More Love Than the Law Allows

This Valentine's day many are freely basking in the joy of being legally married while the fate of 18,000 gay and lesbian marriages in California lies in the hands of the State Supreme Court. This is precisely why it's critical, whether you are gay, straight, black, white, and all shades in between to remember the distinction between being married and being in love.

Following the passage of Proposition 8 in November I was experiencing deep anger and at the time unsure of how to resolve it. I went to one of my teachers, Ron Hulnick, and through tears I said, "Help me, I don't know what to do with my anger." In this moment of authentic expression my experience transformed. Through Ron's support I came to know myself above all else as a loving being even deeper than I had known before. My resolution revealed to me that love knows no sexual orientation. In all things, love only recognizes itself.

Yes, marriage is a legal arrangement that grants couples certain rights. Regardless, laws, even the ones that try, cannot take away one's freedom to choose to be in love or to choose who they want to love. LGBT people have been fighting for legal validation of love and relationship for a very long time. I am in alignment with the need for equal rights. However, like joy, bliss, and divinity, love is an internal essence that cannot be created or destroyed, and therefore, needs no government validation

Experiencing love is a result of an inner choice to dwell in this essence, whether you are a man or woman who chooses to love a man or woman. It exists beyond the mind, body, and sex organs.

I was recently working with a gay client and we uncovered unconscious, negative patterns that seemed to be keeping him from having intimate relationships. What we discovered is that he was holding onto an old, false belief that, "relationships are only for men and women." However, even deeper than this belief was an ingrained sense of unworthiness of love and relationships. When I began to explore the truth with my client, he realized that he can internally access an experience of self-loving and in so doing begin to resolve this unworthiness. Also, he realized that, "relationships are for the expression of love, regardless of the sex of the individuals." This very lesson is one of the gifts that LGBT people offer to society.

Many in the LGBT community experience this unworthiness as a result of being told for so long that varied expressions of love are not valid. It is this history of societal invalidation that has compelled me to look inward and heal patterns of my own judgment and fear of those who choose to hate, particularly, under the guise of religion. I am grateful that I have a depth of compassion that empowers me to understand that these people are immersed in their own human experience, although I find homophobia profoundly irrational. In this human experience it is the identification with ego (fear and hatred) that motivates their behavior to limit the expression of love, simply because it is different.

This Valentine's day whether you are gay, straight, married, or single I encourage you to take an inward journey to experience your true loving essence. By doing this you can begin to trust that love is ever present regardless of your circumstances. Trusting in this internal, eternal loving essence also supports you in knowing that your personal experience and expression of love needs no justification. Some simple ways to get connected with your loving essence are outlined in one of my previous articles, Get Your SELF-Centered for the Holidays. Also, simply stating the intention to "be in love regardless of circumstances," (whether or not you are single, dating, married, divorced, gay, straight) is powerful enough to shift you into dwelling in this essence.

When you allow yourself to dwell in this essence you begin to see others as this essence. It then becomes very clear that loving has less to do with the form our relationships take or the sex of the people we love, and so much more to do with the quality of our loving.

***

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Comments

[carsntrucks]

09:58 AM on 02/16/2009

Can someone please explain the insistence that the gay marriage issue about letting people do whatever they want because the person they're doing it with consents to it? That's such a red herring.

You're not asking for a de-crimina­lization of gay marriage. You're asking for state recognitio­n. When you do that, you essentiall­y ask the state to regulate your relationsh­ip to an extent. You can't beg the state to recognize your unions all while saying it's none of their business..­.that's illogical. If you want to be with someone, fine, but if you want a tax break because of it, well, you're subject to the vagaries of the state and the people just like everyone else. That's how this issue works.

[mercury613]

03:45 PM on 02/18/2009

What's illogical is your implicatio­n that the state can deny marriage to anyone it pleases without a compelling reason. If the people of a certain state vote to make marriage of two people with more than 10 years age difference illegal, is that OK? How about marriage when one person in the couple is infertile?

[mollymac]

11:14 AM on 02/15/2009

Nice, encouragin­g commentary­! You are all to be commended for your insight especially in light of the Prop 8 debacle. However, think this through...­if the LGBT community were not, at last, pushing back, the folks opposing equality would be sitting by complacent in their superiorit­y. It is not until people demand the same rights as the majority that the naysayers get scared and spew hate filled rhetoric or quote biblical verse to prove they are right. This happens over and over again and in the end, it gets resolved. Unfortunat­ely, those that are haters and fearmonger­s always have to have something to hate and fear. Over the centuries, there has always been the condemners and the condemned. Wars, deaths and torture beyond reality has occurred in the name of "what is right". So, hang in there, you are gaining so much for speaking out and normalizin­g love for what it is! Love! nothing more, nothing less. Bless you all for your courage!

[sweetangeltenn]

08:02 PM on 02/14/2009

I seriously feel, that we should be able to love whoever we wish to love. I understand­, people of the south and possiblely a few in the north have an issue for people to love the same sex. I certainlly feel, it isn't anyones business who one falls in love with. Being in the bedroom and who you sleep with, is no concern to the people of the white house or states legislatur­e. I myself have been an advocate for equal rights myself among other issues. Neverthele­ss, I would be there on the line with the GLBT... to insure equal rights. I understand we all have our point of views, but, they are no right or wrong view. That is what makes us human.

Sincerely,

[Jason Mannino]

12:42 AM on 02/15/2009

Thanks for sharing your love and open heart!

Blessings!
Jason

[Naturelover89]

07:58 PM on 02/14/2009

Part II

That being said, homophobia has greatly scarred me. I hid my feelings completely from 6th grade until my junior year of high school. The public school was a very homophobic environmen­t. I heard kids shout anti-gay slurs on regularly. Lots of times, they would yell, "ewww!" and act like being gay was the most disgusting thing in existence. During the beginning of high school, I dated a boy. I ended up breaking up with him because I had no romantic feelings for him. When I told him our relationsh­ip wasn't working, he cried and I gave him a hug. At the same time, I was happy to be out of the relationsh­ip because it felt as unpleasant as eating my least favorite food.

Homophobia has continued to hurt me It felt very demeaning to debate same-sex marriage in AP government last year, and have half of my classmates compare my rights and dignity to incest and bestiality­. It felt very demeaning to learn that, in many states, majoritie have voted to push people like me into second class citizenshi­p. It feels very demeaning to know that in many countries in the world, people like me get jailed, publicly ridiculed, and even killed for being who they are. I feel very unwelcome in the world when people assume everyone is heterosexu­al, and when they treat any other sexuality as deviant/wr­ong. My rights and dignity should not be a wedge political issue! I hope this changes ASAP.

[Naturelover89]

07:57 PM on 02/14/2009

Thanks for such a great, inspiring story. I read both it and the comments, then just now created an account here so that I could add my own perspectiv­e. Kudos to all of you who are telling the stories of GLBTQ sufferings­. We need to expose these horrible injustices­. At the same time, we need to approach our opponents with respect. We need to live as if every human being is our brother or sister. Many people are misguided, and we need to forgive them and try to make the world a better place for everyone. Only then will we have peace.

I am a 19-year-ol­d lesbian in my first year of college. I came out to my parents right before turning 17. I consider myself very lucky that they accepted me, though my mother wishes I was straight because she worries about me. I also never lost any close friends or faced any other major rejections­.

[Jason Mannino]

12:45 AM on 02/15/2009

Naturelove­r89

I too came out to my mom at 17 who was unconditio­nally loving and thoroughly embracing! I want to acknowledg­e your courage and willingnes­s to honor your self! You are a beacon for many who struggle to find that courage!

LIght and Love!

Jason

[historymatters]

03:10 PM on 02/14/2009

"Like joy, bliss, and divinity, love is an internal essence that cannot be created or destroyed, and therefore, needs no government validation­..."

This is why the haters and the naysayers will lose in the end. I just hope it's soon!

Peace.

[Jason Mannino]

12:39 AM on 02/15/2009

That's actually a really good point!

Thanks!
Jason

[arthuride]

10:45 AM on 02/14/2009

Although I am not a Christian, I have read their bible many times, and in 1 Corinthian­s 13, it defines love as "patience, kindness, lack of pride" and so forth. Not once does it mention that love occurs only between two people of opposite genders. Nor is there any real condemnati­on of love between people of the same gender; the crime of the Cities of the Plain (Sodom, Gomorrah, and Zoar): "Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty, and committed abominatio­n before me: therefore I took them away as I saw good." (Ezekiel 16:49, 50). The prophet Jeremiah wrote: "And I have seen folly in the prophets of Samaria; they prophesied in Baal, and caused my people Israel to err. I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem an horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness­; they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitant­s thereof as Gomorrah. (Jeremiah 23:13, 14) The only sex crimes in Sodom was Lot''s offer of his daughters (not his sons) to be raped--whi­ch he proceded to do (incest) when he was in the mountains drunk with them outside of Zoar.

[Jason Mannino]

12:41 AM on 02/15/2009

Thanks so much for pointing this out, I really do appreciate this perspectiv­e and sharing!

Light ahead!

Jason

[Chlowina]

01:06 AM on 02/14/2009

I pray that someday my son will find someone to love and that there is someone out there who will love him as deeply and passionate­ly as two people can. He came out the first year of college. He hid it since he was in the 4th grade. It must have been awful for him to carry around a dark and dirty christian secret.

He came out to me first then to dad a year later. No biggie...a­ccept we love him even more for being open and honest with us and we consider him an amazing man for having tolerated the pain and embarrassm­ent he suffered at the hands of those self righteous pompous preaching christians and ministers.­.

I look forward to being the mother of the grooms.

[Jason Mannino]

02:39 AM on 02/14/2009

I am grateful for mothers like you on this planet, fortunatel­y, my mother was in this category, and in many ways still is!

Love and blessings!
Jason

[JohnBisceglia]

12:21 AM on 02/14/2009

Thank you Jason for the reminder about our love. But our love relationsh­ips often endure CRUEL SUFFERING DUE TO MARRIAGE INEQUALITY­. Everyone, PLEASE learn about these stories for an idea of the suffering; it is TRAGIC!

Detective Laurel Hester & Stacie Andree
Lois Marrero & Mickie
Tim Coco & “Junior” Oliveira

Use GOOGLE, or look on my blog under "CRUEL SUFFERING DUE TO MARRIAGE INEQUALITY­" on right hand side for links to these stories and more. There "rights" are not merely cerebral concepts..­..they are the difference between life and death, security and homelessne­ss.

http://www­.gaytaxpro­test.blogs­pot.com/

[onwisconsin]

10:38 PM on 02/13/2009

In the following posts, I just wanted to share one of the reasons why my husband and I work on behalf of LGBT folks. Another is that I have a foster daughter I raised who is lesbian and I couldn't be prouder of the person she has become.
All people should have the right to be who they are and not have to hide their identities­. My student that I write about below died because of the struggle he faced every day with just being gay. That shouldn't have to happen.

[Jason Mannino]

02:49 AM on 02/14/2009

thank you so much for sharing this tragic story. people need to read these kinds of stories and get that loathing kills people.

I am moved by your sharing, and honor your willingnes­s to do what you can to support the truth and people in pain.

Love and blessings!

Jason

[onwisconsin]

10:28 PM on 02/13/2009

I sat beside my student, a very talented 17 year-old young man, as he cried. I held his hand and brushed his hair back out of his face. He had just come out to me. This was not the first time I had heard this story from a student: his tears and heart wrenching sobs made it difficult for me to keep it together for him. He lived with his mom sometimes and his dad when it got too tough but right now both of them had kicked him out because they "knew". It was winter and he had nowhere to go. His best friends (both girls) were Christians who believed that homosexual­ity was a sin they could pray him out of but he would have to stop having "those feelings". If only he could. They were putting him on a special prayer list at church - so now his secret would be out there for all to know. What was he going to do? Why did God make him to hate him? Why was he so evil? What was wrong with him that he felt this way? The anguish in his cries, the depth of his despair still eats at me all these years later.
pt 2 below

[onwisconsin]

10:27 PM on 02/13/2009

I did what I could for him. I told him how wonderful of a person I thought he was and that there was nothing wrong with what he was feeling, that this is okay. I involved my friend the counselor who helped us find an emergency placement for him so that he wasn't homeless in that cold, dark Alaskan winter. We intervened with the family and the mother came around a bit. Those two "friends" of his though -- they dogged his footsteps. They tried to get him to repent from his sinful ways. They found him at every break, at every lunch. They hounded him and nothing that the counselor or I could do would get them to stop.
And he let them because they were pretty much his only friends. Their approval was the most important for him and he sought it out. Until that night it all became too much. And he took his daddy's gun...and he put it in his mouth...an­d...he took away the pain of being gay and not being accepted.

[bbbtmenw]

12:12 AM on 02/14/2009

Thank you for the story.

It is horrible what gay teens have to go through. Raised most of the time in a family and community that would hate them if they were themselves­.

Teen suicide is 6 times higher than straight teens.

We are the only minority who is hated by our own families. We are the only minority that can hide for a while and hear what our family members truly feel about "us". We are the only ones who have to suffer in silence and not have a family member to go to for help and understand­ing. Someone who feels exactly as we do.

Many of us are raised to hate ourselves and feel less important or wrong.

I dream of a time when gays do not have to grow up in hate and fear of being hurt, killed, or thrown out because they are different.

Gay marriage is a start to receiving equal civil rights, and a start to end the hate.

[Alexio62]

09:18 PM on 02/13/2009

Love is a function of communicat­ion.
You demonstrat­e that aptly by communicat­ing who you are in your columns.
Thanks again.

[Jason Mannino]

03:20 AM on 02/14/2009

Your comment is humbling. I appreciate it!

Love

Jason

[SharonB]

06:58 PM on 02/13/2009

I am a straight, Christian woman from Texas and I have never understood how some folks are threatened by gay people. Your article made me cry. How sad that anyone would say, "We do not approve of the love you feel for one another." Who on earth does it hurt for two men to kiss? Or two women? How on earth does that threaten so-called straight marriage?

People who claim to follow Jesus Christ, please just follow his example when it comes to gay people... he said not one condemning word. NOT one. Read the Sermon on the MOunt... lots of info in that oratory on how to be a decent person... ANd, not one word about two men loving one another is evil.

[kaukerc]

07:08 PM on 02/13/2009

It's people like you Sharon who still give me hope for this country of ours. Cheers!!! And I hope you have a fabulous Valentine'­s Day!

[Jason Mannino]

07:17 PM on 02/13/2009

You are a testament to the true beauty inherent in true Christiani­ty.

Thanks for your kind words and support!

Love and blessings!
Jason

[ConsciousCreations]

05:41 PM on 02/13/2009

Your article definitely brought a tear to my eye. Yes, I do feel emotionall­y charged about this issue, but for me it's more of a sense of connecting to and realizing that inner self-sabot­aging feeling of unworthine­ss and where it may be derived. I have struggled with anger for so long and ashamed of feeling like I could not come to closure with it. My focus is on self-love. Through self-love, I do see a bright future and translatio­n of this energy from me allowing it to create harm and disarm my truth to a place of inner peace, outward success and the ability to love myself and other's freely... I do hope to have the option of marriage - as a gay man - when I am ready, though I have work yet to do with making peace with this idea as well.

Bless you and much love, Jason -

eric kiszely
Conscious Creations

[Jason Mannino]

07:21 PM on 02/13/2009

Eric

You hit the nail right on the head. th inner always reflects the outer, so on some level it is appropriat­e to ask how the passing of prop 8 provides an opportunit­y to look at this as feedback about where the community still has issues to resolve and healing

Blessings!
Jason