A 9-year-old girl with a face so swollen by fat that her features are indistinguishable comes home from school crying. She gets teased, other children call her names. Her mother's response is to tell her that she's beautiful, no matter what anyone else says.
A 23-year-old woman with a mouthful of damaged teeth is distraught because she can't afford to fix them and, in the prime of her life, she can't get a date and her job prospects are diminished. Her friends rally around her, telling her that people are shallow, one day she'll have the money and the right person won't care about her looks. Besides, they say, you're beautiful.
A brilliant 40-year-old political science professor, with thinning hair and a face ravaged by pockmarks, is consistently turned down for public speaking gigs that would elevate her career. She turns to her peers for advice. After reminding her about hair treatments and dermatologists (she's already tried both), they tell her to put the negativity out of her mind. "If they don't appreciate that you're smart and beautiful, it's their loss. They're the ones who are missing out."
I understand that we live in a culture where "beautiful" and "female" have a long and complicated relationship. I know that women want to comfort each other through the hurt of living in an air-brushed, surgically-enhanced, Top Model, Cover Girl society. I also know that the word "beautiful" can be used to describe the inner person and not just their looks. But I have to wonder if we're really doing ourselves more harm than good when we insist on giving beauty such a dominant space in the sphere of women's lives and conversations. Even in "acceptance" movements, beauty is a central theme.
Why is not okay to be un-beautiful? Why is it so painful to admit a lack of objective beauty where it may not, in any objective sense, exist?
I can tell you from over 35 years of first-hand experience, from when my face first got smashed with a baseball bat and my teeth were ruined, that it's a mind-f*ck to be told "you're beautiful" when nearly every single consequential, real-world factor tells you otherwise. I can assure you that when my ankle swelled to elephant size at 16 and when I was covered with head-to-toe psoriasis in my 20s and 30s, that the world outside did not find me "beautiful." I can tell you that I spent the prime of life celibate and alone; that jobs and promotions were hard to come by and that out of social necessity, I spent a ton of energy and more money than I had trying to downplay my physical unattractiveness, and there will still be women whose first instinct is to tell me that I'm beautiful. This insistence has always felt diminishing to the reality of my experiences. It has always felt like a special woman-to-woman lie -- a strictly feminine code that seeks to replace an unwanted truth with a pretty fiction.
Yet, when we of the unattractive class walk out into that great, big world we know better. Whether we are 9, 23 or 40, we know when we are not physically beautiful. We know when we are physically damaged. We know the real-life effects of our social disadvantage, and we know -- God, do we know -- that no amount of self or other-woman affirmations about "beauty" is going to change something that much of the world finds off-putting, unattractive or even repulsive. We may appreciate that our friends find "beauty" in us, but when those perceptions don't line up with the realities we face, it doesn't feel quite right. It doesn't feel understanding, empathetic or genuine, but like a belief we're goaded into because "beauty" is just so damn important -- at least to those who insist that without it, we just won't feel good about ourselves.
Why does the matriarchy feel so drawn to steeping itself in assurances of beauty? Not that I'm using men as a role model, but they don't tip-toe around the subject of physical attractiveness, stopping to console each other that their beer bellies, balding heads and scarred faces are really, truly beautiful. They don't insist on denying their realities or the realities of other men by promoting the concept that all men are "handsome" in their own way. Instead, they have come to take for granted a patriarchy where "handsome" may be a gift, but unattractiveness is really not that big of a deal.
I wish we'd get there. I suspect that when women quit focusing so much on beauty, theirs and other women's -- whether physical or in the broad sense of personality -- that we will be able to change our real-world consequences. We will be more truthful, more realistic, more effective and therefore more tangibly helpful to one another.
I learned to live with my un-beauty. In the absence of dates and career success, I developed and honed other qualities. I'm smart, well-read, charitable, passionate and empathetic. I'm not afraid to take risks. I'm strong, aware, emotionally accessible and interested in the world around me. I'm loyal to those I love and I'm willing to put up a good fight for causes I care about. This is enough for me. It has to be, because it is what I have to offer myself and others in the absence of prettiness, in the absence of beauty.
Instead of telling the distraught 9-year-old something that does not reflect the truth of her reality, I would encourage her to develop her own, unique talents and take pride in her accomplishments. I would teach her how to defend herself and how to seek out supportive people. I would help her in whatever concrete way I could, without caving into the emptiness of the beauty paradigm.
Instead of denying the realities of other women's consequences with throwaway bromides about beauty, I'd rather stand next to them and say, "Yes, we've got to change this. How can we take the focus off of beauty and direct it toward something more valuable?" If I wanted to point out their sterling qualities, I would use the most truthful adjectives -- one of the hundreds that might describe an admirable character -- like kind, loving, generous, intelligent, sensitive, compelling or fearless.
We're never going to make it okay to not be physically beautiful if we don't get off this beauty kick we've been on for so long. We're not going to change our futures and those of other women as long as "beautiful" remains a priority. We're not going to change the culture that places such an inordinately high premium on female attractiveness as long we keep promoting beauty myths through the lies we tell ourselves and each other.
Follow Jane Devin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/janedevin
I discovered that I had more to overcome than my appearance woes and am now (late 20s) developing some decent nearly dependable happiness now that I've focused on what I love - outwardly from myself - rather than what strangers love about me based on my outward appearance.
And yet, I am attracted to people that others find odd looking. I appreciate a Jon Hamm or Angelina Jolie but truly crush on the people that don't look like them. It's become more about taking care of one's health and hygiene and cultivating an inner happiness that counts. So I could tell someone they're beautiful and mean it and they won't believe it because the rest of the world calls them a dog.
Also one note about men: some men do struggle silently with not being handsome. Being short for instance or less than sturdy, being perceived as less manly is difficult for some.
If you were celibate in your "prime" then your standards were too high lol. Go to a bar and have a few shots too many.
And for the "Don't tell me I'm beautiful" part, ehhhh double edged sword. If a gf asks if shes attractive its not like one should say "naw you're just kinda iffy in my book and really just the best I could do." You praise her and get on with life.
I broke up w one gf because she was always just a downer on herself- no fun to be with, and she was a strait up 9/10 too.
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Actually, that's exactly what you're doing. So why deny it?
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Ashley Judd wrote a very good blog here on Huffpo a few months back. She said that women are the worst enemies of other women, and she's right. Another HuffPo blogged talked about the fact that 25% of women deliberately post unflattering pics of their "friends" on their Facebook page.
No one ever says men are the worst enemies of other men. Men kid around with their friends - but it's openhanded and open hearted. It's not full of passive-aggression, jealousy, cattiness and supressed rage.
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You: So no, I don't see them as role models in the context of this subject, although I believe there's at least one way that they get it right.”
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At least one, eh? How generous of you!
I actually would get mad at all the men and women who told me 'you are so beautiful'. Why? Because it seemed to me that I had something else going: a l69 i.q. and a career as a trauma surgeon, eventually.
Beauty can be a drawback, believe me. It is better to look average and work with it.
At nearly 60, I've still retained most of my looks but gravity has taken its toll and I refuse to get surgery to fix my 'problems'. It's called getting old. I refuse to dye my hair, get Botox, or get the multiple surgeries that has made Janice Dickinson into a Frankenstein wannabe.
Is it hard getting old and wrinkly and saggy? Yes, for me it is. I admit that I'm vain, but I'm also realistic. My organs will be 60, so why should my face look 40?
However, a lack of time often confines us to snap judgements which of course are often wrong.That "beauty" may in fact over time be a beast...or not.But we use the visuals as guides to assist in our decisions, to save time...to flatter ourselves for the ability to "flock" together, or to feel good because of our "kindness" of the little lie..
In this culture, honesty is sometimes frowned upon and labeled insensitivity or even cruelty.Of course bullies can be honest but I think the focus there is on the desire to belittle.To be able to talk with a person without hiding yourself and without running them off can be enlightening for both parties.Maybe we should value honesty more than we do.And grow tougher skins because everyone of us, if observed more than casually, will draw some negative comments.And hopefully some positive comments.We will, on an individual basis, choose which to feed into.
Well, who are you (or anybody else) to define what is NOT beautiful? No, there is nothing wrong with not being the person that society expects you to be, but it does not make you "un-beautiful." Talking about reality: I'm a biracial woman who largely lives and works in white society. I don't date white men, no random white person tells me I'm beautiful, and I may not get that promotion because I wear my hair in a "ethinc" style, thus not being "attractive". However, when I visit my mother, who lives in a largely black community, I'm stopped on the street by random people who want to tell me how beautiful I am. My point is that "reality" is not always right. There was a time when "reality" thought it was normal for everyone to own a slave, it doesn't mean it was right though. Just because someone does not call you beautiful does not mean that it is true. Beauty can be MANY things in the internal AND external sense. You put WAY too much importance on what strangers think; they do NOT define who you are and how you look.
Having your face marked by a baseball bat (disease, or something similar) is not attractive in any culture.
Someone in that circumstance can't just go to a place where the view of beauty is different.
oh wait.....i think i prefer "Carmen, you are right!"
yeah, keep the beauty compliment for Barbie, thank you very much.
The 23-year-old woman = If America had some sort of public healthcare system, having damaged teeth wouldn't be a problem since she could have them fixed by a dentist.
The 40-year-old political science professor = Would this really be a problem? Stephen Hawking has managed a glittering career. I doubt many people would choose someone else over him merely for aesthetic reasons.
The 23 year old doesn't had dental insurance. The max payout was $1000/year and didn't include restorative work. Public health insurance wouldn't cover it, either. The estimate to get her teeth fixed was $30,000 dollars.
The 40 year-old does not have Stephen Hawkings prestige or genius. Although she's brighter than average, her career won't take off until she gets out of the ivory tower and becomes more of a public figure. Unfortunately, particularly for women, looks do matter and she has been passed over for many opportunities that she later learned were given to younger, less bright, better looking colleagues.
I'm perfectly fine with people making excuses, but as someone in the fitness industry I feel its just more of an idea they get in their heads to not put in a little effort.
When people say it just to make you feel better, or in other words they are insincere, I wonder why they would go to the trouble to tell such a sad lie. It's unsettling when it's insincere. I don't think the word "beautiful" should ever be used insincerely. It never does any good unless you mean it.