Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jay Martel Headshot

Operation: Find a New War to Put Our Stuff Into

Posted: Updated:
Print

In terms of convenience, you can't beat our next war: It's going to be right on our own border.

Now that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are winding down -- and the U.S. public shows no interest in jumping into another one -- arms dealers are scrambling to unload their wares. According to a recent New York Times article:

The nation's largest military contractors, facing budget cuts and the withdrawals from two wars, are turning their sights to the Mexican border in the hopes of collecting some of the billions of dollars expected to be spent on tighter security if immigration legislation becomes law.

The sales pitch will go something like this:

Greeting Government Buyers! Here at Defense Applied Federated Technologies, we're excited to announce our brand-new line of products made exclusively for defending our border with Mexico:

-- El Dronito. It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's El Dronito, the stealthy eye in the sky for state of the art border patrolling. While this special unmanned aircraft can detect illegal immigrants from a range of 20 miles, that's just the beginning of what this ingenious plane can do. Should any illegals pose an imminent threat to our security (beyond, of course, taking our jobs), El Dronito carries an optional payload of two laser-guided AGM-114 Hellfire missiles.

-- Rattlesnake Suits. The brave Americans who patrol the border know that rattlesnakes can be a real hazard. When a border agent dons our Kevlar head-to-toe Rattlesnake Suit, they become completely impervious to rattlesnake bites -- as well as scorpion stings, cactus spines and two-ton explosions (from an exploding meth lab, for example).

-- "Welcome Americans" Leaflets. Perfect for dropping from any aircraft, these high-quality flyers will help soothe tensions in the volatile border region. And it never hurts to promote a little more goodwill towards our citizens, right?*

-- Up-Armored M1114 Humvees. We have literally thousands of these, all of them pre-desert-tested for the rigors of border patrol. Unlike your standard Jeep or Land Rover, these vehicles can stand up to a collision with a smuggler's van full of drugs, a flatbed truck full of illegals, or an exploding meth lab.

-- Bordo de Agua. A unique technology for the enhanced interrogation of illegal aliens, the Bordo de Agua will help border agents discover important information. Want to know where illegals are hiding? What they're smuggling? Who's helping them? All you need is the Bordo de Agua and a couple gallons from the Rio Grande.

-- Tomahawk Cruise Missiles. Because sometimes those meth labs just don't explode by themselves.

The inventory here at Defense Applied Federated Technologies is bigger than ever, so take advantage of special low prices before an actual war begins! And remember: If anyone is eager to help the United States defend its border with made-in-America weaponry, it's DAFT.

*Currently only available in Arabic, Pashto and Farsi.