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Jeffrey Shaffer
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Jeffrey Shaffer's essays and fiction have appeared in a wide range of publications including The Christian Science Monitor, The New Yorker, Bark, The Wall Street Journal, and Year's Best Fantasy & Horror. A new collection of his work entitled 'Who Am I Today?' (Subtopian Press) is now available through most local independent booksellers. For more links you can visit his personal blog at:

Entries by Jeffrey Shaffer

Great Grandpa's Brain Versus Back-to-School Night

(3) Comments | Posted September 11, 2014 | 2:25 PM

GG's Brain: Why did I let them talk me into this? I wanted to watch my Lawrence Welk videos tonight! Are we even in the right place? Why do they have all these plants sitting around everywhere? Is this a classroom or a fern bar?

Teacher:I'm honored...

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I Predicted Our Iraq Predicament

(0) Comments | Posted August 1, 2014 | 5:41 PM

I'm not surprised that Iraq is in danger of breaking apart. I considered this scenario almost 10 years ago in a column published by the Christian Science Monitor.

My question then and now is the same: How will the US react if the Kurds decide their best...

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I, Mad Men Hunter

(2) Comments | Posted May 19, 2014 | 6:05 PM

Don Draper may have won the opening skirmish but this war is just beginning.

When I kicked open the office door he was reclining in his chair, feet on the desk, staring out the window. Without glancing at me he said, "It's polite to knock first."

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Good News for My Neighbors

(0) Comments | Posted April 15, 2014 | 9:19 PM

After long and thoughtful consideration, I've made a significant lifestyle decision. I am NOT going to become the neighborhood curmudgeon.

Everyone in the boomer generation will know exactly the kind of person I'm talking about. The annoying individual was usually a feisty old geezer who looked...

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My Face Shouldn't Be Up for Grabs

(0) Comments | Posted April 12, 2014 | 2:20 PM

Here's an idea for all high-tech inventors in Silicon Valley and there's a pile of money waiting for the person who can make it a reality: Get me a personal cloaking device.

No, I don't want to become invisible. That would be weird and extreme. What I'm talking about is...

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Feds Want Warning Labels for Bridesmaid Dresses

(0) Comments | Posted April 2, 2014 | 4:50 PM

A long national nightmare may soon be ending for American women. The Bureau of Consumer Protection recently announced updated rules that would require all bridesmaid dresses to include a special warning label stating "One Time Use Only -- Not To Be Worn As Normal Clothing!"

"This is...

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The Liquid We Can't Live Without

(0) Comments | Posted March 10, 2014 | 3:15 PM

Water is my favorite natural resource. I find it endlessly fascinating from a scientific and historical perspective. Having lived through the California drought of 1976-77, I can say without hesitation the best way to appreciate easy access to safe, clean water is to have the supply become so scarce that...

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IOC Awards All Future Olympics to Disneyland

(0) Comments | Posted February 24, 2014 | 10:31 AM

The Olympic flame in Sochi had barely flickered out when the IOC made a stunning, surprise announcement that all future games after 2024, winter and summer, will be held at the Disneyland Resort in Anaheim.

"The Games are supposed to bring people of the world together in peace and happiness,"...

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Putin Says Obama Caused Russian Hockey Failure

(0) Comments | Posted February 19, 2014 | 4:27 PM

Russian President Vladimir Putin is now blaming the dismal performance of Russia's ice hockey team on Barack Obama.

"This is Obama's legacy, his curse. It is the obvious conclusion," Putin was overheard saying to onlookers and reporters while watching his team getting eliminated from further competition in a 3-1...

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Warning Signs: Canine Control Edition

(0) Comments | Posted February 4, 2014 | 3:42 PM

I just read an article listing five reasons you should not own a dog and it included lots of information about personality traits and motivation and other psychological details. There was simply too much information. I think these kinds of articles need to be concise and direct. So here is...

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Requiem for a Frustrated Writer

(0) Comments | Posted November 4, 2013 | 10:35 AM

Hey Jackass! Yeah, YOU -- the lame, inconsiderate 'contact person' who keeps ignoring my e-mail queries (note to self -- do NOT send this; strictly a venting exercise).

Here's my simple question, Butt-Face: What does it take to get a response from you? Say again -- you don't recognize my...

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News of Me

(2) Comments | Posted September 22, 2013 | 11:33 AM

Omigod! I overslept! 6:03! Major badness! OK, I'm up, moving, fingers typing, getting the word out, notify the followers --"Eyes open, back in the game, ready for coffee!" Tweeted! Awesome. Do I want Sumatra or Tanzanian Peaberry? Hyper-local means you tell me! Vote now on my Facebook timeline while the...

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Keeping Myself Contained

(0) Comments | Posted September 10, 2013 | 6:23 PM

During the past few years I've learned not to be alarmed by the sight of my own blood, which is good. What's not so good is how the learning process involves seeing the precious bodily fluid draining out of me more often than I ever expected.


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Confessions of an Aging Swing Kid

(1) Comments | Posted August 21, 2013 | 4:25 PM

I don't have a large backyard, but if I ever get one, I know exactly what outdoor feature will be on top of my 'want' list. It won't be a swimming pool, tennis court or fancy basketball hoop. No, the item that can bring me maximum pleasure day after day...

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Extremely Modern Family

(0) Comments | Posted August 14, 2013 | 11:17 AM

DAD: Alder, are you listening to me? I asked you not to touch things while we're in the store. You need to respect my authority, please.

MOM: Give him the instructions clearly. You need to be absolutely clear. Alder, don't look away!

DAD: When...

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Onward Afghan Soldiers -- Or Maybe Not

(0) Comments | Posted June 26, 2013 | 6:14 PM

The news from Afghanistan continues to range from bad to awful. The Taliban are still carrying out deadly attacks, American relations with Hamid Karzi are increasingly testy and, in case you missed the recent announcement, the US and its NATO allies have officially turned over security responsibility for the country...

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Obama Rumors You Haven't Heard Yet

(0) Comments | Posted June 20, 2013 | 6:18 PM

I just got hold of a secret memo being circulated by a shadowy wingnut group that runs a website called and it contains a new list of complaints about President Obama that is being circulated among bloggers and other social media rumor mills. The group is worried that too...

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An Auto Accessory for Happier Motoring

(0) Comments | Posted June 11, 2013 | 3:23 PM

Here's my suggestion for one small thing that would make daily life better: Every car in America should be equipped with a second horn. Seriously. With all the advancements in automotive technology during the past 50 years how hard can it be to give us two honking options?

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All Breaking News, All the Time

(3) Comments | Posted April 21, 2013 | 5:18 PM

Welcome back to News First Network, I'm Judd Harvey and this is live coverage of the incredible story that has stunned the country since it began earlier this week, and continues to evolve seemingly by the hour. Right now our Sylvia Goodman is standing by at Eastview High School, where...

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The Destination I Dream About

(0) Comments | Posted April 1, 2013 | 5:24 PM

I want an atavachron. Star Trek fans know what I mean. It's a time-travel device that people on a doomed planet used to escape into the past. They picked out a favorite period in history, set the machine, stepped across the threshold and whoosh! Gone.

What I want, though, is...

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