New World Quarter

The Russians and Chinese are both agitating for a new world currency, something to replace the slipping dollar as the earth's reserve legal tender. Medvedev presented a mock-up of trans-national coin to other world leaders at the recent G-8 Summit, and though most of them rejected the idea of globe bucks, they were mesmerized by its shininess and faint whiff of polonium. But we're not sold on just an ordinary, boring old coin as the world's new buck. It's a fresh millennium--why are we using the same technology as the Sumerians? We need a currency with a little zip, a little style, and possibly rhinestones. We contacted several global notables to share their ideas for the currency we'll be shelling out when Putin I, Tzar of Earth, levies his first world tax.

Angelina Jolie: "Babies. Imagine if we valued the children of this world as much as we valued money. Imagine rolling a baby into a vending machine slot and receiving a hot cup of coffee. Or a bank vault stacked floor to ceiling with glorious babies, black babies, white babies, all well-fed and depositing compound interest all over the floor."

Bernard Madoff: "Marlboros."

Sarah Palin: "I would introduce the world to the Maverick, the most independently-minded coin in this gosh-darn god-given world. One day, it might be worth three Reagans. The next, it could decide it was a bottle cap, whatever is best for this country at that moment. And so what if one day it wakes up and decides not to be currency anymore. Maybe it got a book deal. Maybe it wants to be on FOX. It's pretty and shiny, it can do what it wants."

John Ensign: "How about we keep dollars, but we make each one worth $96,000? So my parents gave my mistress one measly buck. BFD."

Bill Gates: "Well, I can't condone switching to a more efficient, stable, and nicer looking currency. We should just stick with what we have, and continuously upgrade its security protocols. My Dollar 8.0 contains 16 silicon chips to prevent counterfeiting, weighs ¾ of a pound, and works in three out of five ATMs. It also comes with a free Canon printer."

Dick Cheney: "Souls. They are cheap and plentiful, and easily reaped. Also "experiments" at Guantanamo proved they can be refined into oil."

Jon Gosselin: "I agree with Angie. Babies. That would solve so many problems."

Barack Obama: "Let me be clear: Invest in Euros."

Comments

[LMPE]

Our new currency should be Wikipedia edits. It's something that everyone knows how to do.