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Jeff Klima
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Jeff Klima is the cofounder of Orange County Crime Scene Cleaners. In addition to collaborating with New York Times bestselling science-fiction author Steve Alten on The Minimum Wage, he has sold a screenplay about the Iraq war, titled A Line in the Sand, to Cornerstone Pictures, which is currently in pre-production rewrites.

He is a fan of everything. When he's not figuring out new ways to do everything, he prefers to do nothing. His favorite cereal is Crispix.

Entries by Jeff Klima

The Rise of the New Book

(31) Comments | Posted September 27, 2013 | 12:26 PM

People are freaking out over the book business lately. Kids don't like reading and all that -- it's allegedly dragging down the overall intelligence of the planet. I disagree on numerous accounts. Firstly, the intelligence of the planet is not being dragged down by the shift from books into video...

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The Bum Rap on Reviews

(4) Comments | Posted August 9, 2013 | 9:14 AM

Okay, so you've followed some of the advice out there (hopefully none of mine) and you've managed to get your book published. Or self-published, whatever. Now it's all about sitting back and letting people discover your genius, right? Wrong.

See there is this problem with the book publishing industry: the...

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12 Evil Ways to Make Your Book More Marketable

(3) Comments | Posted June 13, 2013 | 12:27 PM

Look, we've all seen the same lists preaching better methods of how to sell books -- this isn't exactly that kind of list. This list focuses more on desperation and depravity, the Double D's. Having Double D's will help you sell anything better; particularly if you get right up in...

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Social Media and the Author

(2) Comments | Posted March 12, 2013 | 2:24 PM

Look, I'm just going to come out and say this early: I'm a dickhead and this isn't a useful post for someone like you who is doubtlessly looking for real insight. Sure, I have real insight, as I am also the senior editor for an online social media magazine, but...

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Use Vice to Find Your Literary Voice

(0) Comments | Posted January 7, 2013 | 7:15 AM

So many writing tutorial books and articles focus on your actual writing, that most of the time, the other, dare I say, more important, aspects of your would-be author career get overlooked. And of the other attributes key to your writing great, lasting novels, quite possibly, the most crucial one...

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Another Surprising Secret to Great Novels

(8) Comments | Posted December 2, 2012 | 5:12 PM

You've spent years polishing your novel into a tightly woven web of suspense, or perhaps a coming-of-age meditation about a beautiful life surviving in ugly times, and it didn't sell. Am I right? Okay, maybe your tale is more profound than the tripe I've reduced it to, but the bottom...

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The Secret of the Third Sentence

(6) Comments | Posted October 17, 2012 | 9:10 AM

A lot of would-be writers are always asking me what the secret is to writing good, compelling articles. Well, I normally keep the answer as a sort of proprietary secret, but because you seem like a good egg, I'll tell you. Make sure that every third sentence you write is...

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A Game of Belts

(5) Comments | Posted July 13, 2012 | 9:35 AM

Like most of you who screw around reading stupid articles on the Internet instead of actually blazing a path towards greatness, I too yearn to reshape the world in my own image. Some people read magazines on the toilet, I bring in a legal pad and draw things that should...

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The Legend of the Ming Joint

(9) Comments | Posted June 8, 2012 | 5:27 PM

Many years before I became the world-weary bon vivant you love to love, I was a seeker of the dark and mystic arts. I was the sort of chap whom you might find hanging in a Taiwanese hotel, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation. I'm not saying those days are over (hell,...

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Strong Words for a Harsh World

(4) Comments | Posted March 16, 2012 | 3:27 PM

Paul Clifford by Edward Bulwer-Lytton is an infamous book -- not because of its explicit sex scenes (there are none) or its fascinating title (worst title ever?), but because of its opening line: It was a dark and stormy night... You most likely know nothing else about the novel, but...

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Will Write for Food

(0) Comments | Posted February 7, 2012 | 12:00 PM

Is it possible to sue someone on the basis of copyright infringement and theft of intellectual property if they have been dead for 131 years? I just got done reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (I know, I know, I'm late to the party, but I come from that...

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Ten... No, Five Strategies for Beating Writer's Block

(7) Comments | Posted October 6, 2011 | 1:49 PM

10. Hmm, where to begin... well, I suppose it would be best to begin with a solid tip. Yep. Something that lets everyone know this is a list that isn't to be fucked with... a real dynamo of a tip. The John Holmes of tips for beating writer's block you...

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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Love Scenes

(1) Comments | Posted August 24, 2011 | 10:06 AM

Like deadly sins, dwarves, or even deadly sins committed with dwarves, there are seven rules for writing good, compelling sex scenes. Seven. Sure some 1920s carnival huckster out there might try and convince you that there are 12 rules, or that you can get three rules for a nickel, but...

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(The Dangerous World of) Parentheses

(4) Comments | Posted July 20, 2011 | 1:12 PM

I used to think of movies like The Matrix and Inception as science fiction -- fake adrenalized entertainment in place of boring reality. I used to think that as a society, what we saw is what we got. Looking back now, I realize I used to be naïve.

Parentheses...

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A Fighting Lion: Exercises in Awesome Titles

(1) Comments | Posted June 8, 2011 | 4:50 AM

Bar none, the best tool in your author toolbox is a title. Not some suck-ass combination of words culled from your manuscript, supposedly embodying some perceived theme, but a real, hair-on-your-balls statement of bad-assery. Hemingway knew it; Faulkner knew it; and goddamnit, now you know it. Maybe you question that...

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The Cheater's Guide to Getting Published

(0) Comments | Posted April 27, 2011 | 6:19 AM

As many of you doubtlessly know, getting your foot in the door is the hardest part of becoming a drug-addled, world-weary, bourgeois lech with a ballpoint pen for a cock and the world's ear as your toilet (the rest comes surprisingly easy). Maybe you're a novice, still wet behind the...

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The Pen Name Is Mightier Than the Sword Name

(0) Comments | Posted January 28, 2011 | 1:12 PM

Congratulations, you've decided to completely devote yourself to the endless, droning monotony that is professional writing. On the world's stage, you'll join such luminaries as J.M. "Freaky" Lifer, Jerry M. Fleafik, and Jamie Frelkfry. If you've never heard of those people, it's because they all use pen names in...

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10 Rules for a Literary Feud

(7) Comments | Posted January 5, 2011 | 2:04 PM

A good literary feud is the touchstone of any decadent civilization, more so than monkey knife fights or Two Girls, One Cup (which is my generation's Star Wars, btw). A good literary feud (here to forth referred to as a GoLF) not only entertains, but also informs. Such is the...

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Fanfare for the Common Man

(1) Comments | Posted December 11, 2010 | 10:24 AM

I am never the first to admit when I am wrong, but nor are Bill Clinton, Roger Clemens, or the Pope. I am, however, the first to admit when I have become too smug. You see, in traveling the path of intellectualism that runs parallel to the pursuit of...

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On Names

(0) Comments | Posted November 26, 2010 | 3:20 PM

There is a two-fold complaint nestled in the plumy thicket of today's screed, good people. And while they (the individual issues of the complaint) are as intertwined as two pigs' privates mid-coitus, they could not be more different on their face. Perhaps a metaphor about the mythological two-faced God "Janus"...

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