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5 Reasons to Hate-Watch the Golden Globes

12/22/2013 10:43 am ET | Updated Feb 21, 2014

Awards shows are mostly pointless exercises in which millionaires give each other trophies to reward themselves for playing pretend. If I were to be awarded a Golden Globe, it would be for best performance by an actor pretending to care about what a girl is saying in a bar. Naturally, some film and television is better than others, and some shouldn't be nominated but are, and others aren't nominated when they should. It's all insane, but let's talk about it because it's fun!

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

12 YEARS A SLAVE
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS
GRAVITY
PHILOMENA
RUSH

I've seen all of these movies except Philomena, which I know nothing about, but it's only 94 minutes long, so I'll give it a watch at some point. I'm assuming 12 Years a Slave is going to win because of its subject matter. No one is willing to give that movie a bad review except a few people in which they are basically crapped on by everyone. To be honest, that movie was terrible. Yeah, I go in there knowing slavery was horrifying, and come out with the same reaction. It doesn't establish anything I didn't know about that era, just forced me to watch a guy be tortured and that's it. With Schindler's List, I learned many things I didn't know about the war, what one man did, how he changed, and he impact of future generations of people.

Captain Phillips rides of the epic performance of Tom Hanks, but the knowledge that the real Captain lied about a lot that happened dampens the movie. Rush? No. Really? That movie?

Gravity should win hands down. It brought back "special" in the term special effects. It was also the scariest movie I have ever seen. Most space movies have an antagonist that is a monster or alien, but this one makes space the antagonist. Gravity had the performances, the direction, and just about everything I want in a movie. It was the best movie going experience I've had in a decade.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

BREAKING BAD (AMC)
DOWNTON ABBEY (PBS)
THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
HOUSE OF CARDS (Netflix)
MASTERS OF SEX (Showtime)

Downton Abbey hasn't been good in a few seasons, and it shouldn't have been nominated. Breaking Bad just sealed the deal with the final season that tied up just about every loose end. House of Cards has been fantastic in just about every way. It felt like a really long movie watching that entire season over a weekend. Masters of Sex doesn't get as much love as it should, so it's nice to see it being nominated (although there are better shows... JUSTIFIED, MAD MEN). The Good Wife isn't that good. Everything on CBS isn't that good, except for maybe Person of Interest.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Fox)
GIRLS (HBO)
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
PARKS & RECREATION (NBC)

Only 2 of these shows deserve to be here, and those are Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks and Rec. The Big Bang Theory is one of the worst shows on television. Those aren't geeks, and the main character is a sociopath. Girls, I don't understand how that show gets rave reviews. Modern Family hasn't been funny for at least 2 seasons, and now it seems like a self-parody. Where are actual funny shows besides the 2 I mentioned? It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, Archer, and the list goes on of shows funnier than most of these.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Matt Damon, Behind The Candelabra
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing On The Edge
Idris Elba, Luther
Al Pacino, Phil Spector

I've seen the Phil Sector film, Behind the Candelabra (It took over a week to get through it), haven't seen Dancing on the Edge, and I saw Luther. I'm confident that Chiwetel Ejiofor did a great job in Dancing on the Edge for the sole reason that he is great in practically everything. He was great in Amistad, and he was a foreboding antagonist in the underrated Serenity. I've seen 12 Years a Slave, and although that movie wasn't good, he was good in a bad movie.

Let it be known that I watched Behind the Candelabra only for the reason that it looked so terrible that I wanted to see how it played out. It was beyond a fun hate watch. It was just a movie I hated and it took watching it in pieces to get through it. I can see why it wasn't purchased to put on the big screen. Who would pay to go see that movie? Matt Damon plays a teenager that falls in love with Liberace? They blamed it on it being "too gay," but the idea was just a stinker from the get go. Brokeback Mountain was a movie about 2 gay cowboys fighting their feelings in a culture that is not accepting. Result? A heartbreaking drama.

Idris Elba should take this one. But since I have common sense flowing through my head, he'll get cheated for Michael Douglas or Al Pacino doing whatever he was doing in that movie.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Robert Redford, All Is Lost

As, I said before, 12 Years of Slave wasn't a great movie, and the performances matched the subject matter. "Act like you're getting beat up!" End scene. Idris Elba was amazing in Mandela. Robert Redford was basically Cast Away on a boat, but he's Robert Redford in a solo performance, so he gets nominated for that. McConaughey lost a bunch of weight for a movie about something very important. The U.S. government waited way too long to approve medicine to help those with AIDS (Ed Note: Watch the movie How To Survive A Plague). For best actor, however, I have to give it to Tom Hanks for Captain Phillips. It seems cliché to pick him, but he's just so damn good. I went into the movie wanting to hate it because the actual historical person probably making half of it up, but Hanks kills it. We all know how it ends, but (SPOILER ALERT) one segment at the end where he is being checked by doctors and is in shock, it hits him that he is free. He gasps for air while crying and asking if his family know where he is. That is some of the best acting I have ever seen in any movie.