Shock and Sadness: Hearing The Unspeakable
After sitting out most of the election season at my home in Mexico, I was happy to return to the States last week to witness the political hoo-ha for myself. I was thrilled to see about four Obama signs in upstate New York for every McCain placard. I was encouraged when my godson, a senior at West Point, told me that he thought his fellow cadets would split 50-50 Democrat and Republican.
I was feeling good about the political state of the country until I stopped for a visit with an old friend in Greenwich, Connecticut. At a dinner party last weekend, I heard something that deeply unsettled me.
Ten of us, most of whom I hadn't met before, were gathered in the lovely dining room -- china and crystal set before us. Everyone around me was quite well -- well-groomed, well-educated, well-placed, even though financial turmoil was shaking the hedge fund capital of America (on my way to my friend's house I had seen a sleek antique Porsche parked in front of an estate with a hand-lettered "For Sale by Owner" sign).
As I talked to the charming man to my left, I heard a bit of a kerfuffle to my right. The dinner table conversation had slid to politics and most of the voices were Republican, but I did hear an Obama supporter stand her ground. With my right ear, I listened to a woman in her early 50s across the table mock Obama as "The One" and "The Messiah" and scorn his policy for spreading the wealth. Then she dropped this bomb: "You know if I ever opened the newspaper and read headlines that something tragic had befallen Barack Obama, I tell you I wouldn't shed a tear."
My spoon froze on its way to my mouth. I heard our host, a Republican, shout at the woman, his sister. "How can you say that? That is beyond the pale. That is simply beyond the pale!"
There was much more screeching and protesting, but the woman repeated her explosive comment once again, justifying her horrid thought with: "I'm just being honest."
Two other guests, including the Obama supporter, left the table to check on a football game in the den and stayed away for quite a while. The nice man beside me was going on about a best-selling writer he once met. I looked at the beautiful pineapple dessert in front of me and knew I wouldn't finish it.
Welcome back to the part of America that elected George Bush, I thought.
I could barely look at the cold-hearted woman the rest of the night, even though she was gregarious and effusive with me. She hugged me before she left and I wondered why it wouldn't occur to her that she had offended me. Was she so oblivious, so arrogant in her opinions that she couldn't see how her comment had made her look to me -- despite her silky blonde hair and a face full of effort -- as ugly as the masks my sons like for Halloween, the ones with features that appear as if they're dripping like candle wax.
That night as I lay in bed, I tried to imagine what could cause someone to hate so freely and unabashedly. I have despised George Bush from Day One -- even pre-Day One -- but I know for certain I have never said anything so vile. I'm sure I couldn't even think it.
I can only surmise that the woman is terrified as her world order is about to be turned on its head. After so long with her breed is on top, she sees only one possible chance of clinging to her little corner of privilege. How terrible that there are people, even "refined, well-mannered" people, who are so self-interested, so self-serving that they have lost a basic sense of humanity. This woman is the more presentable version of the race-baiters at Palin rallies and the Timothy-McVeigh-like nutjobs who were arrested for plotting an Obama hit. But she's from the same gene pool.
I went to sleep saying a prayer to keep Obama safe from the crazy, alarming elements of our country. I'll say this little prayer every night up until the election -- and then every night, I hope, for eight more years.
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Your article hits the nail right on the head in regard to what is happening to society in general today. We are losing our humanity - we are losing that difference that used to set us apart from being mere animals. While not being an Obama voter, I couldn't imagine wishing him anything but total success should he win the election. He would then become MY president, whether I voted him in or not. How sad a group we have become, but even sadder is the future for the children we are attempting to raise.
Not the kind of comment you might expect from civilized people. How would I have responded? I probably would have said something like "Who knew the Klan had a chapter in Connecticut?", but that's me. Fortunately, her brother spoke up and pretty much said it all for the group. Is there even a possible polite response to such a vile statement? I suppose the best you could do is to look a little sick, and then freeze the person out of any further conversation.
Deplorable, yes. Unique to Republicans? Not by a long shot. I have heard worse from Democrats about both Bush and Palin. It's a behavior, not a political affiliation.
I find such behavior to not always be a lack of decorum, but a sign of mental illness.
Yes, I light a tea candle every morning when I wake up leaving it on the window sill above the kitchen sink. It is lit for Success and Safety for Barack Obama and his family and Joe Biden and his family.
Every day I will light this candle and ask the angels, guardians and God to keep them safe and bless them.
My little commitment from my corner of the world!
What a beautiful ritual. I think I will join you. Thanks!
Sickening. Isn't the assumption that everyone in the room would agree (or at least not bat an eye) horrifying? That woman was so typical of people who judge exclusively by surface...Since everyone at that upper class dinner party was polished, professional (and probably fairly attractive since they can afford the grooming and maintenance fees we poor shlubs have to sacrifice for the heating and grocery bills) -- this ugly-on-the-inside woman felt very free to spout off her bile. Hey, if you got an invitation to the party, you must be a "winner" too. And all the "winners" support McPalin, right?
Armchair psychology tells me that this woman was privileged from the get-go. She probably has been free to say and do what she wants all her life. She may be also very accustomed to talking down to people and viewing vast segments of society as beneath her.
Yeah. I've managed to draw the line at wishing anyone dead. And I am thankful for that. Going through life with that polluted of a view would be miserable. I worry about Obama too. Your experience underscores that concern.
I must sadly assure you that I have heard as bad, or worse, from casual acquaintances as well as from people I am otherwise proud to consider friends.
However, as a semi-conservative-libertarian in an overwhelmingly majority Democrat area (Atlanta), I usually hear such hatefulness expressed in the other political direction.
In your situation, I would draw some hope from the fact that the host took his sister to task for her comment. And, if I understand you correctly, several others at the table, conservatives all, spoke up in objection. I can't deny that her like exists, just as I have experienced her opposite number on the left, but let us be aware, and thankful, that they occupy the fringe, not the mainstream of their respective points of view.
I was just talking to an undecided voter in my office. Her concern with Obama was that he would be assassinated if elected. I assured her if the unthinkable did happen that Joe Biden could step in and provide a continuation of Obama's policies. It is a shame that prospective voters have to condition there decision based upon a fear of assassination.
I sincerely hope that Obama taxes the "wells' until they weep.
The haters who helped elected Bush twice could not care less what befalls this country as long as they can get the McCain Zombie to screw everyone while protecting their privileges. They forget that once W is gone, McCain will send this country in such deep hole, whetever they think they have will disappear like smoke. She is vile and narrow-minded. The funny thing is that she prays to God and pretends to love God, Country and humanity. It is sad.
My brother is a university-educated man who drinks the Fox News cool-aid daily. His views are sadly similar to those of your dinner party companion. It's proof to me of the obvious need to re-instate the fairness doctrine in the media. Anyone, regardless of intelligence or upbringing, is clearly susceptible to a constant barrage of vile propaganda.
Yes, the fairness doctrine abandoned by the Gipper. I was beginning to believe that I was the last American to remeber it.
That woman is vile. I would have jokingly said to her are you serious? her reply of course would be, of course I'm serious. I would say - ok. so you would wish the man dead - now, what were to happen if you were on a boat and had fallen into the water and couldn't get out - no one else was around but this man - you were fighting for your life - would you let him save you? If he saved your life, would you thank him for it? Would you still wish him dead?
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I thought about this later--what should I have done? How should I have responded? I couldn't leave since I was spending the night at my friend's house. I've written here before about how useless it is to engage with these people. I would love to hear from others on what the right response would have been. Was I wrong to not say anything? I might have felt more compelled to say something if our host had not come down on his sister. Maybe we should be thinking of how to respond if Obama wins and this kind of thing comes up in front of us. I would welcome suggestions.
You have to ignore people who espouse these views for your own sanity. You did the right thing in not responding. Consider the source and turn your back on them. They will get the message without your having to argue or say a word. Anything you can say will not have any impact on their backward way of thinking. Arguing with them will cause them to dig in their heels further. And in the meantime, they will say something else which will upset you more.
I had a neighbor once who always gave me his un-asked for opinion on how I should do things, like I should go to the gym, or paint my oxidized aluminum siding. I finally realized that rather than getting upset and responding to his intrusive and unwelcome advice, I should give him the cold shoulder. My response would be mmm hmmm and turn my back. My first urge was to get angry and tell him my thoughts, but then he could spread stories about me. If I said nothing, what can he then say about me? Engaging him only made me upset, so I stopped. He got the message, and was nicer to me in the end.
Respond to an unwelcome hug from someone like this with a wave buh bye. You were right, she was oblivous to the obvious.
Although I agree with you, and I do find the woman's statement vile, I can't understand why this affected you so much. I hear hateful and disturbing remarks daily, from t.v. to just people talking in public. Sometimes I call people on the crap they say, and sometimes you let it go because you know it wouldn't do any good. Either way, you should grow thicker skin.
I understand thick skin, but like Jeannie I find myself so upset over some of the garbage being spewed. I think it's because to me, at this day and time, the fact that are still people who think this way, much less say it out loud, is so incomprehensible to me that I am floored by it.
I never want a skin so thick that intolerance and hatred will not penetrate.
I agree and believe me I do understand where your coming from, it's just personally for me I've really had to force myself to ignore such things when possibe for my own well being. I used to get so angry that I"ve on occasion almost become what I despise, so I have to force myself to let it go. Good point though.
Oh, my, even I have not heard anything quite that vile. Bless you for staying so calm. How do you respond to someone like that? I am sure I will run into someone before long. Advise here is welcome.
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Hi. I've posted a comment above asking for others to give their suggestions for responses. It's a tough situation--and I'm afraid that if Obama wins more of us may be faced with this type of scenario.
I would have just left the party. But that's me.
What a powerful little tale. A tale as old as time. I'll go one further. I'll say not just a little prayer for Obama, but one for you as well, and all the other human beings out there who have at least a shred of decency left inside of them.
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