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Tiger Woods Speaks on Friday

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God is going to speak on Friday. Not Churchill or Lincoln. Tiger Woods. Himself.
As written by his publicists and managers and checked by his lawyers.

All that aside, here's the speech Tiger will give on Friday:

As you know I have engaged in behavior unbecoming for an athlete or any man. I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I am very sorry for tarnishing the profession that has given me so much. I am sorry I disappointed my fans. And all the people who helped me to become the champion golfer I am today. Most of all, I want to apologize to my wife. I love you Elin. I love our children. I hope you will give me a chance to try again. I want to be a good husband. I have spent the last month learning how to overcome my addiction. I look forward to getting back to the game that has given me so much. Thank you.

Here's the speech he'd like to give:

What's the big deal? If you had someone with triple D breasts say she'd like to spend some time with you, what would you say? No? I've got to get home to change a diaper? What are you kidding? I'm a man. (I have needs.) I'm a billionaire. (I have money.) I'm an athlete. (I have time and money.) Nobody made Wilt Chamberlain go to a sex rehab clinic. (What a waste of time that was. And the food? Don't get me started. What a bunch of losers at that place, although they did give me some ideas for how to cover my tracks better.) What a shame, now I'll never catch up to Wilt's record. Just when I was closing in.
I really am sorry though. I am so sorry I got caught! Next time I'll hire a look alike to throw the reporters off the trail. And I'll have more security standing outside my door. And I'll have adjoining rooms. And I'll put out the Do Not Disturb sign. And I'll have the girls sign confidentiality agreements.
(I won't use protection. I mean, gimme a break.)
Elin (or is it Ellin?), I am sorry. This probably doesn't happen as much in Sweden. But this is America, baby. Lighten up!