THE BLOG

# Kick in the Tush Club: What's Your Handicap?

01/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Golf is a great leveler. It's handicapping system enables beginners to compete with skilled players. A zero handicap is called a 'scratch' handicap, and a 20 handicap is called a 'bogey.' The handicap measures how well you'd stand up against a 'scratch' golfer.

Our Lady of Weight Loss, the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat Removal - she who guided me on my 50 pound weight loss journey - is well aware that some of us have bigger challenges to overcome than others, so she had me design a formula for computing our weight loss handicaps, enabling us to compete with those with high metabolisms, those who forget to eat, and the gym bunnies of the world.

How to Calculate and Best Utilize the Our Lady of Weight Loss Handicap System

Note: Handicaps are earned. They are for professional 'dieters' ONLY. In order to receive a handicap, you will have had to have been on at least five diets in your lifetime. (I suspect that qualifies most of us.) 5 different diet plans that you followed for least 5 consecutive weeks. This is not for the weak at heart, nor for those who are playin' around with weight loss. This is hard core!

Instructions:

Step 1: Total the pounds lost in your last attempt to lose weight over the course of the last five weeks you were on said diet.

Step 2: Multiply that number by the number of children you have living at home.

Step 3: If you are living with an adult who insists on eating in front of you and who is insensitive to your weight loss mood swings, factor in an additional point. If he or she is truly impossible, give yourself another 3 points. Add to above number.

Step 4: Multiply that number by 3.

Step 5: Divide by 5. (Slice off fractions, as you would slivers of cake.)

Step 6: For every 10 points, give yourself one handicap point. Those who have a handicap of 10 or more are called 'turnips.' (Thus, the above art in case you were confused.)