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Jason Kitchen
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Jason Kitchen is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles. He can be reached at splendidisolation@me.com

Entries by Jason Kitchen

Notes on a Kidney Stone: Hug Your Mothers

(2) Comments | Posted November 5, 2013 | 4:34 PM

Thomas Jefferson wrote, "The art of life is the art of avoiding pain." I couldn't agree more. I'm not cut out for pain, suffering, nuisance -- really anything that might damper glee or merriment. This is why, when I recently discovered I had a kidney stone by virtue of excruciating...

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How Ted Nugent Can Fulfill His Promise (and Help Detroit)

(1) Comments | Posted August 21, 2013 | 1:39 PM

In April of 2012, Detroit native and master of the incendiary sound bite, Ted Nugent, stood before a crowd of NRA members and stated, "If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. Why are you laughing?...

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Obama Implores Snowden's Neck Mole to Become NSA Mole

(0) Comments | Posted July 8, 2013 | 8:25 PM

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A brainstorming session with top intelligence officials has spawned a proverbial 'Aha! moment' that the Obama administration hopes will lead to the arrest and extradition of NSA whistleblower/bulwark of civil liberties, Edward Snowden.

Baffled, out of ideas, and extremely disappointed with...

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'NRA Psychosis' Should Be Classified as a Legitimate Mental Disorder

(43) Comments | Posted May 30, 2013 | 12:33 PM

The latest version of the American Psychological Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders -- DSM-5 -- has been released. Regarded as the "bible of psychiatry" and a must-read for hypochondriacs, the DSM-5 includes diagnoses for newly recognized disorders including: binge eating (had Chris Christie delayed the lap-band surgery,...

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An Open Letter to Victoria Jackson: If You Want a 'White History Month' You'll Have to Earn It

(22) Comments | Posted February 6, 2013 | 6:31 PM

Former Saturday Night Live alum, Victoria Jackson, penned an essay last week pondering the philosophical conundrum: "Why is there a Black History Month but not a White History Month?" As a de facto mouthpiece for the plight of the oppressed white race, she went on to lament "I'm...

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Baby Names in a Celebrity-Obsessed Culture

(6) Comments | Posted January 16, 2013 | 2:43 PM

The announcement of Kate Middleton's pregnancy caused millions of celebrity-obsessed adults to suddenly focus on the well-being of a royal fetus, while said adults' children -- too young (and sensible) to care -- jockeyed for scraps of attention, and perhaps sustenance. And so goes the modern age of celebrity-fixation, where...

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Robocalls: Defying Logic By Continuing to Exist

(2) Comments | Posted November 4, 2012 | 3:53 PM

If you own a telephone it's highly likely that you have been bombarded by political robocalls over the past several months. And as the election nears, you may be noticing that you are quite popular, as your robocall frequency increases with each passing day. But it's not the sort of...

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Hunting Season in the Great State of Michigan (and Why I Just Don't Get It)

(6) Comments | Posted October 2, 2012 | 4:04 PM

October 1st marked the opening day of deer hunting season in my home state of Michigan, a pastime that has a devoted following rivaled only by the likes of Elvis and Jesus. Every year since I can remember I've grappled with why this so-called sport is such a fascination and...

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Not Your Typical Job Seeking Experiment: An Open Letter to SNL's Lorne Michaels

(1) Comments | Posted June 25, 2012 | 1:23 PM

The volatile economy and high unemployment rate has necessitated job seekers to tap into their creativity to find work. In December, Occupy Wall Street protestor Tracy Postert decided to take a more proactive approach to her job search by wearing a large sign listing her professional qualifications and handing out...

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Why Holiday Shopping at IKEA Equals a Glimpse Into Purgatory

(4) Comments | Posted December 19, 2011 | 8:04 PM

It is important to preface the following diatribe against IKEA with an acknowledgement: it's not you (IKEA), it's me. It has to be my personal problem, because otherwise I would not find myself in the most infinitesimal of minorities by despising IKEA with passion. This piece will have no negative...

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Newsweek's Cover Photo Does Not Imply Michele Bachmann is Crazy...

(14) Comments | Posted August 12, 2011 | 1:57 PM

...her words, however, do.

Photo-op for the Photogenic:

The cover photo of a wide-eyed, seemingly dumbstruck Bachmann is less-than-flattering. Debating the contrary would be arduous and futile, as the Minnesota Representative is not typically photogenically challenged. Moreover, it stands to reason that a more becoming photo...

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Who Wants to Be a Congressperson When They Grow Up?

(29) Comments | Posted August 3, 2011 | 2:37 PM

You may not have the debt ceiling debacle on your radar. You could be completely oblivious to its existence. You may not even be privy to the definition of 'debt' or currently occupy a dwelling equipped with a 'ceiling.' Regardless, you might be (over) qualified to serve as one of...

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To My Dearest Mumsy: Thank You for Not Being a 'Tiger Mother'

(0) Comments | Posted January 28, 2011 | 6:24 PM

Reader's Caveat: The following is slightly sappy and often overwrought. It is, however, also a belated Christmas gift for my mother, as all I gave her this year was a Kindle.

Tiger Mama:

Self-proclaimed "Tiger Mother," Amy Chua, has received a great deal of attention recently. Her brand of...

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Jimmy Kimmel's "National Unfriend Day"... Imagine the Possibilities

(0) Comments | Posted November 18, 2010 | 6:48 PM

Comedian/talk show host, Jimmy Kimmel, declared November 17th "National Unfriend Day." The premise of this savvy declaration entails an opportunity for Facebook users to carefully examine their likely bloated list of "friends" and glean the proverbial dead-weight wherever possible (a seemingly painless task that, in reality, can include pitfalls galore)....

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When Pondering Life's Greatest Questions, Look no Further Than Yahoo!

(0) Comments | Posted October 15, 2010 | 5:10 PM

There was a time when the Yahoo! website was primarily a search engine (either the poor-man's Google or Google's quasi-predecessor, depending on your perception). Today, however, the site provides opportunities for everything from getting a date, to finding a job, to checking one's horoscope. It's one-stop shopping for a particular...

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Utah's Archaic Brand of Capital Punishment

(10) Comments | Posted July 8, 2010 | 6:43 PM

Mark Twain once famously quipped, "I want to be in Kentucky when the end of the world comes, because it's always 20 years behind." Perhaps he hadn't previously graced the great state of Utah with his presence. For in Utah, not only is the prevalence of polygamy inverse to the...

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Why the Health Care Bill Could be a Big F***ing Deal

(10) Comments | Posted April 2, 2010 | 1:53 PM

A Story Like That Has to be True:

Shortly after the health care reform bill was passed, while strolling along a random Manhattan street, a dear friend (who also happens to be a staunch conservative and well-connected within Republican circles) accosted me in a state of panic. He proceeded to...

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The Most Fascinating Two Minutes on Television Courtesy of Jeopardy!

(3) Comments | Posted March 1, 2010 | 11:51 AM

For those of you who feel a "game show" (a relatively loose term in the modern world) isn't worth watching unless there is some chance of scandalous drama transpiring, it's safe to say that Jeopardy! is not your perception of appointment television. Jeopardy! isn't quite as sexy as scantily clad...

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What We Ought to Be Posting on Facebook

(6) Comments | Posted February 19, 2010 | 10:15 AM

The following will almost certainly cause my already paltry list of Facebook friends -- I created an account a few months ago out of sheer, morbid curiosity -- to essentially vanish. So be it, but before rounding up a posse and proceeding to burn me at the stake, it should...

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What's So Wrong with Ohio State University?

(16) Comments | Posted February 5, 2010 | 2:09 PM


Dear Ohio State: Drop the "The"

This Sunday, as nearly 100 million Americans tune in to the Super Bowl, CBS will likely utilize a popular procedure for introducing the starting lineups, with each player stating his name and then his alma mater. Peculiarly, when Will Smith of the...

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