What Your Doctor and Plumber Won't Tell You

04/07/2011 11:32 am ET | Updated Jun 07, 2011

Five Things Your Doctor Won't Tell You

1. I should really stay home when my hangover is this bad.
2. My notes say "discuss tremor" but I feel like I meant to write "tumor."
3. Your son wants me to recommend a sex change specialist.
4. Those little pills I've been giving you for ten years are just Pez.
5. Every time you walk in the office I take a deep breath and think, "This is why I'm getting the big bucks."

Four Things Your Plumber Doesn't Want You To Know

1. I could smell this place six blocks away.
2. A hepatitis outbreak is imminent, and that's the good news.
3. The mold growing in your bathtub appears to be a sentient being.
4. Some day we'll have laws to prosecute people like you for toilet abuse.

Several Secrets Your Personal Trainer Will Never Say Out Loud

1. God made some people fat and ugly--what can I do about it?
2. If burning calories accelerates global warming, you're one major greenhouse.
3. Working with you has renewed my interest in bulimia.
4. Our janitor has been secretly videotaping people in the shower for years.
5. Don't worry. The camera is positioned so it only records your lower abdomen.

Some Facts Your Financial Advisor Prays You Never Discover

1. Monopoly money is worth more than your portfolio right now.
2. Can't deny it--compound interest leaves me totally baffled.
3. Yes I'm rich, but mostly it's from directing porn films.
4. The best financial decision I ever made was never allowing anyone to take my fingerprints.

Anecdotes Your Landscaper Has Vowed Not To Reveal

1. The crew I hired to install the lawn sprinklers accidentally nicked your sewer line, but the duct tape we patched it with should hold for a while.
2. That marijuana growing wild in the vacant lot next door is the best I've had since Woodstock.
3. Your nasty little dog didn't really run away after he bit me last year. He's under that beautiful rhododendron I planted behind the garage.

Information Your Bartender Will Take To The Grave

1. I think you have cirrhosis of the head and neck.
2. The cops could definitely use you to help train the cadaver-sniffing dogs.
3. You still haven't figured out that I'm the one stealing your VISA numbers.
4. Your daughter and her friends are my best customers on 'Biker Babe Tuesdays.'