THE BLOG
11/20/2012 02:59 pm ET Updated Jan 20, 2013

The 2012 American Music Awards Made America Look Bad

I quit smoking in February of this year, but after I watched the 2012 American Music Awards, I wanted to go buy a pack of cigarettes, rip the filters off, and smoke it like my Father is making me smoke the whole pack as punishment. There were literally no winners deserving of anything at all. Just look at the nominees for Artist of the year: Justin Bieber, Drake, Maroon 5, Katy Perry, Rihanna. This award goes to the musical act that is the best throughout the entire year. Justin Bieber is on this list and he won it. I should just end it there, but I won't, I will plow through.

The anger of watching this glitzy embarrassment of an awards show pushed me to the edge when Linkin Park beat The Black Keys for Favorite Alternative Rock. I've been playing guitar since 1999, and watching the people in Linkin Park use the guitar is basically a running joke in the guitar community. The guy hits a riff and then waits 10 seconds to hit the next one. Meanwhile, The Black Keys have amazing guitar and everything above. Their music takes you back to classic rock that makes you throw up Devil horns and jam out. Linkin Park just has a white guy screaming nonsensical lyrics while some guy who has no idea what he's doing scratches on a turntable. Let us look at the comparison of lyrics:

Linkin Park -- "Burn It Down:"

The cycle repeated/
As explosions broke in the sky/
All that I needed/
Was the one thing I couldn't find/
And you were there at the turn/
Waiting to let me know/

The Black Keys -- "Lonely Boy:"

Well I'm so above you/
And it's plain to see/
But I came to love you anyway/
So you pulled my heart out/
And I don't mind bleeding/
Any old time you keep me waiting/
Waiting, waiting/

The beginning of "Burn It Down" makes no sense. Nothing links together and it's just words. It's like they were flipping through a dictionary and put crappy drop D guitar riffs to it. The Black Keys put great memorable lyrics to rock out guitar and make me happy. I will steal an internet meme from Futurama and say, "Linkin Park is bad, and they should feel bad."

Let's look at who won Best New Artist: Carly Rae Jepsen. I looked at the blinking cursor for around five minutes trying to think of something funny to write. There's nothing to say here that's funny. Another nominee was fun. And they are way better than this girl. She is famous for singing "Call Me, Maybe." My nine-year-old cousins know the lyrics and love this song. That is a basis for bad music. If kids love a song, it's awful. They're children; they have horrible taste in everything. When I was little, I didn't want to take naps, and naps are amazing. Your argument is invalid.

Nearly all of the live performances were about as enjoyable as an STD test for men. Carrie Underwood was good even though I don't listen to country music. Stevie Wonder was the only thing I appreciated on an actual musical act. I also liked Psy with special guest MC Hammer. Is "Gangnam Style" a good song? No, it's awful, but it's catchy, and Psy has a sense of humor. The video is abstract and out of nowhere. When Hammer came out and the song was mixed with "2 Legit 2 Quit," I was gasping for air because I was laughing to hard.

Nicki Minaj won a few awards because God doesn't exist. It was proven when most of the worst artists in the history of entertainment thanked God for his help in making all of this possible. I picture a Family Guy type joke when God was thanked for making this all possible. It cuts away to God watching TV and saying something like, "Stop it! I had nothing to do with it! I was on vacation when this happened!"

This award show and most other award shows are nearly identical. The same terrible artists are nominated and the worst of them usually win. The worst is when the people announcing the winners reminisce about past winners like Michael Jackson's Thriller, and then call out Justin Bieber. It's like someone talking about Apocalypse Now and Inception, and then the winner is Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Across The Border. I was trying to be funny there, and just looked it up and saw that there is a second sequel called Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta! My hypothetical terrible ideas are manifesting, and it's scaring me. I joked before that they'll make a Battleship movie based on that boardgame before. I pictured them yelling "I-8!" It was funny to think about it, and then Hollywood did it with aliens.

Let's face it, ladies and gentleman. We are living in a world where mediocrity is praised, and a woman beater can dance and be cheered upon by imbeciles, and a hack who can't sing wins all the awards. It's a slippery slope of lowered standards in music becoming popular. Now, in the words of Charlie Kelly from the television show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, "In the meantime, I'm going to go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while."

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