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My Top Ten (Okay, Eleven) Jokes of 2010

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11. FDA
Remember the big recall of eggs by the FDA? A half-billion eggs? Hey FDA, you want to protect us? RECALL THE TRIPLE CHEESEBURGERS WITH BACON!!!

10. DIET COKE DIET
I'm always looking for the new diet. Have you heard of the Diet Coke diet? Fabulous! Instead of eight glasses of water a day, you have five Diet Cokes! One after breakfast, one with lunch, one for snack, one after dinner, and one right before bed. Now I'll tell you the truth--I didn't lose a lot of weight but I put down a new floor, I painted the kitchen, and I tiled the bathroom!!!

9. CARNIVAL CRUISE
The Carnival Cruise liner off the coast of California had an engine fire. NO FOOD for 48 hours. Now in some countries that's called "normal"! WE start airlifting in SPAM! If I'm on a cruise and they're bringing in Spam and running out of Diet Coke, I'm taking the lifeboat and headin' for LA. I am so outta there!

8. YEMEN
Sooooo, anybody get a package from Yemen? And you didn't order any printer cartridges?

7. CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING
Recent Gallup Poll says that Congress' approval rating is 13%. You gotta wonder--how did it get that high?!

6. JOHN BOEHNER
Did you see the new Speaker of the House, John Boehner, crying on "60 Minutes"? Nancy Pelosi calls him John Bone-er. Listen, could we leave the jokes to the professionals? Please.

5. PAT DOWNS
I don't think women would protest the pat downs so much if there were really, really cute TSA guys. You put Matt Damon in a TSA shirt? Okay!

4. LINDSAY LOHAN
Lindsay Lohan did not get the part of Linda Lovelace in the upcoming movie "Deep Throat."
Lindsay? This may be a good thing. Did you see her mug shot the last time she got arrested?
She was drunk and coked up. And she looked FABULOUS! Which makes me wonder, "Do they have a hairstylist on the staff of the LA County sheriff's office? And where was this person when Charlie Sheen was booked?!"

3. CLEANING LADY
My cleaning lady was in the hospital recently. Going in for an operation. And I'm holding her hand tightly and saying, "Don't die! I don't want to vacuum!"

2. APPLE COMPUTER
I bought a new Mac computer this winter. They give you some free lessons. Like how to organize your iPhotos. What I learned was -- I need a better looking family!

1. GETTING OLDER
Now that I'm getting older, I have a new game that I like to play. It's called, "What's Your Name?"