Top Chef: Sexy Sam & the Boys in Blue

We open up with Spike having a serious heart to heart with himself. "Why would you want to be the outcast and act like the asshole? It's gonna follow you in your career!" Oh wait, he's talking about Dale.

Dale is vowing that he's just "gonna focus on the task at hand."

Andrew, meanwhile is saying, "Everybody's beat down! Except for me! Who's all crazy! Either I'm gonna stab somebody, or I'm gonna make some amazing food!"

Just another day at the Top Chef house.

QUICKFIRE:

Padma and Sam Talbot, from last season's Top Chef, are here. Or was it two season's ago? Anyway, they are both impossibly good looking. It's freakish.

Antonia is smitten: "He's talk, dark and handsome and he can cook. Sign me up." My roommate points out that Sam is doing a "sexy pose."

This quickfire is about salad. Sam says, "this is a chance to recreate and put a little sexy back into the salads."

I would say this quickfire is about Sexy...Mr. Sexy Sam.

Sexy Sam says, "Create this millennium's Caesar or Cobb or Waldorf salad. You have 45 minutes to bring salad's sexy back."

My goodness! This salad has to stand up until the year 3000? This is a tough challenge. Someone should make a salad like that astronaut ice-cream. Just a thought.

Spike says he's going to "make something that screams, let's have sex after we eat this salad." I am worried that Spike is apparently going to soak his salad in Peach Schnapps and offer you a massage while you eat it. Watch out ladies. Spike makes a "sensual" salad with pineapple and skirt steak.

Antonia loves "fattie salads." Me too! She decides have a poached egg over her wild mushroom salad.

Andrew makes a Thai fruit salad. I find fruit salad depressing. It also reminds me of the Cored Apple of Doom from last season.

Sexy Sam and whoever that lady is come around and taste the salads. Sexy Sam really loves Spike's and Antonia's. Antonia gazes at Sexy Sam. OMG she loves him, she wants to have his babies.

In the end it's between Dale, Spike and Antonia. Spike wins. He bobs his stupid fedora in joy. He doesn't get immunity but he does get an advantage in the elimination challenge.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Sexy Sam and that lady Padma bring in trays of greasy fast food. They say this is what cops eat.

Sexy Sam is diabetic, so this challenge has a place in his heart. The Challenge is to create a gourmet, healthy boxed lunch for officers and cadets of Chicago Police Academy. The lunches must include an ingredient from five groups: whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables. "Protect their health and serve them something tasty."

Spike's advantage is that he gets an extra 10 minutes to shop and also he gets to pick a food from each group that the other chefs will then not be able to use. He glows and giggles with joy: "and now it's time to piss everybody off....my personal strategy is to make it very difficult for them." And he picks Chicken, tomatoes, bread and lettuce.

Lisa is making a shrimp stir fry, Richard is making a burrito with bok choi and tuna, Andrew is making a rice-less sushi roll with parsnip and pine nuts as sushi rice, Stephanie is making a mushroom soup with meatballs, Dale is making lettuce cups out of napa cabbage with marinated bison and Antonia is making curry beef with jasmine and brown rice and a fresh berry fruit salad.

Tom comes around to check everyone out - he seems nonplussed by Spike's lame clearly defensive strategy of chicken salad, and starts to sweat after trying Lisa's hot sauce. Richard says, "I think cops might like burritos. Just possibly." Get ready because you are going to hear about Burritos for the rest of the episode. Just think about whether or not you like burritos. Just a word of advice.

Lisa also finds that her rice is on high, not low, and it's burned on the outside and undercooked too. She howls sabotage, but no one is impressed - dale says, "that kind of shit happens in kitchens all the time." Stephanie thinks this also, so it must be true.

They all show up at the academy and start to set up and serve. And then Richard says for the first of a thousand times, "Do you like burritos? Question of the day, do you like burritos? I gotta ask you what I asked the other guy, DO YOU LIKE BURRITOS!"

It feels like torture. I finally crack, sobbing, "yes! yes i like burritos! leave me alone!" Seriously. This morning the first thing I said to Travis, after "I wish I had coffee" and "'I'm tired" and "isn't our cat adorable?" was "I've got to ask you something. DO YOU LIKE BURRITOS!!!???!"

The judges are unimpressed by Andrew's sushi roll and Spike's lame chicken salad with grapes and olives. Eww. Padma who I think is so dry and hilarious, says "It's a very pedestrian chicken salad to me." Tom actually throws down Andrew's roll in disgust.

There's an awful lot of patronizing talk about what cops like and don't like - because all cops are the same of course. Sam comes from a family of cops, and I pause to picture five identical Sexy Sams in cop outfits. IT'S AMAZING! YOU SHOULD PICTURE THIS!

Winners: It's between Dale and Stephanie for the winning dish, and Dale wins. He gets major credit for using Bison instead of beef. Dale points out, "I don't want to brag...but 5 for 20 wins..."

Losers: Spike, Lisa and Andrew.

Andrew is there because his dish wasn't hearty enough. I agree, it was 4 little pieces. Andrew points out that everything in that dish was designed to make one energized. I do think he put a lot of thought into this. He says that he made a small meal because you should eat small meals every few hours. The judges find this hilarious, because cops are of course five year olds and if they don't have a huge lunch apparently they will pig out on candy bars.

Eh. I think it was definitely a bad choice, but I don't think he should go home for this, I really don't. That said, Tom, who has a lot of zingers this episode, points out that it wasn't really good.

The judges ask Spike why he chose to do a chicken salad. He says that "I figured it wouldn't scare the police men." UGH. So patronizing.

After some prodding, Spike says "What was SO wrong about the way I used my ingredients! (re: the olives & grapes) "Salty & Sweet! What don't you understand about salty & sweet! For the common person, they thought it was amazing."

Tom: "Unfortunately for you, my opinion's what matters."

Then they move on to Lisa. She squeals about how someone was out to get her and messed up her rice. Yawn. Then, right before they go back to the holding pen, she tells the judges that Andrew didn't use a whole grain in his dish. Fine, fine, it's a competition, she can do that. But she says, in clear denial that she's pointing a finger, "Ahem, I don't want to be pointing fingers." You can't have it both ways, Lisa.

Andrew says something along the lines of, "C'mon, you called me out, finish what you started you surly finger pointer" and she says, "I'm not going to say anymore, I'm afraid I'll get punched." You're a little too deep in the mud to clamber back to the high road, Lisa.

Ultimately the judges kick out Andrew. I am upset by this. I really think it should have been Spike. He had an amazing advantage and he cooked the most uncreative dish of all time. At least Andrew tried!

Andrew, who actually really grew on me --seriously!-- as the season went on, says, graciously, "Thank you, no security necessary, thank you for this opportunity and I'd like to shake your hands." Andrew, I liked you. You are always welcome in my house. But please remember it's my house.

Then I chatted with Old Max:

Max: Great episode.

Me: I think it's a travesty that spike didn't go home over Andrew. Andrew at least took a risk,
even if it was dumb and arrogant.

Max: Also gross. Most importantly, gross.

Me: with if the best spike can do, with that advantage, is play defensively - lame

Max: Spike's dish was weird and unambitious, Andrew's was actually gross. And then he was a
total asshole to the judges.

Me: Ah, i didn't think andrew's was gross. Spike's seemed gross to me. Oh no wait, that is just
his hat and personality

Max: It looked pretty disgusting, and Tom thought it tasted bad. I mean, Lisa is the worst. What a
terrible person.

Me: OOF! Agreed

Max: She goes nuts about "sabotage" (sure) and how it's a travesty, then throws Andrew under a
bus and is like "Hey, it's a competition"

Me: oh totally.

Max: Well, if it's just a competition, it's cool if someone just constantly fucks with her stove. And
then being self righteous about the rules..,

Me: if spike makes it to the final three, I will wear an ugly hat and THEN eat it. ugly hats and
vicious back stabbing can only take you SO far in Reality TV. Call me a romantic.

Max: Haha, truth.

Comments

[crmaison]

Final four will be Richard, Dale, Antonia and Stephanie. I think Richard will win, but I like all four of them. Spike and Lisa need to go and soon!

[Charity]

good article, jane. i recall past seasons of "sabotage" claims on TC, but really, lisa was quite the whiner this week - and then to sabotage andrew at the judges table was a bit much. i think my overall favorites are richard, antonia and dale in that order. all three deserve to win TC based on their talent (dale is turning out to be a real dick, however....).

antonia really grew on me because at first i didn't think she had the goods, but week after week she manages to come up with some good dishes, and with a good attitude to go along with it.

sexy sam, indeed. he can toss my salad any time.

[Philippa]

Richard's off his game in this episode. I think he's very talented. I'm rooting for Dale as well despite of his unimpressive behavior when his team lost in the knife skills challenge. Andrew's idea of preparing a very nutritious lunch box was great, but his execution was very lacking. Spike just planned to screw up everyone and ended up screwing himself. He's lucky he didn't get eliminated. Lisa seems to resent it (more than the others) each time she's in the least favorite group. She's in a contest where judges say what they like and don't like about the food prepared. She should expect criticisms as well as praises from them. The brown rice issue made me wonder, are rice cookers a "no-no" in chefs' kitchens?

[leftLibertarian]

I used to watch TC but this season is just dull. If it wasn't for the fetching Padma, I'd never tune in from time to time.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Dear Jane "All Top Chef All the Time" McGivney,

Down in front -- you're blocking my view of Padma. I think my wife has figgered out my newfound love of cooking.

Andrew's ego got the best of him (and I'm thinking of rule-compliance, but kudos for challenging it); Spike couldn't make a PB&J playing "prevent defense"; and Lisa bit off WAY more than she could chew -- call-out-wise.

What, she never checked the burner on her rice? Whaaa. And WHAT a dour-puss!

Speaking of salad, all three deserved to be tossed.

Cheers.