Gerald Rigatoni
Rigatoni Associates Literary Agency
Dear Editor -
We're thrilled to offer you this proposal for the very first book by one of the hottest celebrities in Tinseltown, SHIVERS ME TIMBERS (And Everything Else!) by Kelli Shivers. In the bestselling tradition of Paris Hilton, Bret Michaels, Jodie Sweetin, Lisa Rinna, Jerry O'Connell, Tori Spelling, Dustin Diamond, Maureen McCormick and David Hasselhoff, I have no doubt that after reading this proposal you'll be willing to walk the plank to join Kelli on her climb up the New York Times bestseller list.
OVERVIEW:
Kelli Shivers is one of the most popular actress/entertainers of her generation. A multitalented woman, aspiring singer/songwriter/musician/pianist/mother/motivational speaker, she starred for three episodes as Debbie, the sexy, spunky neighbor, on the hit sitcom WILL YOU BED MY NEIGHBOR. Her father, William Shivers (deceased, sniff!), was president of Shivers Entertainment, which is responsible for producing some of the most beloved programming of the last half decade, including DESTINATION: DES MOINES, NURSE BILL, and the reality show spinoff of the popular film DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR (hosted by Kelsey Grammar). Kelli routinely graces the pages of Us Weekly, OK!, In Touch and Celebrity Skin. Her photographs, taken on the beaches of Malibu illegally by invasive paparazzi (but who can blame them considering how stunning Kelli looks in her tiny bikinis!), can be viewed on websites all across the Internet. For samples of these photos, and many more, please contact Kelli's personal photographer (also employed by Rigatoni Associates).
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Chapter 1) Growing up Kelli. A researcher will find out all sorts of stuff about Kelli's parents that she doesn't remember. Publisher must agree to pay for researcher. (If questioned about the veracity of any anecdotes that do not hold up to legal scrutiny, Kelli will respond by saying, "Well that's how I remember it.")
Chapter 2) Photo Insert #1
Chapter 3) Drugs are Bad: Kelli comes clean about her life-threatening addiction to caffeine and the time she almost smoked pot during a game of Truth or Dare.
Chapter 4) Photo Insert #2
Chapter 5) Finding Success On My Own Terms: How Kelli's strength and ambition took her from receptionist for her father's company to fifth lead on a show produced by her father's company.
Chapter 6) Photo Insert #2
Chapter 7) The Ex Files: Why Kelli's husband's ex-wife was totally not supportive of their affair.
Chapter 8) Photo Insert #3
Chapter 9) Who Says Marriage is Boring? How Derek and Kelli find time to bone despite their busy schedules.
Chapter 10) Photo Insert #4
Chapter 11) Breastfeeding with Breast Implants: Why being a good mom doesn't prevent you from becoming the most beautiful you.
Chapter 12) Photo Insert #5
Chapter 13) Too Big for the Small Screen: Why the television is too small for Kelli's dreams. (Note: Kelli is currently shopping a reality show, and if the show is picked up the subtitle for this chapter will be changed to: "The television and my dreams - a match made in heaven!"
Chapter 14) Photo Insert #6
Chapter 15) Index
Chapter 16) Photo Insert to accompany Index
Delivery of manuscript:
This depends on who the publisher hire to write the book. Note: the publisher cannot hire any writers who are or have been members of any racist or sexist organization. The writer will not be mentioned by name on the cover or in any press materials, and Kelli would actually prefer the writer allows him/herself to be dumped into the East River with a cement block upon completion of the manuscript in order to ensure that the truth about this collaboration is never known. Prior to any cement block drownings, the writer must be approved of by Kelli, and the publisher must go to every length to make sure that the writer is significantly less attractive than Kelli in order to limit her self-consciousness while being interviewed.
Promotion:
Kelli will appear on The Today Show, Good Morning America, Ellen, Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, Jerry Springer, Jackass, Glenn Beck, The Wendy Williams Show, Celebrities XPosed, I'd Try That For a Dollar, and Local Cable Channel 35 (scrambled signal only). Derek will appear on no more and no less than 37% of these shows with Kelli. Publisher must agree to pay for Derek's beard stubble trimmer.
Kelli will be guaranteed a vast media blitz for her book's publication, far more than that debut novel you just bought that everyone in the office loves but you won't be able to get doodly squat for in terms of coverage because there are no more book reviews and the author looks like the love child of Zach Galifiniakis and Frodo Baggins.
Publication schedule:
Upon signing of the book contract, Kelli and Derek will coordinate a pregnancy so that the child will be born within two weeks of the book's publication (note: If the baby is overdue, Kelli will induce labor so as to live up to her contract). Kelli will also make every effort not to schedule any plastic surgery within one (1) month of the book's publication, but cannot guarantee this in writing. She'll do her best.
Kelli and Derek will also release a sex tape (to be filmed, director pending) to be released no more than two (2) weeks before the publication of the paperback edition of this book. They will also announce their plans to "sue" the sex tape's distributor, only to back out of said lawsuit no more than one (1) week later. (Note: Kelli will claim no responsibility for the making of this sex tape, shrug her shoulders when asked about the tape's high production values, multiple angles and/or DVD commentary, and at any subsequent book signings she will sign no more than two (2) copies of the tape per customer). If the publisher prefers, the sex tape can be released to coincide with the publication of the hardcover edition, with Kelli and Derek later claiming that their first child was the result of said film (Note: the publisher must agree to release the paperback edition of the book approximately nine months after the hardcover. If the hardcover continues to sell, Kelli will agree to wear a pregnancy prosthesis for the duration of time between the two publications).
Kelli will also agree to disavow her mother while forbidding her from visiting her grandchildren in the weeks leading up to the book's publication. Their relationship will be rekindled in time for the paperback. (Publisher must pay hourly rate for Kelli's personal photographer to capture said disavowing)
Also, exclusive rights to the ebook edition will be granted to TMZ.com.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS will be the latest in a long, rich tradition of celebrity memoirs, and we know you'll be proud to publish it. (Note: Publisher must claim to be proud when asked in public)
Sincerely,
Gerald Rigatoni, Literary Agent
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