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Janice Harper

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How To Cook If You Don't Cook

Posted: 07/18/2012 10:25 am

It always baffles me when I run into someone who doesn't cook; it's like finding out they don't eat. But who am I to judge? My father was a carpenter and I can barely hammer a nail. My mother was a wonderful seamstress and I'd rather glue on a button than sew it. Clothing and shelter are human needs, just like food, yet I have relied upon others to provide them for me. So, too, the non-cookers who have found that restaurants, pizza delivery, deli and housemates can provide all the food they need. But after many conversations with bright and talented friends who have no interest in cooking, I have concluded that even the most resistant among them would like to be able to fix their own supper once in a while.

Yet most well-meaning cooking mentors try to coax the kitchen-resistant into learning to cook by starting with the basics: measuring, techniques, and using the best ingredients. That's like my father showing me the proper way to use a power drill or my mother telling me to measure my fabric before cutting it. That's where they'd lose me. I don't like to do those things, so my eyes gloss over. It may be to my own detriment, but so it is.

And so, too, with the kitchen-resistant. They didn't learn to cook in the first place because cooking didn't interest them and someone else was doing it for them. Now grown, they are not cooking for three main reasons: they don't have the ingredients on hand; they don't have the tools; and they don't have the interest to sustain a prep job that requires getting out a lot of measuring cups and other tools and going step by step over a confusing recipe. They want fast food. What works for experienced cooks is not going to work for kitchen-resistant cooks. So here's my advice to people who don't cook.

Keep a few non-perishable ingredients on hand. Dried pasta and rice are basics. Pre-grated parmesan from the deli, not the green can. Keep it in your freezer. No, it's not fresh Parmigiano-Reggiano, but that's okay; others can serve you that. And don't worry about having lots of spices. Have three. Anthony Bourdain says if you don't take the time to chop fresh garlic, you don't deserve to eat garlic. But then again, he eats eyeballs, testicles, and pig anus. Yes, fresh garlic is essential to quality cooking, but if you rely on fresh garlic, it is going to sprout and mold and end up tossed out and you won't have it when you need it. Buy already peeled garlic and freeze it, or get some dried, minced garlic (Penzey's is a good one). If it's dried, dilute with a spoonful of water when you need it. Notice I said spoonful, not teaspoon. Don't worry about precision; just grab a spoon from the drawer.

Get some red pepper flakes, and one herb, whether thyme, rosemary, or basil. If you like basil, and you do, consider buying pesto sauce and freezing it in ice cube trays. It will be there when you need it. Rosemary also freezes well, and so does dill. If you see fresh dill at the store or in your neighbor's garden, snatch it up and stick it straight in the freezer. Just snip what you want when you want it. But of course, you won't know when you want it, so I'm telling you: whenever you put butter on something (as long as it isn't sweet). Butter and dill are divine, especially if you add some garlic and lemons. As for lemons, just pop a couple in the freezer. They thaw in about thirty seconds in the microwave. Squeeze on your vegetables, add salt. It's done. Keep butter in the freezer if you don't even keep that ingredient on hand, and buy a bottle of olive oil and keep it in the fridge. Other cooks might keep it near the stove, but they use it regularly. You don't, so don't let it get rancid. It will get cloudy in the refrigerator, but that's okay; it's fine when it warms up.

Remember you only need a few tools, not an entire tool shed. Even though I don't know any carpentry and can't use a sewing machine, I still have a bucket of tools and a sewing box on hand for what I can manage. And so, too, with the kitchen. Get a 6-quart pot (the size of a small basketball or great big hat box) for boiling things, one Pyrex baking pan for baking things, and one non-stick skillet for sautéing things. A small saucepan is handy too, but start with the three for now. Add one good knife (it will always be dull, so get this sharpener and you'll love it), a big cutting board (toss out that one you have that's the size of a coaster; it's like chopping onions on a domino. Get a big one.)

And get a colander, a good pair of tongs (a bad pair will enrage you; don't risk it), and a timer (or two). The timer is essential, because you need to keep track of what you're doing and since you probably aren't all that interested in what you're doing, you need reminders. How to make pasta? Get a big pot of water, drop a spoonful of salt into it so it tastes like seawater. When it boils, add the dried pasta, set the timer for 6 minutes, taste, set for two more minutes if it needs it, taste again. Drain. See why the timer? If you didn't have one, you'd wander off to check your email and get back to it once it's turned to slime.

Learn three recipes, no more, no less. Teach yourself to make three simple things and you'll be able to come up with a decent meal whenever you want one. Get on Youtube and find a good demonstration of how to make an omelet. (I won't teach you because I hate eggs, but that's my own weirdness, don't let it be yours.) Find a recipe for spaghetti in garlic, red pepper flakes and butter. Learn it. And learn to make a Caesar salad. You don't have to make the dressing yourself no matter what the cookbooks say; that's for people who like to play in the kitchen. You like to get out of it. Buy a good quality bottled Caesar dressing and to hell with the culinary snobs.

Here's an easy Caesar salad: Wash and dry some romaine lettuce. If you don't have a salad spinner, and you probably don't, wrap it in a cotton towel and stick it in your washing machine. Put on the spin cycle. Take it out and it's ready. But don't throw it in the dryer; rip the greens apart. Toss with some of your pre-grated parmesan. Add anchovies if you like them. Then add croutons. Boxed if you must, but they're super easy to make. Start by just ripping up some stale bread and baking (in your baking pan) at 350 for fifteen to twenty minutes. As you get braver in the kitchen, drizzle the bread with a bit of olive oil and add some garlic and herbs before baking. But that complication can come later. Just rip and toast for starters. When you've made a batch, keep it in a plastic zip-lock bag in your freezer.

The secret to getting in the kitchen if you're kitchen-resistant isn't about mastering a lot of techniques and recipes. It's about creating a kitchen that works for you. And for you that means minimal prep, minimal mastery, and minimal stress. Don't worry about learning to cook. Think about learning to keep a few things on hand that won't rot before you use them; learning to make just three things (and they might not be the three things I've listed here; they might be steak, baked potato and salad or prawns, rice and sautéed spinach. You decide.) And don't even think about measuring properly, slicing perfectly, or memorizing a million flavor combinations. Think about getting in and out of the kitchen as fast as you can with as much fun as you can and before you know it you'll be doing what you really love; which isn't cooking at all. But who knows where that first batch of croutons might lead? After all, Julia Child was middle-aged before she ever learned to make an omelet. So why not get in the kitchen and break an egg...

 

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It always baffles me when I run into someone who doesn't cook; it's like finding out they don't eat. But who am I to judge? My father was a carpenter and I can barely hammer a nail. My mother was a w...
It always baffles me when I run into someone who doesn't cook; it's like finding out they don't eat. But who am I to judge? My father was a carpenter and I can barely hammer a nail. My mother was a w...
 
 
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09:51 PM on 07/20/2012
Janice you never fail to impress me; I love that this piece is about sensuality for those afraid to step into their bodies. Those afraid to "cook" will never be the same after taking your directions. ;-) I can almost taste the olive oil dripping off the prawns...
09:40 PM on 07/20/2012
So like you, Janice; completely realistic and beautiful at the same time ;-) You know that anyone who goes this far is going to go a little bit farther...
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LunaNik
Harm none; do what ye will.
07:05 PM on 07/20/2012
A chunk of fresh parmigiano reggiano keeps just about forever in the fridge if you wrap it tightly in plastic wrap, then in foil. Be sure that the plastic wrap is tight against the cut surface of the cheese.

I would add a microplane to the toolbox. Those lemons in the freezer will provide even more flavor from their zest. Plus, you can grate the parmigiano and the fresh garlic. (Hey, throw limes in there too!)

Two things to learn: how to caramelize onions and how to bake bacon until it's crisp. Both add immense depth of flavor to many savory dishes.

Lastly, whole black peppercorns and a pepper grinder are essential. The pre-ground pepper just doesn't have that sharp bite.

I hope I'm not being overwhelming...I can't imagine not knowing how to cook! It's such a joy. I find it to be great therapy for whatever ails me to just go into the kitchen and create. I'm so thankful that my mom could cook and took the time to teach me, and that my daughter has a love of the kitchen as well.
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lilacoceans
Living in the California sunshine.
01:11 AM on 07/19/2012
I am having so much fun sitting here imagining all the inexperienced cooks not wrapping their romaine lettuce snugly/correctly in a towel and having their washing machine innards plastered with romaine leaves:) Good Times!
ThinkCreeps
Seriously, it's time.
07:13 PM on 07/18/2012
They're inexperienced, not deserving of punishment.
The arguments improve through the article, but there are three howlers that stand out:

Frozen `parmesan' from Wisconsin tastes like vomit.

You need garlic. Keep it in the fridge and it'll last for months.

What on earth do you want tongs for? Buy two spatulas.

A small handful of salt, not a spoonful in a big pasta pot: there's a lot of salt in seawater, about 3% by weight.
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Janice Harper
08:07 PM on 07/18/2012
I couldn't cook without my tongs, it would be like having my arms chopped off. But your comments point to the bottom line: do what works for you. But really, do salt the pasta water. At least a couple of teaspoons. And no, frozen Parmesan does not taste like vomit; it is nowhere near as good as fresh, but non-cooks won't keep it fresh, so frozen will at least get them using it. And 'll try your tip for garlic. I never thought about just refrigerating it. Some things are so obvious, and yet so hard to figure out . . .
06:43 PM on 07/18/2012
My suggestion would be to get a crock pot. Here are some of the things I like about using one:

1. Outside of a little chopping, there isn't much to cooking with a crock pot: you put the stuff in the crock pot and then forget about it.

2. You don't have to worry about liquids boiling over or overcooking/undercooking your food.

3. Using the crock pot encourages leftovers (meaning you don't have to cook as often).
03:22 PM on 07/18/2012
Thanks for the freezing lemons trick - mine always rot before I remember I have them. For years my ex and I owned a bunch of seafood restaurants on the upper east side of Manhattan. I was young and couldn't cook unless I measured everything out perfectly (my father was an engineer) a tedious chore. My ex and our partners cooked entirely from instinct. They taught me the two secrets --- fresh fresh fresh ingredients and don't plan what you're cooking ahead of time. Look at a couple of ingredients to get inspired and cook what your taste buds crave. Of course cook books are great for inspiration (who could possibly have the same ingredients on hand) but they're just a suggestion.
mothergrace
If they knock you down, bite 'em on the ankle.
02:56 PM on 07/18/2012
I helped my college student set up a basic kitchen arrangement with some basic utensils and spices as well as a rice cooker (as we eat a fair amount of rice) and a panini press.

Even though we had cooked together and they had cooked dinners at home, in the face of their basic reluctance to cook for themselves, even with a cupboard and a refrigerator full of ingredients, my basic advice was to fall back on three approaches, the stir-fry, the sandwich and soups.

Starting with a little olive oil and some garlic, something in a saute pan can go in almost any direction. Add meat, salt and pepper and vegetables. To go Italian, concentrate on tomatoes and Parmesan and even a little mozzarella, serve over pasta. Mexican, throw in some canned green chilies, maybe a squeeze of citrus, serve with tortillas. Chinese, a little soy sauce and sesame oil to serve over rice.

Soups same idea. Some boxed stock and just start throwing in stuff whether it is frozen shrimp or chicken with lots of vegetables then add potatoes or serve with noodles or rice.

Sandwiches, well, let's just say you can put almost anything in a panini press and it tastes pretty good.

There have been a lot of good meals coming out of that kitchen now (a few weird ones too, but that will happen as long as you keep cooking).
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Janice Harper
09:16 PM on 07/18/2012
Great suggestions; you've got it! (At first I thought the bit about the paninii press was silly; but when you said it makes every sandwich taste pretty good it made perfect sense. Go for it!)
12:00 PM on 07/18/2012
I think your advice and insights are terrific for getting people started in the kitchen; they are simple and sensible, though I think you way overdosed on the "add garlic" advice - everything's fine without it: garlic in the store looks complicated to kitchen novices and doesn't add much to a meal unless a person is a garlic lover, IMHO. Your instruction and suggestions for starting up a life in a kitchen are really helpful and how I wish millions would follow your advice and start a life in the kitchen, it's where they will ultimately consume the healthiest part of their diet! No one should eat porcessed, manufactured, boxed "easy to prepare" foods from supermarkets. The kitchen is where all hope for good health resides. Keep at it. Thank you.
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Janice Harper
01:20 PM on 07/18/2012
Thank you for your kind words and I do hope I've inspired some brave souls to try out their kitchens. Of course, garlic isn't for everyone and very often it is indeed overdone, but any three spices and herbs are a good start. My favorites include cumin, coriander and thyme, though with a fresh rosemary bush outside the door, that wonderful herb ends up in everything from chicken to lemon-rosemary muffins. The key is finding a few you love and feel comfortable working with, and playing around those. Strive for simplicity and a good time and cooking isn't so difficult after all.
02:20 PM on 07/18/2012
Nice photo. :)