Jeff Klima

Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Lytton is an infamous book -- not because of its explicit sex scenes (there are none) or its fascinating title (worst title ever?), but because of its opening line: It was a dark and stormy night... You most likely know nothing else about the novel, but...

Is it possible to sue someone on the basis of copyright infringement and theft of intellectual property if they have been dead for 131 years? I just got done reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (I know, I know, I'm late to the party, but I come from that...

10. Hmm, where to begin... well, I suppose it would be best to begin with a solid tip. Yep. Something that lets everyone know this is a list that isn't to be fucked with... a real dynamo of a tip. The John Holmes of tips for beating writer's block you...

Like deadly sins, dwarves, or even deadly sins committed with dwarves, there are seven rules for writing good, compelling sex scenes. Seven. Sure some 1920s carnival huckster out there might try and convince you that there are 12 rules, or that you can get three rules for a nickel, but...

I used to think of movies like The Matrix and Inception as science fiction -- fake adrenalized entertainment in place of boring reality. I used to think that as a society, what we saw is what we got. Looking back now, I realize I used to be naïve.

Parentheses...

Bar none, the best tool in your author toolbox is a title. Not some suck-ass combination of words culled from your manuscript, supposedly embodying some perceived theme, but a real, hair-on-your-balls statement of bad-assery. Hemingway knew it; Faulkner knew it; and goddamnit, now you know it. Maybe you question that...

As many of you doubtlessly know, getting your foot in the door is the hardest part of becoming a drug-addled, world-weary, bourgeois lech with a ballpoint pen for a cock and the world's ear as your toilet (the rest comes surprisingly easy). Maybe you're a novice, still wet behind the...

Congratulations, you've decided to completely devote yourself to the endless, droning monotony that is professional writing. On the world's stage, you'll join such luminaries as J.M. "Freaky" Lifer, Jerry M. Fleafik, and Jamie Frelkfry. If you've never heard of those people, it's because they all use pen names in...

A good literary feud is the touchstone of any decadent civilization, more so than monkey knife fights or Two Girls, One Cup (which is my generation's Star Wars, btw). A good literary feud (here to forth referred to as a GoLF) not only entertains, but also informs. Such is the...

I am never the first to admit when I am wrong, but nor are Bill Clinton, Roger Clemens, or the Pope. I am, however, the first to admit when I have become too smug. You see, in traveling the path of intellectualism that runs parallel to the pursuit of...

There is a two-fold complaint nestled in the plumy thicket of today's screed, good people. And while they (the individual issues of the complaint) are as intertwined as two pigs' privates mid-coitus, they could not be more different on their face. Perhaps a metaphor about the mythological two-faced God "Janus"...

I think there comes a time in everybody's life where they have one really great idea, an idea that will make them not only filthy rich, but wildly attractive to double-jointed strippers with loose morals concerning bisexuality. And then comes the moment where you do a little research and realize...

I recently attended my first book club meeting, just to see what a book club meeting entails. When you're the guest of honor, it's quite nice, actually. People treat you as if you are intelligent, as if your opinions and thoughts matter (not like here where I am regarded...

Back when I was a wee lad, video games were not the all-consuming life force that they are today. Kids went outside, they read, and more importantly, they were rewarded for reading.

At my elementary school the local librarian organized a "page drive" where dedicated children...

I hate when I write such an accurate title that everything traveling in its wake (namely, this article) seems to suffer by comparison. Well, to be fair, this article would suck even if the title had something to do with the nocturnal emissions of earthworms, so I don't know who...

There are few things more important to an author than words. The constructed components of letters artfully arranged to function fabulously in fluidity and format. Words sound good, they look good, and 1,000 of them are worth one picture. That makes words the monetary equivalent of the rupee. And...

All this Stieg Larsson bashing around here these days has been cause celebre for me to grab my own torch and pitchfork. Now I, like some of you, did not particularly care for the first book in Mr. Larsson's "Millennium Trilogy." It wasn't the violence-against-women aspect, nor was it...

Ernest Hemingway once famously said that in order for one to be a man, a guy had to do four things: 1.) Plant a tree 2.) Fight a bull 3.) Have a son 4.) Write a book. Now that sounds like a damn good list, and it does sound...

I was on TV on Tuesday, no thanks to Lindsay Lohan. Drama like this could only happen in Los Angeles. You see, I wrote an amazing book called The Dead Janitors Club a little while back; I know it was amazing because one reviewer called me "a real life character...