10/30/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

If You're Too Happy, I Can Help

Right now, millions of Americans are trapped in a vicious cycle of success and contentment. Are you one of them? Many experts believe that a lack of ongoing physical or mental challenges in everyday life can have serious negative long-term consequences.

That's why I started StressBuilders. It's a proven methodology guaranteed to explode the stupor of self-satisfaction that keeps you insulated from friends, relatives, and neighbors who are struggling and suffering across a wide spectrum of trials and tribulations.

Let's be honest. Total happiness is a cruel hoax. Pain, anxiety, and frustration are the social glue of every civilization. How many times have you hung up the phone after listening to an impassioned litany of complaints from Uncle Bunion or Aunt Pennyless and thought "Gosh, I feel kind of guilty that everything in my life is going so well."

Well then, say goodbye to your Neverland of cloudless skies and endless rainbows.

Time for you to hit Reality Street, face first.

I can help you start smoking.

I'll show you how to pack on extra pounds.

I know how to make your daily schedule more chaotic.

In no time at all you'll be able to make instant connections and engage in casual small talk with anyone who catches your hollow-eyed gaze at a coffee shop, supermarket checkout line, or airport VIP lounge.

I can drive you into debt.

I can increase your sexual dysfunction.

I can turn your lawn into a thicket of weeds and crabgrass.

Are you sleeping too soundly? My clinically tested line of non-support mattresses are guaranteed to bring you unending hours of nocturnal Hell.

Whatever problem you've never experienced, StressBuilders is ready to bring it on. Stop choking on false bromides. Heavy lifting can't happen when you're walking on sunshine. A culture that complains together, sustains together.

I can make your scalp dry and itchy.

I can start your joints aching.

I can cause your hairline to recede like the outgoing tide.

I will transform the blunt, rounded corners of your psyche into razor sharpness. Following your bliss is a fool's errand. Bliss equals inertia. Stress ignites motivation. No pain, no gain.

I can imbed your home with odd odors and musty dampness.

I can make the bathtub and shower stalls green with mildew.

Never forget that boring people have immaculate houses. Totally boring people have immaculate lives. Remember the Eloy, that race of surface-dwelling airheads in The Time Machine? They were happy as little pigs in a mudbath, right up until the moment they got taken underground by the Morlocks and placed on the nightly dinner menu.

Regardless of age, income, religion, or political affiliation, StressBuilders can tailor a program to fit your individual lifestyle. From casual concerns to a cavalcade of crisis, we have it all.

Goethe said you must be anvil or hammer. Huey Lewis said there ain't no livin' in a perfect world. StressBuilders wants you in our world. We know you're going to like it here.