The Make-Another-Wish Foundation

Dear Bobby,

Hey there, little tiger. We here at the Make-A-Wish Foundation were very moved by your letter and applaud your courageous battle. You certainly deserve the moon and stars. And while we would LOVE to set up a meeting with the Jonas Brothers, your wish is a little, how shall we put it . . . a little too 2006.

Man, those boys are expensive. But don't focus on that, Bobby. Focus on the positives. Have you heard of TARP? If not, look it up. Trust me, you're getting off easy. Your little friends are going to be paying off that baby 'til they're eighty.

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Dear Kylie,

A trip to Hawaii? In this economy? Wow, how much morphine do they have you on? Let's talk Newark, New Jersey. Now that place is special. Makes Hawaii look like a floating bucket of crap. Throw on your best acid-washed, Greyhound's picking you up in an hour.

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Howdy Stevie,

Let's see, says here you'd like to ride a miniature horse. That does sound like fun! You know what else sounds like fun? Having my retirement fund restored! Yeah, that would be awesome. Unfortunately that doesn't look like it's going to ever happen.

Look, best we can do is a once-around on a Great Dane at the pound. Has to be this weekend though. He's set to be put down next Tuesday.

Happy trails, cowpoke!

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Hiya Ruth!

First, let me say that our hearts go out to you, little brave one. You deserve the wish of your dreams.

And that's why we think you're way off on this Alaskan cruise idea. We've been on cruises before. Let me tell you, waaaay overrated. The crowds, the cheesy "entertainment," the ridiculously strict $5000 line of credit limit at the casino. Who needs all that drama? And don't even get us started on Legionnaire's disease. Rampant.

We're sending you a few bags of ice and a ViewMaster. Just keep the ice about the head and shoulder region while clicking through the reel of Artic glaciers. So much better than the real thing, we promise.

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Hi Billy!

Do you like fairy tales, Billy? We've got a very special one for you. Once upon a time there was a powerful wizard named Madoff. And oh the magical things he could make come true. Singing flowers, unicorns, a guaranteed 10% annual return on low-risk security investments. All the little people of Foundationville loved the wise and kind Madoff. But one day, Madoff's magic suddenly changed. The dazzling wizard turned out not to be the kindly wish giver of enchanted annual reports. No, our beloved Madoff was actually a cancerous, soul-sucking, demon wish-crusher. Those glimmering PowerPoint demonstrations as fake as the smile on his fat little face. The moral of this tale? Well, Billy, the moral should be quite clear. If you're going to "make a wish," use it wisely. Use it to wish that son-of-a-bitch Madoff a long, hot acid shower with a razor blade loofah.

That's it, Billy. Wish it. Wish it, real, real hard.

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Dear Meg,

Your Make-A-Wish letter moved us to tears.

Denied.

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Dear Hailey,

We received your request for a Wii. While we agree that this might fulfill certain immediate gratification needs, we think it only proper to point out that times have changed. Maybe no one let you in on that little secret when you awoke from your coma, but a revolution is occurring. Yes we can, Hailey! No longer are we beholden to the money-grubbing capitalist whores and their disgusting appetites for endless amounts of consumer crap, their putrid materialism finally condemned for the sickness that it really is.

Rainbows, that's what good girls wish for today. Good ol', cost-free rainbows.

Comments

[SelenicMagick]

Great... another person who is apparently completely insensitive to the feelings of others.

Make-A-Wish does a LOT of good for children with terminal illnesses and making fun of the children involved, their wishes and all of the GOOD done by Make-A-Wish puts one amongst the lowest of the low.

[LMPE]

I actually don't know anything about the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

[PlaceboStudman]

Here;s the official website. http://www.wish.org/

[phrancine]

Sorry.... but a "funny" satire of dying children's wishes being denied is in such BAD taste...
what were you thinking ???

[mirabelleswalker]

I have to agree with the previous poster (Placebo Studman). I work in a pediatric oncology department and every single one of our patients gets their wish. Sometimes during treatment, sometimes after treatment, and sometimes just days before dying. I have never worked with an agency where people (many of them volunteers) are so absolutely committed to making the wish of a seriously ill child come true and are able to come up with creative ways to do it when the child's health is extremely compromised. Each wish has a special meaning to the patient and family, and the wish will never be forgotten. In the sad cases when a child dies, these wishes provide one of the most joyful times in the child's life after diagnosis. And not only does Make a Wish grant the wish, but they think of every possible detail that can be customized to fulfill the childs dream. I am constantly amazed to hear about the tiniest things that the MAW people thought of when putting the package together.

Sorry. Not funny.

[PlaceboStudman]

As funny as this tries to be, I find it leaving a bad taste in my mouth and a pain in my heart. As someone who IS terminally ill, and having considered applying to The Dream Foundation (the adult version of Make-A-Wish), I know how important these dreams and wishes are to our terminally ill population. While it may be funny to laugh off the reasons why some dreams/wishes may be denied, it is just not funny to see a child or even adult's heart broken or even disappointed, when we know how much the mental and emotional health of a person affects their physical health. These organizations do infinite amounts of good, often times more good to a person's health and well being than any medicine or treatment that the patient receives. To deny these sick and dying people their wishes and dreams is just simply wrong, and the underfunding of these organizations that leads them to deny these dreams is a critical clue into the priorities of this country. Supporting these organizations would do incalcuable amounts of good for the population, and some might even find that these good deeds will help lead the country out of the dreaded times we are all facing

[COPerez]

Sick, but damned funny.