Why You Shouldn't Follow Amy Chua's Parenting Advice

Why in the world would any of us take directives on parenting from a legal scholar? With all due respect to my friends and clients who are attorneys, but seriously? I certainly wouldn't suggest that anyone take legal or financial advice from me, a family therapist. So what's at the heart of the uproar in regard to Amy Chua and her outrageously intrusive and controlling approach to parenting?

Chua is a law professor and author of the newly published, controversial memoir "Battle Hymm of the Tiger Mother." While some say that she meant to be ironic and self-mocking, about her endorsement of the "Asian mother as scheming, callous, overdriven and indifferent to their kid's true interests," many aren't laughing.

I've seen children raised in the rigid, demanding, narcissistic way that Chua advocates. Rooting from many ethnic and cultural backgrounds, they end up in my therapy office anxious, disordered and lost for how to find a meaningful relationship with another person. Yes, they may have graduated at the top of their class and have impeccable pedigree from elite institutions, but they aren't content and have no clue how to feel good about their achievements. They have overactive inner critics and underactive inner supports.

My colleague Ken Ginsburg, author of several parenting books, says that when raised with image-obsessed parenting, teens will respond by saying, "I should be what they tell me I must be." The art of obsessive parenting -- aka Chua style -- most often sets a child up to feel of value only when they are pleasing someone else. It predisposes them to psych-out what others might want from them and then make it happen. Over time "being good" at this doesn't work to build real self-esteem, instead it drives them toward a frenzy of perfectionism, self-criticism and self-doubt.

In her essay, "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior," published in The Wall Street Journal, Chua arrogantly suggests that she knows best and if we don't do as she does, our kids may turn out to be less than. Parent's today, especially mothers, are terrified of being "less than" so they are in an uproar and need to be assured that this is not the guru to follow.

Humiliation and shame successfully break a child's spirit in exchange for submission and control. It may give a parent a sense of domination and power, but it doesn't make a child trust their parent or confide in them when they are in need of guidance. It creates division between the one with rights and the one without, causing resentment, dissociation and a need to distance on the part of the child. Mother, fathers, you decide -- power and control over another to boost your ego, or connection and closeness built upon encouragement and respect? I suggest the later.

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Comments

[Jose Curefreaky]

02:45 PM on 02/05/2011

I'm a Tiger. I am not Asian, I live in TX, and Agree 100% with the Tiger Philosophy. The majority of Americas youth are lazy, fat, and ignorant. The majority of American parents have also become lazy. A couple I know recently were ecstatic that they moved to a new school district because they were less demanding on their child, which means the parents had to deal less with their child schoolasticly and they could play more, seriously. It further astounds me how people are so angry at Chua, even making death threats against her. Especially as how her attitudes towards the rearing of her children is in line with Traditional American values of ingenuity and excellence. The Lazy American Parents simply don't want to be bothered with their faults and shot comings. This is why OUR country is now a laughing stock of the global community, but these same arrogant lazy parents are the same ones who don;t care because We're America! I praise the Tiger Mom, and scorn the Lazy Parenting Skills or Lack-there-of of Americans, it's time we stepped up to the plate, took responsibility for our actions, and corrected our course, because we are on a crash course with disaster.

[margot55]

08:53 PM on 02/03/2011

While I am not a parent, I am a clinical social worker who has had a lot of experience working with parents and observing parents and their children in everyday life. Based on my experiences, I am in complete agreement with the premise that successful child rearing has much more to do with consistency in limit setting, clarity and follow through with consequences for negative behaviors, support and encouragement for positive ones, and most importantly, assisting the child, regardless of age, in identifying their own individual strengths and talents. There is no such thing as a one size fits all approach such as is implied by the Tiger Moms approach, and I am frankly offended by the rubber stamping of children in such a manner. This is not rocket science - this is just plain common sense!

[NancyJoRose]

03:35 PM on 02/03/2011

Whether parents are "strict" or "lenient," humiliation and shame should never be employed if parents want to raise functional, well-adjusted children. As the author points out, they "successfully break a child's spirit in exchange for submission and control."

Instead, if we see each child for who he or she is (not what we want them to be!), and learn to accept and love that unique person as they are, then we give our children LICENSE TO SHINE. Of course, this must be coupled with proper limits, discipline, and effective family structure.