As a consequence, the simple and natural act of learning (as well as anything to do with performance) created a state of almost constant anxiety and an inclination to say no to life. It wasn't until I discovered that it was my thinking that required a major overhaul that I was able to truly begin my journey of getting to my normal weight and staying there.
For me, it was finding what worked and what didn't. It was learning that my ego was what was fragile, not me. And it was my beliefs that were holding me back, not my mistakes or failures. If I believed that I was capable, mistakes would just be a blip on my radar and I would be much more likely to take risks. The breakthrough came when I found out that I could use positive beliefs to move forward on my path just as I had used distorted thinking to get me into and perpetuate my addictive cycle of yo-yo dieting.
There were two highly destructive distorted thinking patterns that drove me. The first was "polarized thinking" -- thinking things are black or white or good or bad. The idea that you have to be perfect or you're a failure. It is a place, unlike reality, with no middle ground. Once I switched that type of thinking, I knew I wouldn't collapse if I ate a cookie and one cookie wouldn't lead to me eating the whole bag. Any ol' set-back did not make a journey, it was just a step.
The second distorted pattern was "emotional reasoning" or believing that whatever you feel must be true. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring. I kept believing I was inadequate even though I could converse with the smartest folks in the room, so I often just shut up. I don't know if that was because I was afraid of making a mistake or appearing foolish or both. I do know that I would then go home and stuff my face with food creating a 200 pound mistake by using that distorted thinking strategy. A very well known, highly successful friend of mine has a sign in her office that reads "Make A New Mistake Everyday." I can now take a deep breath and allow myself that luxury. And instead of weighing 350 I weigh 135.
The bottom line is that it's not only what you eat that is the cause of obesity, it's what's eating you and that change is only possible when we approach our lives and "problems" from many levels. Yes, I made wise food choices. But making wise thought choices has made it much easier for me to make wise food choices.
While this blog details two that were significant for me, there are many different types of distorted thinking patterns and limiting beliefs that keep people stuck whether or not they are struggling with eating disorders. I'd be happy to send you the complete list (Janshep@aol.com) which was given to me 12 years ago by Dr. Charles Portney, a well respected eating disorders psychiatrist. For now, here are five additional patterns. Are any of them keeping you stuck?
Filtering: Taking the negative details and magnifying them while filtering out all the positive aspects of a situation.
Personalization: Thinking everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you.
Control Fallacies: Feeling externally controlled, seeing yourself as helpless.
Blaming: Holding yourself or others responsible for every problem.
Shoulds: Having a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them.
What a relief it is to see "Fallacy of Fairness" in print. I thought I was going crazing. Now I'm going to just let it go...
Thank you for snding me the complete list of distorted thinking patterns. Per your request I am sharing which thinking pattern I think have been troublesome for me. I think I struggle in particular with a polarizing thought process. I want to do everything perfectly and if I don't I feel like a failure and get quite embarrassed. I feel like let people down when I'm not perfect and feel that I'm a diappointment, a failure and a "loser" when I dont get first place, or a perfect score, etc. The bar is set continually higher and higher. The worst part about this thinking process though is that it keeps me from trying new things because I know I'll never be perfect at performing them.
I got disciplined about my weight because of health issues (hypertension, pre-diabetes blood sugar elevation). And I'm grateful I'm no longer overweight and I'm physically healthier--but it's kind of sad that I feel so guilty and bad about myself when I'm imperfect with my weight maintenance. It's like food has become the new sin.
I took good and bad out of my vocabularly when it came to food and eating.
It really does all start within ourselves. You have a great message to share with people - and people need to hear it. Good luck to you.
Peace and much love
Lara Jane
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com/letting-go-and-moving-on/
You are now, have always been -- AWESOME!
Love,
shar
Shelley Reid
happiness,
pema
I have also come to understand that, until I love the person within, it is impossible to love another. I now define true love as an irresistable desire to give of myself with no thought of anything in return. When I found the same thing coming back to me, I knew I had found the highway to Heaven.
You are a gift.
What a spectacular blog!!!
You are giving us all tools for making peace with our bodies.
I have observed that you are the walking testimonial that your tools create lasting transformation.
What a blessing,
Eli
The Shoulds -- as in "you all should know that I really am the centre of the Universe by now", which means it pains me dreadfully when you persist in the error that YOU are the centre of the universe. This only adds to the general state of confusion and burgeoning entropy, so would you all smarten up and just do it my way?
Next week I'll be on to a brand new set of erroneous thought patterns... I like the diversity myself.
EVERY time I read, I ALWAYS find EVERY flaw. However in ALL of your writing I can't find ANY. Black and white thinking, perhaps?
Love,
Jan
My point is that the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Wish I'd invented the statement but alas, the Buddha beat me to it. I think we're all susceptible to any of these errors at any time. Lists like this are useful because they underscore a very important point that gets lost in our culture -- my mind makes mistakes. Frequently and in a delightful array of categories. Such is the nature of Mind.
So where do I turn to when I'm seeking wisdom, discernment and clarity? The mind is flawed in that regard. Fortunately, I have a source for that, I just have to 'shut up and listen". -- not easy when my mind keeps trying to run the show. It's accessed through meditation. Call it spirit, call it wisdom, call it Source, call it what you will -- it's a reminder that 'mindfulness" involves more than just the mind.
Thank you! I WORK on my thinking yet I'm still trying reach a turning point where I have truly internalized positive messages.
I like the idea of using positive beliefs as a TOOL to get you where you want to go. Maybe it is not something you have to cement into your being.... but just USE it when you need it.
I tend to feel that my distorted thinking is a personal flaw. It is helpful to de-personalize it and simply think of it as a TOOL that I have USED to get where I am.