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Janis Spindel

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Life After Divorce: Pick Up The Pieces By Making New Friends

Posted: 07/26/2012 12:29 pm

Life after divorce can be taxing on anyone, especially if you are unsure about how to pick up the pieces. Many things in your life have dramatically changed, aside from your newly single status. It's likely that most of your friends are still married, and you have little or no way of meeting new people.

The first step to moving on after divorce is it to make new friends, especially new girl friends. They most likely will have awesome guy friends that they can then hook you up with. I am a big believer in networking, and from new women come new circles, and more importantly, new men.

After being a professional matchmaker for over 20 years and meeting thousands of women, I've complied the best places to meet new friends.

The first two places are nail and hair salons. There isn't an easier place to talk to women. All you have to do is feed them a compliment and then start up a conversation. If you're in a nail salon, comment on the nail color the girl at the dryer next to you has on. If you are at a hair salon, tell the girl in the chair next to you how much you love her new highlights/haircut/blow out etc. Once you give them a compliment, chances are you will start gossiping and laughing. Girls like to talk. If you feel that you clicked, there is no harm in saying something like, "There is a really cute new restaurant that has a great lunch menu, we should try it sometime so you can continue to tell me about (add whatever you were talking about here)."

Another place to meet new women is at the gym. This can be done in several different ways. For example, if you are at a yoga class and you see her doing a cool move, ask her about it. Ask her to spot you or to teach you the new ab exercise she is doing. If you're at the gym, you already have something in common -- you like to work out. Working out is so much better with a buddy. Talk about motivation!

Classes are also another way to meet friends after divorce, in addition to being a great way to pick up a new hobby and create a new life for yourself. There are plenty of classes that suit all interests. If you're into food and wine, try a cooking class or a wine tasting class. It doesn't hurt that the knowledge from these classes can help you with a future date! If you are more of the creative type, try painting or drawing lessons -- or even a creative writing class. If you are into fashion, try a jewelry making or interior design class.

Divorcees always encounter the same problem. The married people you used to go out with like to do couple-y things, and you no longer want to. That is exactly why you need to put yourself out there and make new girl friends. They are fun to hang out with, and will also know men to set you up with. Always remember that someone's ex could be your next and someone's trash could be your treasure!

 
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Life after divorce can be taxing on anyone, especially if you are unsure about how to pick up the pieces. Many things in your life have dramatically changed, aside from your newly single status. It's...
Life after divorce can be taxing on anyone, especially if you are unsure about how to pick up the pieces. Many things in your life have dramatically changed, aside from your newly single status. It's...
 
 
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03:43 PM on 07/29/2012
Always remember that someone's ex could be your next and someone's trash could be your treasure! thats ridicolous!! i cant imagine loving men or women comparing to a trash.
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pslcitizen
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
09:41 PM on 07/27/2012
The headline says it all. The best way to move on. But I will pass on other peoples trash...lol.
05:52 PM on 07/27/2012
Having friends is nice, but I enrolled in college instead.
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belldn3
Fascinated by red polish on women
05:15 PM on 07/27/2012
Anywhere, who in the hell is staying married? Nine out of ten don't!
05:11 PM on 07/27/2012
I'm a single dad that gained full custody of our 3 daughters, divorced for 8 years. I think it's an even bigger challenge to find a new companion for a guy in my position. Single guys do not get invited to dinner parties, holiday gatherings or evenings out. And when women I meet find out I'm a single dad with 3 daughters at home any glimmer of interest from them evaporates. Actually, it's more like the deer-in-the-headlights response. My guess is that women in my age group (50s... I started late having children) probably assume that that I'm looking for a new mommy for the girls. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I've raised the girls by myself without any help from anyone. No extended family or trustworthy friends are nearby. I don't want or need a new mommy for the girls. I've handled my parental duties as well as could be expected. I've just thought that it would be nice to have a competent, intelligent and witty companion.
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pslcitizen
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
09:48 PM on 07/27/2012
Yes, that is exactly what some women assume, that you want someone to raise your kids for you. I know it's not right but it's sometimes the case with some men. If I was you I would make that clear right up front. I am raising my sons on my own & have told guys that they have a father, so they don't need to step into that role. It seemed to put them at ease right away. You seem to have your priorities straight, so it's just a matter of meeting that competent, intelligent & witty companion who is secure enough to understand that you have parental responsibilities that have nothing to do with them. That you only want a partner to compliment your life. Some people can't or won't share, so it's not that easy. I know from experience, not to say your like this, but some guys I know with daughters tend to think their 'angels' can't do no wrong & that will sometimes cause stress. One guy I spoke to once couldn't help but call his daughter a 'perfect little princess' in every sentence & I knew it was time for me to get out of there...lol. Good luck.
10:33 AM on 07/29/2012
Thanks for your thoughts. And as far as my little "angels" they're in their teens now and I've been their only parent since they were little. They really are pretty good kids. People compliment me all the time about what great kids they are. But, the truth is about the only time that they are "perfect little princesses" is when they are sleeping. In spite of their loveableness, they have shown their devious sides from time to time, like many teenagers. I remember my teen years... I had a few shining moments of deviousness of my own. Good luck to you too. I like your tag line... there is much wisdom there.
04:27 PM on 07/27/2012
I've been separated for 10 months now and I can happily say that not only do all my married friends gladly go out with me all the time but I have made 8 new friends! One friend is the ex husband of an acquaintance of mine. 2 friends I met in the gym. I had always talked to them but now we go out! 4 friends from a divorce support group, I go out with them together and separately. One is a widow that I knew but not well and she's one of my closest friends now. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it's not where you meet people, it's how you interact with them. This is not a time to be shy if you don't want to be alone. Think of the people you already know but aren't necessarily close with. I knew a woman who was not a friend but I knew she was going through a divorce and when my husband moved out, I went to her house and rang her doorbell and cried on her shoulder for hours. Now we're friends! Get out there people, go hiking or bike riding, it's free.
03:44 PM on 07/27/2012
That's funny because everywhere I go I stumble upon on divorced or single women. Maybe because I live in NYC makes all the difference. I met tons of divorced mothers from my kids school, quite a few live in my building. I guess the city has a very dense concentration of divorced folks.
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SingleMomBooks
Author, The Successful Single Mom book series
11:20 AM on 07/27/2012
Great article! Finding friends after divorce can be challenging for so many reasons, so finding supportive new friends is really important. Attitude is truly important: if you think you won't or can't find new friends, then you're right! Be open, friendly and someone that others will want to befriend.

If you're a single mom or dad, you can join Single Mom & Dad Transformation Program groups (now in Dallas & Austin, soon everywhere). Do a google search for more info.
10:05 AM on 07/27/2012
im tired of being alone after being alone in my marriage for Many years, why would i want more Alone time! the thought of having to enter the dating scene at 48 years of age is overwhelming to me. After raising our kids, the kids are now all out of the house. I havent worked in 20 years so feeling as if having nothing much to offer, its a little difficult. I like the idea of possibly taking a class to meet someone, now I just have to figure out what it is that I would enjoy and be affordable to do with the rest of my life. Thanks for listening to my simple thoughts. And of course there is Much More to this life story. :)
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pslcitizen
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
09:53 PM on 07/27/2012
I think you need to go out in a group instead of trying to find a date. It will make you feel much more connected & prepare you for when your ready to date, if your just wanting company. They have groups like on Meetup.com that has all sorts of interest groups you can join. The members involved varies from singles, married...variety of ages. I went through a marriage like that & it really helped me out a lot. I joined a foodie club where we tried different restaurants. It was lots of fun. Enjoy.
12:51 AM on 07/28/2012
I hope you find something to do that you are passionate about. I am responding as I too am 48 years of age, was married for 26 years, have grown children and had not worked in almost 20 years. I started back at school, enrolled myself in a local University a year and a half ago. I am working on a degree in theatre production and design....I have taken all doors that have opened to me in the past 2 years when my husband walked out. In fact I am working on a horror movie set right now doing special effects (volunteer). Just believe your life has just begun and you CAN start over again!!!
Good luck to you!
Vicky
08:55 AM on 07/27/2012
I think what she said is not true. I have been divorced for a while and I find that it is really hard to meet single people. You will not make a connection in the hair salon or getting your nails done, please that is a dumb idea. As to the gym you can make somekind of connection if you go to the same class all the time. My problem is I am in my 50's and yes there are divorced women but they still have kids that they cart around because they are the ones that are taking care of the kids not the X's and most of my friends are still married so they will only go out with you once or twice a year because they also have busy lives and are still carting their kids around. I have a group I meet with but then 1 gets a boyfriend and you never see them again. The scary thing is more and more of my friends are getting divorced and then they call me to go out. I love it that they wouldn't give me the time of day when they are married but know my number when they get divorced!
10:03 PM on 07/27/2012
LOL, I agree about the hair and nail salon thing. I don;t want to be chatted up while my hair is foils or my feet are being scrubbed. Euw.
08:47 AM on 07/27/2012
You must have money to do all of the activities that you speak of. I just read an article where alimony is frowned upon. If you had no job or job history, where will you get money for those activities? Do you have children and have custody? Do you have money for a baby sitter while you are out with your new acitivities? Life is not so carefree after divorce or break-up.
08:09 PM on 07/26/2012
Yes, friends are so important and have the ability to fill your emotional tank. Try listening instead of talking. Everyone needs to be heard and you'll be appreciated.
10:51 AM on 07/27/2012
You're beautiful!
11:38 AM on 07/27/2012
That's very sweet, thank you!
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Lisa Arends
Author, wellness coach, and teacher
07:30 PM on 07/26/2012
I had to look for alternatives. I don't spend time in nail or hair salons (unless Great Clips counts?) and I frequent the free weight section of the gym, which is heavily populated with (younger) men. I had great success with Meetup.com. I could enjoy activities with others that I wouldn't do alone and I could pick and choose events based on my emotional well-being on a given day. It was a new divorcee's best friend. http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com
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AGirlWithAPlan
It's all in a lifetime!
04:25 PM on 07/26/2012
These ideas are good and are appreciated. Initially, time spent with myself and family was in order for me which allowed me to decompress and reflect. Quiet time. A separation/divorce can take alot out of you. It seemed to be healing too. I enjoyed do things by myself. We all change and evolve over time. Now, looking in the windshield is the direction, not looking in the rear view mirror. All things are possible.
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pslcitizen
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
09:57 PM on 07/27/2012
You have a great attitude! Keep going.