Fat Daughter: A Punishment from God?

Dear Our Lady of Weight Loss,

My daughter is fat and it is breaking my heart. Please help me to help her lose weight.

- Parent of Fat Child

Warning : My head is spinning, and it may well explode. Not pretty!

Our Lady of Weight Loss and I have this month (and we are only 3/4 of the way through it) received a record number of emails from readers seeking advice on how to 'fix' their child. Actually, now that I think about it, they were asking advice on how to 'fix' their daughters. Not a fat son amongst us? Anyway -- that's another topic, hey? ... I do digress.

All those missives gave me a headache, as I flashed-back to my troubled 'fat' youth and the memory of my mother, on one particularly trying day, saying to me through tear-stained eyes, "It's such a shame that you have such a big behind."

Shame delivered, picked-up and packed-on!

And so, to those who are thinking, "Wow, my child is fat. How can I fix her?" I'd like to give you a Kick in the Tush, and serve up a few choice words Our Lady of Weight Loss style!

Our Lady of Weight Loss's Eight Honest, Straight and Digestible Points of "LITE" for You and Your Child

1. Knock it off! I could be wrong (rarely :), but it sounds to me like you are more concerned about your broken heart than the health and happiness of your child. Get over yourself. Remove yourself from the equation. This isn't about you!

2. Punishment from God? A 'weight loss' reduction program/conversation is more than likely going to be perceived by your child as a form of punishment. And why wouldn't it be? Don't you think of 'dieting' as one of the great injustices and punishments in your life?

3. Get Moving. Are you (and the family) gathering around the boob-tube each and every night, snacking together as you watch "The Biggest Loser?" Or are you setting up a game of badminton or horseshoes in your backyard? How about joining or creating a family bowling league? For you apartment dwellers, how about a game of twister?

4. Eat Healthy. Are you eating healthfully? What foods are you serving? What kind of snacks do you have in your home? Do not even think about telling me that you 'have to' buy chips, chocolate and cookies for your husband or son -- or for the matter for the other skinny sister.

5. Educate Yourself and Your Child. Rather than harping on the negative, i.e. your child's big behind, why not learn about nutrition and talk up the health benefits of watermelon? And definitely learn the art of reading a food label! Teach yourself and your child!

6. Happy Mealtime. Make mealtime a happy family time. Sit down and discuss the highlights of your day over a plethora of fresh vegetables, whole grains, and organic foods a plenty.

7. Shop Together. Ask for your child's input. Sit down and create a list of high-nutrient foods. If your child says, "I'd really like a chocolate donut." See if you can figure in one sweet (perhaps, a one-oz. square of dark chocolate) along with a fruit salad. And if your child still wants the donut, buy one tiny pack of pre-portioned mini-donuts. Remember God's 10 Commandments and the forbidden fruit!

8. Love Trumps Fat. Love yourself and your child just as you are. There is nothing 'wrong' with your child. She does not need to be 'fixed.' Open your eyes. Witness the true beauty of the person who is standing before you.

Bottom line.

Be aware of the message that you are putting down for your child to pick up. Lead by example. Create a happy and healthy home.

Spread the word ... Not the icing!
Janice

Read more from Janice on her Beliefnet.com weight loss blog or visit her Our Lady of Weight Loss website.

Follow Janice Taylor on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OurLady

Comments

[johnashman]

I can't imagine how children could possibly get such little exercise that they grow up fat. I ate whatever I wanted without limitation, as much as 10,000 calories in a day, possibly more. My parents utterly indulged me. But I was outdoors any chance I had. And graduated high school with ~2% body fat.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Janice

Beautifully put. I ,like many others, see my kids as reflections on myself. When we do that, we concern ourselves with the wrong viewpoints. Thanks for reminding parents to be nurturers first.

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Nurturers first. And we need to see our children as they are, not reflections of ourselves. Thank you for saying so.

Janice

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Janny ... another Class A blog

What touches me is your wise and compassionate approach to weight loss combined with humor

Spread the word ... Not the icing!

Spread the love, not the negative, self effacing attitude some people have

You Shine,

Big Love,

Ed

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey BIG LOVE (one of my favorite shows, BTW),
Humor = another way to 'lighten' up.

Happy Day.
Spread the Ed word ... with love.
Janny

[lpsegal]

Wow!!!!! A stark reminder of how we all have to accept each other....if we can't do it in our own families, then where do we start???? Brava, Janice!!!!!!

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you LP for taking this beyond weight and reminding us that it is about 'excepting' each other.
If our original families fail us, then we can look toward our friends.

Spread the word ... NOT the icing,
Janice

[BarbP]

Throughout my childhood, my parents and my extended family were obsessed with my weight and food intake. Looking at photos of me from that time, one would be rather puzzled by this, as I wasn't the slightest bit overweight. Rather, their obsession was all about their issues. I "took up too much space" in their lives, and they expressed that by telling me I took up too much physical space. Not surprisingly, by the time I reached adulthood, I had developed serious problems with my weight, my body image, and my relationship with food. A good therapist helped me sort it all out, but not before I'd done a lot of damage to my health.

Bravo to Janice for addressing this issue! It's especially important in a culture where we're bombarded with images of ultra-skinny celebrities, and told that they represent the beauty ideal. Parents need to protect their children from that, to counter those negative messages, not reinforce them by shaming their children.

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you BarbP for your support, encouragement and insightful words.
Parents do need to protect their children, rather than be on the attack.

Brava.
janice

[benne]

Any message of weight-loss necessarily requires the parent to make the fat child feel lousy about herself. The only solution to this problem is to love one's child unconditionally and to encourage her to be healthy, whatever her size. Otherwise, you'll have a child, who is embarrassed to go to the gym UNLESS she is going there to lose weight.

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, Benne, any and all reference to weight is likely to be interpreted as a negative.
In fact, we should across the board say kind words to each other to 'lift' the spirit.

Thanks for writing.
Janice

[wendy82551]

I could write for pages on this subject! Both of my children -- sons! -- had weight problems growing up. I remembered well the agony of my parents' constant harping on my weight -- the fat doctors, the diets, the insults ("Get out of the refrigerator, you fat pig!") -- and determined that I simply would not do that to my children. Their bodies were THEIR issues. MY job was to handle my own stuff and love them just the way they were. I would be there as a resource for them if they wanted, but their bodies were their business. At some point, both of them decided they wanted to lose weight. The eldest simply continued to eat anything and everything he wanted, just half of it--so if he wanted a doughnut, he had half a doughnut, etc. He dropped 100 pounds in a year and has kept them off consistently for ten years now. He exercises regularly and manages his eating with a minimum of deprivation OR over-indulgence. His brother, likewise, just started eating better and dropped it. I firmly believe that at least part of their success can be attributed to my willingness to honor their boundaries--their bodies, their choices. I didn't need to tell them that they would suffer by being overweight: they knew that already. My goading would have only created resistance. I suggest that mothers who have issues with their children's weight need to realize that THEY (the mothers) have issues, and deal with

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Wonderful to hear from a mother who 'gets it' and lives it.
Amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Janice

[luzcannon]

I had (well, technically, have) one of those mothers. I was a straight A student, graduated 2 years early, youngest person in the junior symphony, full scholarship to college gotten without parental assistance, blahblahblah. And I have NC-CAH, which means I am one of the rare fat people with real glandular problems.She's spent my whole life trying to "fix" me, even though I'm extremely healthy, relatively accomplished, and fairly well balanced. I finally had to stop talking to my mother all together. Last time I tried, after 9 years of not, within 10 minutes she said "I think I know what's wrong with you." Yeah, me too - her.

Away from my crazy parents, I lost over 100 pounds, despite the hormonal challenges, and have kept it off. I learned, not from my family, how to exercise - doing things I love - and eat well. Those "breaking my heart" parents should be shot, er, reeducated. My mother never saw ME, nor my accomplishments, which most parents would have at least noticed, only my fat, and hair (CAH). Which is why, at the age of 50, I won't speak to her. Love your children, get off your ass and walk with them, educate yourself instead of dumping your responsibilities on a kid, teach them how to love themselves and their bodies with movement and nutrition. If you can't do that - you're the one who needs fixing. Fat kids are a product of failed, lazy, unimaginative, shallow parenting - period.

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

You are a star! Imagine, even with NC-CAH, you managed to permanently remove those 100 pounds. And I love that you learned to do 'the things that you love.' I know for sure that when we tap into our happiness, we move away from excess eating.

Happy that you've moved on.
Janice

[SigmundPi]

This is such a wonderful article...the awful messages delivered to children: you are not enough as you are; you aren't love-able; you need to be fixed. These messages reflect mother's own hangups as the chain of negativity is hanged down from generation to generation.
Thank you for your insights and useful advice

[Janice Taylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, SPi for writing.