Getting Ahead...By Giving It

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

If my title is too ambiguous, allow me to clarify in stating that new research shows fellatio is a good thing, for those among us still unaware.  I offer this bit of exciting news in hopes that I have discovered the key to reducing the irrational anger and hostility emanating from the extreme far right.  Perhaps they are not getting enough, and if so the solution becomes self-evident.

While homosexuality is quite common in the animal kingdom, found in more than 400 species, oral sex is considerably more unusual.  We know that humans partake, of course, as do bonobos, our closest primate cousins.  The practice has been reported in dolphins but those accounts remain unconfirmed.  After all, these mammals are moving fast in a fluid environment, making observations of the act awkward and difficult, if not uncomfortably intrusive.  The results might be skewed by performance anxiety on the part of the observed.

We can now add to the happy family of participants the short-nosed fruit bat.  Researchers have discovered, and I fear exactly how, that the female bat licks the nether regions of the male during copulation.  Obviously these animals have capabilities of contortion that exceed the human kind, much to the dismay of many.  Scientists speculate that fellatio may have a biological advantage, at least in fruit bats, by increasing copulation endurance.  How you ask?  Fellatio may help maintain the mate’s erection, and saliva would increase lubrication, which may together prolong intercourse.  A little extra help down there may also facilitate sperm transport.  These speculations come in light of the observation that fellating females hang on to their mates for an average of four minutes, compared to a paltry, and frankly embarrassing, two minutes for those who abstain.  In humans the practice may, of course, have the opposite effect for all but the tantric, so we will need to conjure up some other excuse for our own behavior.  The other explanation offered, thankfully, is that the practice keeps the male otherwise occupied, and therefore less interested in rival females.  That may have more immediate applicability to Homo sapiens.  Finally, as running commentary during the show, researchers also speculate that fellatio may offer protection against sexually transmitted diseases, based on the antimicrobial properties of saliva found in some animals.  

More details on bat porno can be found at  Please, I urge you to keep quiet about this potentially explosive video; not everyone will share or understand our taste in animal “behavior.”  Our moral superiors would be horrified to learn, for example, that many males, including short-nosed fruit bats, lick their genitals after copulation.  In some species this has been shown to reduce the incidence of STDs.  Again, this new insight into the animal world is of dubious application to humans (male or female) except for a lucky few, who probably never leave the house anyway.

Note that all previous examples cited only female to male interactions.  So I hereby formally propose a rigorous research program into cunnilingus.  I further propose we start such research on our own species since we know that one best.  Sometimes science simply requires self-sacrifice for the greater good.

Our new knowledge has some practical applications.  If only we had known about the benefits of fellatio during Clinton’s impeachment hearings, we might have saved taxpayers millions of dollars by cutting short the investigation and getting on with life as usual.  Clinton could simply have cited biological advantage and been done with the whole mess.  More immediately, I recommend that Republicans abandon Tea Parties in favor of threesomes and orgies as an adaptation to the new information.  The collective release of tension will make the republic a safer place.