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A Sad Look at the 2013 Fall TV Premieres

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Well, summer is over, folks, so now it's time to hang out with our real best friend: Television. I'm always interested in what could be the next big show, and even interested in a show that is not only big, but actually good. But sadly, most of the shows that come out in Fall are mostly terrible. Remember, Revolution? Yeah, that came out last fall.

Almost Human (Fox)

Synopsis: In the future, human cops and androids partner up to protect and serve.

This one stars Karl Urban (Red, Dredd 3D), and Michael Ealy (Barbershop). The only reason I'm giving it any semblance of a chance is because of Karl Urban. Dredd 3D was 90 minutes of a perfect action movie, and completely undid that mess of Judge Dredd from Stallone. If anyone should have been Batman, it should've been Urban. But anyway, the premise would be interesting if had not already done a couple dozen times before.

Ironside (NBC)

Synopsis: Robert T. Ironside, a tough, sexy and acerbic police detective relegated to a wheelchair after a shooting who is hardly limited by his disability as he pushes and prods his hand-picked team to solve the most difficult cases.

I assume the pilot episode will have Ironside facing his ultimate nemesis: Stairs. In episode two, he will face a parking lot with no handicap spots. Only joking, but this looks like the worst show of all time. Why? Because, he actually opens a door to stop a criminal who is running away followed by some terrible one-liner. That's just in the pilot episode! That alone make this show look like a digital short from SNL where they make fun of procedural cop dramas.

The Blacklist (NBC)

Synopsis: The world's most wanted criminal turns himself in and offers to help catch other people who are wanted, or something.

James Spader returns to television in a show that will totally be cancelled so don't even bother. On a related note; remember when James Spader played a werewolf and fought Jack Nicholson who was also a werewolf in the movie Wolf? What the hell was that about? Oh, paychecks, right.

The Crazy Ones (CBS)

Synopsis: Robin Williams returns to television as a person working in advertising with his daughter Sarah Michelle Gellar.

From the preview trailer, it looks like Robin Williams is himself and everyone else tries to get a word in. Oh, Robin, you're so crazy! It's on CBS, so their probably isn't any hope besides the appeal of Robin Williams, and he doesn't even have a beard. I want my Robin with a beard.

Dads (Fox)

Synopsis: Two Dads move back in with their sons and hi-jinks ensue.

Brought to you by Seth McFarlane, who brought you the same show three or four times, and a movie that is like that show that has been brought to you three or four times. It will probably go on for a season or two because Seth owns that network, but it doesn't mean it will be good. These types of shows only thrive on CBS because it's the old people channel. Old people love canned laughter and bad writing! Also, they love NCIS. I don't get it, old people. Explain your madness!... No, stop, I don't care already.

Hostages (CBS)

Synopsis: A surgeon is recruited unwillingly to operate on the President as her family is held hostage by a rogue FBI agent.

This feels like Prison Break. It starts off good, but then they escape and it should be over then, but it goes on for years. This premise isn't the start of a TV series, it's the start of a mini-series, but, again, CBS, baby!

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD

Synopsis: Clark Gregg returns as Agent Caulson to head a bunch of new recruits in the top secret agency known as SHIELD.

Apparently getting stabbed to death doesn't kill you anymore because money. Money! Money!!!! This seems like a good idea, but, without the superheroes, it feels like a Transformers spin-off about only the humans. Wait, I don't even want to watch Transformers, anyway. But, I'll give it a chance because of Joss Whedon. He is pretty damn talented, though knowing him, this show will get cancelled after one awesome season. RIP Firefly.

The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)

Synopsis: Michael J. Fox returns to television as an NBC news anchor with Parkinson's that returns to work.

(*Pushes up glasses, rubs eyes*)

Mind Games (ABC)

Synopsis: Starring Christian Slater...

Yeah, cancelled.

Surviving Jack (Fox)

Synopsis: A boy becomes a man, and then becomes a father.

This is based off a book I Suck At Girls from Justin Halpern. He wrote Sh*t My Dad Says, and his stories alone on Podcasts gives me hope for this show. His humor is more suited to Fox, anyway. Plus, Christopher Meloni is starring in this. He can do comedy and drama with the best of them.

There are a bunch of other shows coming out this year, but they're so uninteresting that writing about them makes me want to cancel my Cable if not for it the killer app that is sports. Most of these shows just remind me of that South park where Cartman is dressed as a robot and pitches movie ideas all involving Adam Sandler.