It's the end, and the chefs are cooking the meal of their life. Each chef is given a celebrity sous-chef (one of them being my chef boyfriend, Eric Ripert) and set to work. The episode is kind of a blur to me, and kind of a letdown. Ultimately I...

It's Puerto Rico and the chefs are arriving! My darling Stephanie arrives, and she looks glowing and relaxed. She's been traveling through Asia, "Enjoying life!" Antonia, single mom, has a bit more of a working experience - she's opened up a restaurant and been cooking 100 hours a week. Richard...

So, a bit on last week. Last week was restaurant wars, in which the team of Richard, Steph and Antonia hit it out of the park, and the other team --Team Doom, as I call them -- disappointed guest judge Anthony Bourdain and disappointed me by getting Dale, not Spike...

We open up with Spike having a serious heart to heart with himself. "Why would you want to be the outcast and act like the asshole? It's gonna follow you in your career!" Oh wait, he's talking about Dale.

Dale is vowing that he's just "gonna focus on the task...

We open up with Andrew pouncing on Spike, who is in bed. They wrestle like two bear cubs. I notice about 1000 bottles on the beside table, which may not be all his, and which may be water....but some of which seem to be extra large Bartles & James wine...

We open up with Spike making a coffee - which gives me a strange pang of kinship with Spike: Oh no, I also love coffee! Yikes! On to the quickfire!

QUICKFIRE

There are piles of cakes! Pastries! And a guest judge! It's Johnny I., pastry Icon and James Beard award...

We open with Spike delivering a delusional soliloquy - worthy of Hamlet, really, (he's holding out a skull with a giant checked fedora on it) - about how he's resented right now because "as the show goes on, the gossip starts to happen....people are afraid, maybe a little threatened because...

This is the episode where everyone goes crazy. They've been plugging it for weeks and it's here. And it's random. And crazy! There is chair kicking, pantomime crotch grabbing and also some cooking.

Also, this week I did a little Top Chef video for a hilarious website, Videogum....

This episode didn't do much for me. Possibly because I was a bit buzzed: I barely took notes and just sort of listlessly tapped away at my keyboard. Possibly because I'm distracted and still fuming over being kicked out essentially mid meal from dinner at Lucali, an okay pizza place...

Welcome to the latest episode of Top Chef. Or, as I'll call it tonight: How to condescend to both middle America and Mexican Cuisine, brought to you by Soggy Corndog Inc.

It starts with our Little Top Chef darlings at various tasks, including jumping rope and wrestling with each...

Let's get right to it: We open up with Stephanie and Valerie working on their fitness. All I will say is that this makes me wistfully recall Tre and Hung working out together, like a superhero and his sidekick. It's comes out that Stephanie and Valerie kind of know each...

Max: So, Top Chef?

Me: ooh. Well, I've decided I'm posting on Fridays. It is IMPOSSIBLE to write something between 11 at night and 7 the next morning.

Max: I was just looking for your thoughts.

Me: I'm just too old.

Max: I am not pressuring you to give me...

We open up with the usual - Christian trash talking a designer, in this case Rickie. I can't disagree with him. Christian is winning me over, dammit!

Sweet P is saying the competition is intense: "One tiny mistake and you're out." I beg to differ. E.g., Rickie.

Tim takes the...

This episode made me more uncomfortable and embarrassed than when I was 15 and ordered a "Reese's Penis" sundae in front of my parents: Rickie cries, and cries and we all cringe. And some denim was turned into things that shouldn't ever be denim. For example, a wedding dress.

Challenge:...

Well, the most important thing that we find out this episode is that Christian uses a curling iron. Or is it a crimper? I'm just going to call it a "fierce-ing machine." He seems to be back to his old self, after his near nervous breakdown during the prom episode.

Put on your wrist corsage! Get drunk off of two beers and have a tearful heart-to-heart with someone you don't know! Break up with your boyfriend! Twice! It's prom time! This will end in tears, of course.

Heidibot announces that the challenge is: "All about creating memories. You will be...

At last, a new episode. This week we have candy concoctions, Zac Posen, and a trip to the Seventh Circle of Hell - Times Square.

But let's start at the beginning. After picking the models, Heidi, who is wearing really a lot of makeup, announces that the designers have an...

Sorry for the tardiness! On last week's very special Project Runway for "normal people," we learn that fashion is all about "loving yourself." I've always thought fashion was all about trying something on two sizes too small and then throwing your back out when it gets stuck on you in...

Last night's Project Runway opens with a boring old New York skyline shot...and well, hello! It's two underwear-clad, chiseled male bodies. I can't tell you exactly who it is because I'm not looking at their faces, but I'm happy to tell you that this is really only the kick-off to...

This week we have it all: spittle, Sarah Jessica Parker and buckets of tears. What more could I ask for?

We start of with the usual Bravo Reality TV opening of the contestants standing around the kitchen, saying how they were sorry to see the last person (Simone) go. Everyone...