Self-Help From a 2-Year-Old

05/24/2012 11:57 am ET | Updated Jul 24, 2012

  1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father's shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.

  • De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.
  • Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You'll be shocked how much better you feel.
  • Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You're welcome.
  • If you're feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat's face.
  • Don't ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they're on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don't have to be in pain!
  • Socks are poison. Trust me, don't wear them! Happiness will soon follow!
  • Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!
  • If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.
  • Quick thrills fuel the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It's AwWwWwEsOmE.
  • Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y'all! Never stop seizing stuff.
  • Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.
  • This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It's surreal.
  • Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn't. Not that I'm aware of at least.
  • If you're gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.
  • I've seen God, and his name is iPad. Let us pray.
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