Lessons in Loving While My Father Was Dying

Fifteen years ago at my grandmother's funeral was the last time I saw my dad. Two weeks ago I was standing in front of him face to face. It wasn't the visit I had hoped for. He had departed his body 3 days earlier, and I was in attendance at his funeral. As I looked at my dad's lifeless body I said goodbye in my mind as a deep sense of love, gratitude, and amazement, mixed with the grief that comes from not wanting to let go, swept over me.

The gratitude and amazement were directly related to the journey of resolution and healing I began with my father nine months ago. Last November I heeded the call to heal and resolve what had essentially been thirty years of an estranged relationship. Thirty years ago my mom and dad split up. The catalyst was a torrid affair he chose not to end. So, my mother changed the locks and put his stuff on the porch. It was a terrifying time. My dad's business went bankrupt and my mother was left with very little resources to take care of me and my two brothers. She went on welfare and within a couple of years got back to work and was able to keep our home. I did have interaction with my father that was always strained and cold, at least until high school. The truth is, he and his wife embarrassed me. I internalized all of the judgments my mother had passed, who largely remained embittered and cynical about the situation until she died in 2003. They were uneducated, lacked any sort of style, class, were essentially socially inept, and of course, my father was a "no good_____," you fill in the blank.

Regardless, ten years ago, while living in San Francisco, I began the process of healing my relationship with him on a mental level. At that time standing in a bar in the Castro with beer in hand, and shockingly loud dance music that you had to scream over, a friend asked, "WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER LIKE?!" My response, "I DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER!" In that moment something shifted. I immediately realized that I did indeed have a relationship with my father. I knew in that moment that I had a choice to make, and I did. I knew that not only was "I don't have a relationship with my father," the description of my "relationship" with my father, but also that I could choose the relationship that I desired.

As a result of this realization I began the process of reconnecting with my father and even moving into forgiveness. Six months earlier my father learned from an uninvited source that me and my twin brother are gay. My father wasn't happy with this discovery and at one point on a birthday had the audacity to suggest that I consider "homo-reparative" therapy. I said to my dad, "Dad, it's my birthday. We can end this conversation now and never speak again, or you can wish me a happy birthday." He wished me a happy birthday. Our relationship continued strained, with a phone call every few months at most. After my mother died in 2003 I decided, again, that I would attempt to repair my relationship with my only living parent, and continued infrequent, superficial, yet cordial phone calls.

Nine months ago I realized that my movement towards resolution over those years was a process of going through the motions, in which I had not let go of all my old judgments and misinterpretations. I had yet to fully embraced my father in my heart. There was more work to do. So, my intention embarking upon this journey nine months ago was to resolve the past and learn to love my father.

I had no idea last November when I made the call with this intention that he had just been diagnosed with Liver Cancer. You might say my timing was uncanny. I executed a full on action plan to heal my relationship with him and nurture him from afar. It included daily prayers, and visualizations in alignment with my desired outcome. It included weekly calls and e-mails keeping him abreast of what was happening in my life. It included doing deep emotional work to resolve all of the old judgments and beliefs that I had bought into many years ago.

At moments I found myself feeling resentful. I resented that I was finally moving into a more loving relationship with my dad at a time when every conversation we had was about the latest trip to his oncologist, the latest diagnosis on whether or not this cancer battle would be won, and the recent hellacious, treatment side effects. I found myself asking, "When do I get to have a father? Why am I the one doing the nurturing here?" An answer came quickly, and I realized I was being given an opportunity to act in alignment with the level of emotional and spiritual maturity I had realized since my mother's death six years earlier. I was being given an opportunity to fully reside in self-loving and understand that in order to effectively nurture another I must deeply nurture myself.

My dad opted for a year-long oral chemotherapy treatment that had killer side effects. One month ago he was rushed back to the hospital to discover the cancer spread to his lungs. The doctors made it clear, "There is nothing more we could do." When these words landed on my ears from my brother's mouth 3000k miles away my body leaped into survival mode. My heart began racing and sweat began to ooze from my pores. I thought to myself, "Who makes these decisions?" "There is nothing more we can do." I had heard these words six years prior when my mother died and we were forced to make the choice to remove her life support. I began asking, "What do you mean? How can this be? This isn't right! This is wrong! He is a young man (69)! What do you mean there is nothing more we can do? He just has to die?!? This can't be!" I am not sure exactly who I thought I was being in that moment, suggesting that I had the power to say what could and couldn't be in regards to my dad's death. I realized quickly that this was my ego's grand attempt at control. It also dawned on me that in my experience of death it is this initial loss of ego control that is perhaps the greatest cause of the pain that is experienced upon losing a loved one. I have learned from some of my greatest teachers that suffering is actually the sum of pain times resistance (suffering=pain x resistance). In this context it is the ego's resistance to letting go of control rather than accepting the painful circumstance that yields suffering.

My dad on the other hand was a fine example of ease and grace as he went through this experience. Less than two weeks after being sent home with the message, "There is nothing more we can do," he expired his body. I am faithful that although he could have easily been around for another 6 months or more that he and spirit conspired to ease his suffering and the suffering of his loved ones by "checking out," before his cancer reared an even uglier head.

My dad lived a humble existence. For many years I judged the fact that he never made a lot of money and left my mother on welfare. I didn't know at that time that all of the events of my past were brought into my reality to teach lessons that were meant uniquely for me. I am grateful for the lessons I have received through my father's willingness to play his role perfectly in my life. Some of the lessons include turning inward to know the boundless love that exists for me inside. When I realized the loving that resides within me I then realized that it is not possible for a parent to not love a child. The simple act of conception itself is a divine act made of loving. In this realization, for what felt like the first time, in my heart I came to embrace My Father.

After fifteen years I decided I would go see him. Prior to my trip a colleague asked, "When you visit, what would you like him to say to you?" Through tears I answered, "I want him to say, 'I am proud of you.'" I thought I would make it while he was still living. Alas, that was not what spirit had in store for me. However, after my last conversation with him, while he was still in the hospital, he was fairly coherent, and asked, "What are you up to?" I shared some significant accomplishments with him that were going on at the time. He responded, "I am proud of you." That was the last conversation I had with my father alive.

Please share you comments - how has your experience of going through the dying process with someone expanded your consciousness or brought you into expanded loving.

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Comments

[Leandro Pucci]

Jason,
Thank you for sharing this experience. I hope you have reached that closure and you are in peace.
It is amazing to me to see how many of us go through the same stuff!
I often think about my own unresolved issues with my parents..

[Lisa Guest - Huffpost Blogger]

Such depth! So appreciative! Thank you. I'm spending lots of time with my folks as they get on up there in years... I know I'm blessed to have their presence and spirit so close and caring. My father lost his father early, and then lost his son, my brother too young. My father's heart seems so closed and protective, so shut down from true feeling and authentic emotions. There are the jokes and all the different ways to avoid feeling, healing, being that deepest truth.

You are a man, a profound healer and I'm grateful to have read this today!

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks Lisa for your warmth and kind words. Keep flowing in love especially with the gift of your parents.

Take care!
Jason

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dearest Jason,
What a heartfelt blessing you shared with us. The tenderness and authenticity of your post touched and awakened my heart. My prayers are with you and your family.

Life and loving are so profoundly precious. I see each of your posts standing up tall and raising the flag for loving. Certainly, you are the sort of son any and every father would be proud of. I am so glad that you got to have him confirm verbally, what he must have felt in his heart for so many years.

PS I am proud to be your friend.

I AM PROUD OF YOU.

All My Love,
Eli Daivdson

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

What a beautiful message from you. I appreciate it deeply. One thing I didn't share in the article is the realization of how silly it is to hold onto old "stuff" for so long. I have learned too how truly precious life and love really is.

I leave on Wednesday to go to my grandmother's funeral who passed this weekend. In the lineage of parens/grandparents me and my brothers are now at the top of the line of those who are living, and I am feeling and even deeper call to take a profound bold stand for love in this world.

Love you,
Jason

[chrisgilmore]

Jason, another beautiful piece spoken from that wonderful source deep within your soul center. Your story reinforces what I have come to understand in my ever evolving relationship with my own parents, my father transitioned, my mother still with us, that we in life somehow download the myth that our parents are supposed to give us everything we need to find out who we are ... that everything that is wrong in our lives (or, rather everything we perceive is wrong in our lives) is a direct result of the gifts one or both of our parents did not give us. I often ask my friends struggling with parent relationships (and most of them are) the ultimate question ... that thing you believe he/she/they did not give you - did they ever have it to give? And it never ceases to amaze me the liberation I get to witness as they formulate their response which is always a powerful yet reluctant "no". If they never had it to give, if it was never on the shelves, then who benefits by your being angry? I have come to learn, as another blogger comments above, that conception is gift enough itself, enough to overshadow any shortcomings a parent's unique and separate journey may have brought to our lives. And the real truth is that these shortcomings, these gifts not given, are actually the greatest gifts our parents give us. Namaste. cg

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Chris,

Thanks so much for your beautiful words, and input here. In response to what you put forth, I'd like to suggest considering that "when we don't get what we though we should have gotten from our parents" that from what I have learned, that in and of itself is "the gift". That is what leads even more deeply into our authenticity when we are brave enough to take on a role as a "spiritual warrior" and go more deeply into our hearts for the resources we seek outside either from our parents or anywhere else.

Namaste,
Jason

[CR46]

Jason,
Though you and your Dad my not have always understood each other ( and I wish he had been more openly accepting of you) never doubt that a parent loves their child deeply. I am happy that at the end you connected and I'm sure your Dad felt it too. Thank you for sharing your story that love is not always easy, that sometimes it;s hard--but that doesn't mean the love is not there. I know the loss of a parent at any age is a tremendous loss, let yourself grieve, let yourself cry, let yourself laugh about forgotten memories from your childhood. And finally let yourself be accepting of your Dads failure to accept all parts of you...parents are not infallible and sometimes we forget that.
My wishes for many happy and wonderful years in your future :) Be strong and live long

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Wonderful Jason- touching and moving blog. It brings up so much for me.

When Deb and I were on our honeymoon we were in India at the Bihar School of Yoga with my teacher Paramhamsa Swami Satyananda who I trained with many years before.

I brought Deb to meet him. When there I received a message that my father wasn't well and to call home. I had to travel to Calcutta by train about a day away as I was in a small far away plave called Mongyhr.

I discovered he had his leg amputated. We then were in New Zealand when i found our he had his other leg amputated. When we finally got back to England to be with Deb's mum he died.

What to say,

Peace,

Ed

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Hey, Ed

Thanks for sharing! Wow, that was a challenging time. How did you process? If you don't mind sharing.

I know for sure many can benefit from hearing that, and you are such a great story teller.

Love and peace
Jason

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Jason.
I am speechless.
That was one of the most moving, intense and beautiful pieces of writing I have read in a long time.
There are no adequate words.

As someone who is also estranged from my father, this story is particularly poignant for me. I am so sorry for your loss, so impressed with your wisdom and insight, and so proud of your courage.

What a teacher and a healer you really are. A man who walks his talk is hard to find.
I am also proud to be your fan!
Kari

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Kari:

I am so moved by your response. Thank you! If I can offer any words of encouragement and support for you and you dad, let me know! :-)

Light and love to you
Jason

[factotem]

My father is in decline currently and he is from that same uncommunicative generation , etc. I see no reason to lead him through the now de rigeur psycho-journey to feel better about our relationship. My disinclination towards reconciliation has nothing to due with obstinacy on my part. It's just been easier to disconnect. He's never been abl to hold a conversation of any substance wth me. I hope I am never like him; dead decades before he actually dies.

And divorce is overstated as a trauma. Miserable people staying married is just a different nightmare.

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Factotem:

I have to say also that although my dad did respond to some of my more in depth questions we never really had what I would call a conversation of deep substance. My process was so much more about me and my journey and less about his engagement in the journey.

What's my point. My point is it is possible to do your own healing with your father independent of his process. The judgments/­misinterpr­etations that I let go of I didn't involve him with at all. My willingness to reside more in loving with him was a choice I made, I never even shared with him what my intentions/journey was.

Just some food for thought.

I respect your process.

Take care!
Jason

[Suzie Heumann - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you Jason for your journey and this story of redemption and love, big love.
I hope that your own life continues to have love and caring be center-front.
It is exemplary that you have healed yourself and helped to heal the many people who have heard and read your story.
Continued:

[Suzie Heumann - Huffpost Blogger]

From above:
I have almost an opposite story. I got to be very present with my father at his death.
I had/have a wonderful, close big family. My father passed away almost 10 years ago at 88. I am the oldest of 4 and he used to tell me how he held me and rocked me the first year of my life. Many years ago, long before he had a heart attack and passed, I had a vivid scene cross my mind (during a Peruvian Shamanic medicine journey) of me returning the favor by holding my father in my arms. I couldn't make much sense of it then except to think 'what a wonderful idea' and thank him in my minds eye. When he had his heart attack the doctors were inconclusive as to whether he was brain-dead or not so it took them 2 days to decide that he was. the decision was made to un-plug him and at that exact moment I remembered my vision of holding him. I scooped him up into my arms automatically and held him with my left hand on his heart and my right hand supporting his head for 45 minutes until he completely passed away.
It has and still does cause me to have wonderment at the universal spirit that infuses us all.

Blessings

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

wow, what an amazing story. bless you for sharing that. It is so inspiring. I did have the opportunity to be with my mom when we had to make the decision to pull her treatment.I couldn't hold her but I sat with her, held her hand, and let her know that it was ok to go. How fortunate we are to have had these opportunities.

Love and light to you!
Jason

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear, dear Jason,

Beautiful, beautiful piece, Jason. That beauty can come out of sadness and pain is abundantly clear from what you created here, and what your father created, from his part. What a blessing for each of you, and for us.

Regarding your request for stories, I'm afraid I've been through so many losses from childhood on that it would spill over the page. Suffice it to say that they have been my compost for an ongoing, growing garden.

You are in my heart, Jason. So is your father. Love all around,
Cara

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara:

Thanks so much for your loving support. It's so appreciated. And yes, I've learned to turn sadness in pain into growth and beauty. What else is there, really? I got that lesson when my mom died 6 years ago.

Love to you
Jason

[Arithrianos]

So much wisdom in one blog, i think i am getting a head rush ;) Thank you so much for your story, it all rings so true. I also have a dad who divorced my mom, he had another family at the time, and i was six or seven. He did try very hard to keep connected with us kids, but still i was devestated and crippled until i found that unlimited love inside about age 22. What a difference letting go of resistance has made, now i can see how pathetic and worthy of compassion my father, as well as those crippled by greed are, they are hungry ghosts, never satisfied with what is, always wanting more. Really now i love him but cannot really seem to help him, since our society reinforces the notion that greed is good, and he is still so trapped in that suffering. I think he is on his sixth wife now, i have lost track. I don't think i will grieve for him though when his body dies, i haven't grieved for anyone, it is just so much easier to let them go than to work up grief, and so much more pleasant.

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

wow, amazing story, thank you for sharing. A word of support if I may...the truth is your father doesn't need help, he needs to be exactly where his with what he is going through to receive whatever lessons are meant in this life, and when you stay in the loving through all of that, as you have clearly demonstrated you get to live with deep ease and grace! Woohoo, what a celebration for you!

take care!
Jason

[Arithrianos]

You are right about him being where he is for a reason, but i can "help" people by letting them help themselves the only way they can, by dropping the automatic scripts of ego and becoming aware of their own thoughts and speech. I am only an amateur at this, the pros are people like Chogyam Trungpa R., Bill Hicks, Andy that guy from taxi, and others of course, i can't think right now, but there are many masters of space out there. An example of me trying to help is when my dad said he didn't care if i was as successful as Bill Gates, and i said i had no reason to believe bill gates was successful, not because i care about Gates, he is on his own path, but because he was on that material suceess is the only success script, and i just wanted to show that not everyone cares about that meaningless stuff.

[athenasword]

What a bitter-sweet story. Thank you for sharing about your journey with your Dad.

Even if we are not close to our parents, all of the relationships in our lives are in some way shaped or definined by our relationship with our parents. These are often the hardest relationships of our lives. Yet, when we do the work to strengthen or heal them, the lessons are so powerful and the healing is profound. It is never too late to admire, accept, forgive or love our parents.

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Athenasword:

I absolutely agree, I believe all of our relationships take their unique forms because they each have something special to teach us. I realize I learned as much from my mom being physically present as my dad being physically absent.

It's amazing!

Thanks for sharing in this dialogue.

Take care!
Jason

[cvalmy]

Many things in your story parallel mine, and undoubtedly that of many others. Like you, I am most appreciative for the gift that parents are in our lives, and for the space that they created for us to grow. Because we are of them, when we accept and forgive ourselves, and set about choosing love, we hold them differently as well. I was fortunate to have recreated the relationship with my father a few years before his death, and was with him during the final two weeks of his life. Like you, I was also fortunate to have him say in his last few days that he was proud of who I had become. And it had nothing to do with anything that I had accomplished or done; as you know, he meant it about who I was being. And that was all the validation I could ever have wanted about my own choice to self-accept; and who I am as a father - a neighbor - a being in this world.

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow, your story is beautiful and inspiring thank you for sharing. And than you for being a beacon of light and loving!

Jason

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Jason,

I am definitely your fan and I AM PROUD OF YOU!

Your courage to tell this story is exemplary. This is your Hero's Journey and what a Brave Heart you are!
You have turned lead into gold and we are so fortunate to have you as a role model of what is possible.

I always knew you were "special". It comes right off the page. Now that I know more about who you are and what a mighty spirit you are, I feel blessed to be your fan.

Abundant Love to you,
Judith

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow, Judith

I am so moved by your supportive, loving words. I am grateful for you!

Love,
Jason