Forward-thinker Dr. Timothy Leary first said, "[D]eath is the last taboo." He was right, but it doesn't have to be that way. Let's pick it up, spin it all around, look at all its facets, and then set it on the shelf right out there in the living room.
Fact One: Dying happens. It happens to everyone. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, it's the only guarantee in life besides taxes.
Fact Two: You have choices. While doctors and hospitals don't often discuss them with you, there are multiple courses of action when you or a loved one has a terminal disease or illness.
Fact Three: Death, whether it's your own or someone else's, can be easier if you think about it ahead of time and make a contingency plan. Those plans need to go way beyond pre-paid funeral arrangements or how you want the ashes scattered. We plan for every other eventuality in modern life, don't we? Why not plan for dying? We're Americans! We're pro-choice and have a right to have it on our own terms.
Easier said than done, perhaps. There are many reasons people don't think or talk about dying. Fear is high among them, but I think the bigger reason is that we don't have the words, the framework, the familiarity with the topic that helps us find a natural segue to start. How can you develop one?
The first step is to acknowledge on a visceral level that someday you will die. In our Western culture, we avoid that reality at all costs, which makes it much more shocking and traumatic when it inevitably occurs. You wouldn't pretend that you didn't have to eat or drink, would you? Yet dying is just another requirement of living.
People used to understand death. It was just another family event. Mothers died in childbirth. Fathers died in industrial accidents. Brothers died in wars. Children died of illness. It touched everyone from an early age, and people generally didn't live long enough to forget about it. It was sad but not frightening. Loved ones ate meals surrounding dead bodies. They lived with the dead for days before burial. Death wasn't a happy occasion but it was normal. Expected. OK.
I'm not suggesting that we stop using funeral homes, but we need to bring that kind of comfort zone into our modern thought process. Our focus has to be on the bigger picture, the continuum of mankind. It's not someone else's issue. It's yours. Be selfish about it; own it.
After you're able to envision your own death without breaking into a cold sweat, you're ready to make some choices so you can have as much control in dying as you have in living.
Taking a little time to imagine the most positive outcome, consistent with your own values and beliefs, will help you be prepared. Make some notes. They don't have to be fancy at first. Just the basics of what you've thought about so far. Put the notes aside for a week or two, then pick them up again. Do it over and over until the shock goes away, until it feels more normal. Until you're ready to talk about it.
My next post will be about how to start the conversation once you're ready. In the meantime, keep thinking about it. Don't be superstitious. Thinking it won't make it happen any faster or slower, but like planning for your taxes, the clearer your picture, the more control you will have.
Janice M. Van Dyck is an award-winning author and freelance writer. Her latest novel, "Finding Frances" (Winston-Higgins Press, April 2010), takes on the tough topic of end-of-life choices.
Zack Cooper: The Case for End-of-Life Care Gets Stronger
Obama to Enact End-of-Life Planning for Medicare - NYTimes.com
without being asked
through no chioce of our own
into a world of plastic and numbers while
we are of mind and bone
They give us all and nothing
knowing it is one in the same
we are expected to heal a society
for which we are not to blame
Everywhere we look is hate and greed
and this we must change
for we are the future seed
So we make up our minds
as to waht really should be
and spread the word
hoping others may see
This we do
without being asked
through a chioce of our own
in a world of plastic and numbers
while we are of mind and bone.
I more or less have had to come to grips recently with my parents dying. When I left for college they still seemed young, but with their family members passing on & them hitting milestones in their age they have more awareness of the fact that they are getting older & they are constantly talking about it. It feels like they are tired & just slowly letting go of life/giving up to nature & I'm trying to respect that. I didn't have the best childhood, & we don't have the best relationship but it hurts an incredible amount to imagine them gone.
We used to all believe in a life after this one. Now, many don't. Yet, if you listen to "near death" experiences, most people experience a peaceful, lovely "next life".
What I have gleaned from studies of experiences of life after this one, is that it is serene, indeed lovely. You have no need to fear. The transition will be pleasant, you will be happy to to go on to another experience, another world.
Try to be a nice person. Try to be positive. Try to contribute to the good in this world. And then, the next will be even better.
In reality, there is such a greater chance that death will arrive because of disease or age or accident than by a bomb or gun. Maybe we as a culture ignore death's true reality and ordinary-ness because we have become so numb to guts and gore and bodies. The real thing shows up, when all this time we thought we'd already 'handled' it!
We did not cruelly prolong his pain. Why do we do it to our beloved family members?
I've got skin cancer, dementia and Parkinson's on my dad's side, stomach and breast cancer, diabetes and OCD on my mom's side.
Basically, I'm effed!
Do you want to be in the company of your family or friends, or do you want solitude? SOLITUDE EXCEPT FOR MY CAT.
Do you want familiar surroundings or doesn't that matter? ANYTHING BUT A HOSPITAL OR HOSPICE. SO, MY TINY APT, NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Do you want to know the truth about whether you're dying, TRUTH!
Do you imagine yourself being peaceful? Afraid? RELIEVED
What role will your religious beliefs play, if any? NONE (and I have religious beliefs)
Will you try everything to stay alive, or do you think there comes a point when it will be O.K. to let your ending come at its own pace? THIS SCARES ME. NO Measures. I've got MY DNR and Medical directive..no family involved!
Do you believe in hastening death if you're terminally ill? ABSOLUTELY (BY CHOICE).
If your body is unable to perform basic functions, do you want technology to keep you alive?NO BLOODY WAY!
How do you define quality of life, and is it important when making life-or-death decisions? I went through many surgeries, aggressive chemo and radiation THEN got complications. I KNOW (for me) I will never do that again. I will allow the disease to take my life, unless I can find a decent doctor who will help me, or move to OR or WA.
As you stated, we all die. The First People saw death as simply moving on.
We have a long way to go but each individual can start by writing out your wishes and having discussions with family about your beliefs. I have done this for myself and I help others to do this as well.
I've thought about it for years and decided freezing is for me-winter, night time, hopefully a beautiful lay
of snow, sub-zero temps, sitting against a tree, out in nature, quietly going to sleep, maybe a little alcohol
to hasten the lowering of the body temperature, and being discovered the next morning. Probably a note
in my pocket to indicate no foul play, just exercising my choice. Having "died" twice before, it will not be
a struggle. But that's all many years off. I'll know when the time is right.
Sadly, people should NOT have to plan suicide that will entail pain. Allow us the kool-aid. Period.
Everyone dies. I fear pain.
About ritually walking out into the subarctic winter,
naked inside the blanket you made with your own hands for this occasion,
with your handmade 'walking into the next world' booties on your feet.
A very cold night (minus thirty or below), no wind, and the aurora overhead.
Your beverage of choice, preferably homemade. And no one looking for you.
Knowing your body will be tenderly collected and safely stored with the other
elders who went walkabout, awaiting the funeral pyre which welcomes spring.
They thought I was dead as they were right behind the car that hit me. (it was jaws of life stuff).
From that point on, swear to gawd, my life has been a horror. BUT, sometimes I honestly wish I HAD simply died in the collission. It didn't hurt. Life hurts.
To me, this is the perfect death.