G.O.P. Creates New Welfare Campaign

04/26/2015 04:47 pm ET | Updated Jun 26, 2015

After numerous attempts to create a campaign that simply told the poor to "go fuck themselves," the Republican Party opened up a new welfare campaign that would offer free consultation to welfare recipients, as long as they would skip work without pay and commute at least one hour to the meetings.

"The poor were simply having too much fun and rubbing it in our faces" said Presidential hopeful and professional gold bullion collector Rand Paul. He continued with, "There's nothing we love more than telling women and poor people what they can and cannot do; give me an inner city uterus, and I'm like a goddamn kid in a candy store."

The campaign, still in beta and referred to as "The Reagan Reach-Around," is being spear-headed by Speaker of the House and tangerine stunt-double John Boehner. Boehner, tired of playing second fiddle to GOP members that "people give a shit about," wanted to raise the possibility of bi-partisan agreement between the tea-party and the GOP.

The Reagan Reach-Around, Boehner said, will specialize in further demoralizing and de-humanizing the nation's poor. "I don't know where the hell they get off thinking they can lead normal lives," stated Boehner, with a firm belief that poor people shouldn't be able to think about much more than how poor they are or how much shorter their life expectancy is. Boehner furthered his comments by stating, "Listen, I know that pools are refreshing and it's good to go to the movies to ease your tensions, but such joys in life are for job-creators, not a bunch of moochers."

In order to enhance the ground game of the Reagan Reach-Around, the GOP is offering part time employment to wealthy suburban mothers to go into various stores in inner-city food deserts and publicly shame the grocery baskets of less fortunate patrons.