11. FDA
Remember the big recall of eggs by the FDA? A half-billion eggs? Hey FDA, you want to protect us? RECALL THE TRIPLE CHEESEBURGERS WITH BACON!!!

10. DIET COKE DIET
I'm always looking for the new diet. Have you heard of the Diet Coke diet? Fabulous! Instead...

God is going to speak on Friday. Not Churchill or Lincoln. Tiger Woods. Himself.
As written by his publicists and managers and checked by his lawyers.

All that aside, here's the speech Tiger will give on Friday:

As you know I have engaged in behavior unbecoming for an athlete...

Bill Clinton secured the release today of two female American journalists being held in North Korea. Which makes me think--why not send our celebrities around the world on similar missions?

How about sending Brad Pitt to Iran to free the Newsweek reporter? Let's send five of America's hottest actresses to...

I want to tell y'all I am so sorry this happened over Father's Day.

I want to apologize to my wife.
What I fear is that she will not be running any more political campaigns for me.

I want to apologize to my boys.
Good daddies don't...

CNN's medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to be Surgeon General of the United States. Here are some people President Obama might consider instead:

1) OPRAH. She could run anything and she's been listening to health experts for years.

2) BARBARA BUSH. The former First...

Every actress has two acceptance speeches--one that she will say and the other that she wants to say (and we want to hear.)

Here's the speech the winning actress will give:

I want to thank the members of the Academy. I'm just grateful to be in the company of all...

RULE #1:
No gum chewing. And I'm talking to you, Leo DiCaprio. This includes everyone chewing Nicorette. No excuses. I know you're trying to give up smoking. Good for you. But on this one night, the Academy Awards, do us all a favor and head outside the Kodak Theater...