THE BLOG
05/25/2011 03:06 pm ET | Updated Jul 25, 2011

Step By Step

Parents are supposed to be there for their kids right?

Well, for me it's different. I never really had both my mom and dad there for me. It was pretty much my mother playing both the roles of mom and dad. I really love my mom for that. She never really needed my dad's help, help that he never offered. She was hard-working and tried to make my life as easy as possible. Ever since I was a little girl I remember how I use to wake up at 4 a.m. with my mom and walk to my grandmother's house. Sometimes when I could not wipe the sleep from my eyes she would even give me a piggyback ride or take me by the hand slowly.

She worked at 4 a.m. to 5 p.m. I remember I would always cry from waking up so early. Where was my dad you ask? Sleeping until 3 in the afternoon with his new family. I remember being a little girl I'd suffer a lot, but my mom would try her best to make things easy for me. She would drop me off in my grandmother's house, which was 5 long blocks away and kiss me gently on the forehead and tell me she loved me, and this made things better, for a little.

She suffered a lot and I've been with her through almost everything. I used to hate school because at the end of the day all of my friends had their parents. Dads were there with ice cream waiting for them. I envied the kisses the dads gave their daughters while I would take my grandma's hand and walk home. From the age of 4-9 I would see my dad exactly 28 times. As I grew older I started to think, "Wasn't I good enough for him?" Maybe he didn't want me. He would just shower me with presents. Presents didn't make up for twelve long years without a father. I remembered how I would call him to come to my graduation, birthdays, and special celebrations. I remember how he would always stand me up. I used to cry and cry so hard I wouldn't eat, cry so hard that I couldn't sleep. I cried over my worthless father.

My mom would hug me, kiss me, wipe my tears away and ask me why I kept giving him chances. I guess I expected him to fill in all of the years that he missed. He still hasn't, but he's trying. Can I ask for more? The little me has grown, but still yearns for her father and for him to be there throughout all of my special moments. All of my pain is now locked onto my soul. My parents are slowly taking it away, even if it is step by step.