You Know You're Turning 30 Soon When...

07/19/2012 09:54 am ET | Updated Sep 18, 2012
  • Jay Clark Author of The Edumacation of Jay Baker and Finding Mr. Brightside.

• You try telling yourself you're already 30 in a sorry attempt to get used to the idea. (It's not effective.)
• You can no longer use the term "quarter-life crisis," because it's not (yet!) scientifically possible for you to live till 120. So, yeah, what you're experiencing now is just a regular ol' crisis.
• You say things like, "I'm over my 20's. I'm sick of being poor!" as if you've got some sort of turning-30 trust fund waiting for you. (Please let this happen!)
• You start doing your "if I have kids now, then I'll be 48 when they graduate..." math. Then you shudder at the idea of having kids in your current state of arrested development. #futureolddad
• You start reading self-help books, trying to figure out why you spent your 20s being such a psychopath. "Oooh, that's why I repeated the same mistake a million times."
• You start making lists for everything. To-do lists, bucket lists, grocery lists. It's boring, and you don't feel like doing any of it.
• It's becoming increasingly less socially acceptable to piggyback on your parents' summer vacations, but you do it anyway, because for some reason they still enjoy your company.
• Your mom wonders aloud if she'll ever have a grandchild. Not that she's ready to be called Grandma, but still. She's concerned that everyone is running out of time.
• When someone you graduated college with brings up your alma mater, you're like, "Oh, woooow. That was sooooo long ago. We're sooooo old."
• When someone you graduated high school with brings up your alma mater, you're like, "When's our 15-year? Are we even having a 15-year? Did anyone even go to our 10-year? Anyway, I'm not going. Reunions are depressing. Have you heard from what's-her-face lately?"
• MTV is no longer one of your go-to channels. The Smithsonian channel, on the other hand, can captivate you for hours...
• It's starting to seem a little silly to be drinking Mountain Dew at midnight, but you're only having a sip, so what's the problem, really?
• You have joint pain.
• You have heartburn but you think you're having a heart attack.
• You avoid the movie theater AT ALL COSTS because there are way too many smelly teenagers who should be at home reading your young adult novel, The Edumacation of Jay Baker. Instead, they plan on getting fro-yo afterward and possibly having sex at Becca's stepdad's house.